Thankfulness 2020

 A different thankful post tonight.....

NYE 2020. Last year we were preparing to head out to eat with friends and then ring in the new year playing games and enjoying the company of those friends. Tonight, we’ve got on our finest jammies and will bring in 2021 from the comfort of our recliners, just the two of us, because, well, 2020. 

I challenged myself on January 1 to complete one full year of Daily Calm Mindfulness practices in my Calm App. I was blessed many years ago, to be given a lifetime membership to Calm because I was a teacher and part of the Calm Classroom Initiative. I started my day, every day of 2020, with the mindfulness practice of The Daily Calm. How little I knew at the time, that this simple little practice of daily mindfulness would truly change my life. 

I’ve learned to stop stressing over things I have zero control over. I learned that if I can’t change things, I can change how I react to them. I learned that even the best of intentions can have disastrous outcomes. I’ve learned that I control what happens in MY life. I’ve learned that simply taking time for me, usually 10-12 minutes a day, and practicing mindfulness can change your whole life. I’ve learned that I’m completely happy in my quiet life, keeping my circle small, and not worrying so much about others’ lives. 

I’ve learned that social media is complete shit and that people will make themselves look far better here than they are in reality and that everyone is an expert on nothing. I’ve learned that once a habit is formed, it’s hard to break. I’ve learned that my thankful posts are posted, and will continue, as much for others as for myself. 

And despite the year forever known as the shitshow of 2020, it wasn’t horrible for me. I learned to cook. I learned I have all I need within the walls of my home. I learned I can be happy in my solitude. I learned self reliance. My relationship with my husband grew even tighter, if that’s even possible. My relationship with my true sister friends became more solid, as we helped each other through this year. My fortitude became stronger as I did my part to keep COVID away from my household. 

2020 taught me a lot. I do not look at the last 365 days as a bad year, personally. Hell, anything is better than 2019 was for me. Sure we suffered loss, again, but we also strengthened family bonds, and for that I will forever be thankful to 2020. 

When you are thankful for all you have, you have all you really need. 

I wish you a 2021 filled with your own awakenings, transformations, enlightenment, and love.....always love. ❤️

And tonight, THAT is what I am thankful for.

Life has a way of showing us that we are not in control

Life has a way of showing us that we are NOT in control. Not even close. Just when we think we are climbing our way out of dark places, something happens that reminds us to not get too comfortable with life as we think it should go. You know, John Lennon said it best in the song Beautiful Boy, "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans." a phrase he borrowed from Allen Saunders in a Reader's Digest article penned in January 1957. Life has a way of showing us that we are NOT in control. Yesterday, I randomly wrote the word GRIEF on a blank piece of notebook paper. Just one word. That word. Grief.

It seems as though this grief I've been experiencing is not going anywhere anytime soon. I've been doing a lot of reading on the topic of grief. One thing I've come to understand is that where there was the loss of someone significant, as long as that person remains significant in our lives, though no longer here, that grief remains. I attribute that to the reason I've never really 'gotten over' the loss of my grandmother. Losing Billy kicked my grief into hyperdrive. I'm almost absolutely certain that I will live with my grief for the rest of my life. 

Life has a way of showing us that we are NOT in control. Not even close. Just when we think we are climbing our way out of dark places, something happens that reminds us to not get too comfortable with life as we think it should go. Yesterday, I received word that a 22 year old young lady, one I've known for the better part of 10 plus years - as a friend of my youngest daughter AND as a player on the basketball team I was the assistant coach for - was in the midst of a major medical situation, one that has her fighting for her life. Receiving that news sent my emotions into a tailspin. The grief I've been feeling found it's way right back to the forefront of my head and heart. Grief, I've found, is a lot like waves in an ocean. Sometimes that grief comes in little skipper waves, the ones that just ripple up on the shore, unassumingly. Sometimes that grief comes in crashing waves, the ones that hit you hard, knocking you down and tossing you around the surf like a ragdoll. I'm learning how to manage each wave that comes my way.

Today, I'm feeling a different grief. It's a grief for the family of my dear sweet Mady. My heart truly aches for them right now, and in a weird way, it is taking all the focus off of my own, personal heartache and grief. For the past 24+ hours, I've not focused on the fact that yesterday was Tuesday and my grief surfaces hard on Tuesdays. Yesterday, my grief wasn't my own. It was a grief focused on Mady and the entire Bush family. I know my own grief is there. I remember my loss(es) all too well. It will NEVER go away, but in this instance, I have been able to channel it a bit.

I've rallied my Prayer Warriors, my friends on Facebook who always answer my rally cry for prayers without hesitation. There is an army of people praying hard for Mady Bush right now. If ever there was a need for a miracle, now is it.

I believe in miracles....and I am praying hard for one right now. If you feel so inclined, please pray for one, too.

Springsteen to the rescue - again!

My goodness did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. In fact, I didn't even wake up on MY side of MY bed. I woke up in the guest bedroom after being booted from my bed by the dogs. Gus normally sleeps in bed with us, but Penny, well, she's just too large to sleep on the bed (and I know many people will say they don't belong on our bed to begin with, but HUSH....my house, my rules). When my day actually started, I was out of sorts and in a pissy mood, for lack of a better term, just ask my husband.

I left late for work and as I entered the highway, my phone rang. It was my supervisor. Normally, I'm well on my way by the time she had called, but today, NOPE. Wasn't a huge deal, but enough to throw off my already crapshoot of a morning. Pulled into the parking lot at the time I'm supposed to be in my classroom and I truly hate feeling rushed. My own fault today, I get that.

An email regarding the phone system at work set me off on a vocal tirade, to which a coworker commented about my mood first thing. Wake up call. As I sat here looking at my computer screen that had all my favorite Sirius channels listed, I gazed through the listing and immediately saw that Thunder Road was playing on E Street Radio. That's it. I'm listening to Channel 20 because if ANYONE can relate to my moods, it's Springsteen. And the best part is, he doesn't even know it!!!!

Throughout my life....well, since I was in the 4th grade and a mere girl of 10 years old....Bruce Springsteen has spoken to me. Ok, HE hasn't actually spoken to me, but his lyrics have. It was hearing Thunder Road for the first time that captivated me with this man who would later become the one entity that could always get me through the rough times in my life. Thunder Road is the one song that has always given me hope in trying times, sunshine on my grey sky days, a smile when the corners of my mouth want to dip into a frown.

I wasn't sure how my "I'm listening to nothing but Springsteen today" would go over with my coworkers, but truth be told, I didn't really care. Much like the 'my house my rules' attitude I have, it's kind of like a 'my Sirius my computer my music choice' attitude as well! No apologies here. It is a good thing my aide enjoys the music of Springsteen, too!

So, here I sit, listening to an episode of Be The Boss on E Street Radio, smiling through someone's song choices and listening to how Springsteen has affected their lives as well. It's a weird thing, how the music of one man can do that; can bring people together and make us realize that we are not alone in our struggles, happiness, and love for all things Springsteen. I reflect on the many concerts I've been to, the time I was the Boss on E Street Radio, the front row experience, the back to back night experience, and the many times his music has gotten me through a rough time.

Today, it is 4 months since losing Billy. I know that's weighing heavily on my heart and mind. Today, I will allow Mr Springsteen to help me through all my feelings and emotions, as only his music can do. Maybe, I'll get a message in one of the songs, maybe I'll hear something I missed the million other times I've heard a song, and maybe I'll somehow feel the weight of this lift from my shoulders.

Maybe.

For now, I'll listen with open ears and an open heart. And one day, when I am fortunate enough to meet Mr Springsteen, I will thank him for always coming to my rescue. A girl can dream......

Goodbye 2019

For those who know me in RL (real life), you know that this year has been really shitty for me. It feels as though, in a 12 month year, I've had 2 months of actual enjoyment and 10 months of pure shit.

My 2019 shit-storm began in the beginning of January when my L5-S1 disc ruptured (unbeknownst to me - I seriously thought it was sciatica) and rendered me pretty much incapacitated for the next 4 months. The pain was extremely unbearable (let it be known that I have an extremely high tolerance for pain) and rendered me absolutely incapable of enjoying much in life. After a few months of chiropractic care, my wonderful chiropractor refused to treat me anymore. He knew there was more to my story than he could help with and made sure I saw an orthopedic spine doctor. Needless to say, that ended up with surgery scheduled.

April 2, my world changed completely, as I underwent spinal surgery to clean out my spinal column. Apparently, when my disc ruptured, the entire contents of the L5-S1 disc settled in the base of my spinal canal and was cutting off the S1, S2, and S3 nerve routes to my left leg. I had no feeling in my left leg for 4 months. 4 long months. Do the math. January - April = 4 months. Both the PA and the surgeon told me they haven’t seen THAT much disc matter expelled from a disc in a LOOOOOONG time. When I do things, I do them big. 

So, the story continues..... I had surgery on April 2, 2019. What should have been a routine, easy surgery, ended up taking a lot longer to heal, keeping me from work for the remainder of the school year. We had a trip planned, a cruise to Alaska, for the middle of June. I feared traveling by plane from Newark to Seattle, then a cruise from Seattle to Alaska and back, and then a flight back from Seattle to Newark. Travel was not extremely easy, but we did have a good time on our trip. We arrived back home at the end of June and at that point in time, I chose to reclaim my life.

From October 2018 through the end of June, I had gained a lot of weight. I was ashamed of how I looked, how I felt. I decided to do something about it. I began following the Code Red Lifestyle at the end of June and my weight came off and I started feeling real good about myself, for the first time in a long time. 

I returned to school at the start of the 2019-2020 school year. Life was seemingly getting back to somewhat of a normal. And then......

September struck.

I remember September 10, 2019 like it was yesterday. Fire alarm at 2:00pm. Text messages telling me PA State Troopers were at my house. I didn't understand. I couldn't comprehend. Never in a million years did I expect them to be there because something was wrong with one of our children. I seriously thought the worst of my husband, something I am utterly ashamed to have believed.

We lost Billy on September 10. We lost one of his best friends, Tim, on September 24, and then, as we were leaving the Newark Airport, after a 10 day stay in California, on September 29, I got word that my grandma had less than 18-ish, hours to live. I lost her on September 30. 

The last three months of 2019 have SUCKED. We attended 5 services for Billy. One for Tim. One for my Grandma. I'm emotionally spent. 2019 sucked. I had two good months. July. August. Since September, life has truly been hard.

I am looking forward to 2020 because I really believe it HAS to be better than 2019 was. The love of my life has an album that will be officially released in January, we have some vacation plans in the works (Florida and Florida, some more)!!! We will celebrate a college graduation in May, two big birthdays (one in September and one in November) with a weeklong trip to Disney in November, and praying for travel blessings to attend a wedding in California in June. There is a lot of good on the horizon and I have to keep focused on that. I have to believe that 2020 will be better. 

I'm anxiously awaiting midnight, when I can say GOODBYE 2019 and welcome in a new year. One that (hopefully) brings about new beginnings and some happiness, because Lord knows, we sure could use it.

Happy New Year. Celebrate responsibly. Make 2020 a year worth remembering.

Tick tock, tick tock time is drawing near!

Ok, so Christmas is my favorite time of (day of) the year! My earliest Christmas memory happened in 1977. My little brother, Travis, was born on the 23rd of December that year. YAY! Merry Christmas! I got a brother, however I wanted a sister! I was devastated when the call came to my grandma's house telling me that I had a(nother) little brother. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I hung up on my dad and immediately ran upstairs and bawled my eyes out! Yes, that was December 23.

My mom had to stay in the hospital for a few days, as she had my brother via a C-Section, so if you do the math, guess where she spent Christmas that year? Yup! The hospital. I don't remember much about THAT but what I do remember......waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents with my other little brother, Chad, and my Dad. I unwrapped the BEST present a little girl could hope for!! I got a real working sewing machine for little girls. I was so excited. That was a time in life when you got one 'big' present and then little odds and ends. THAT was my big present! Guess who didn't get to even try it out because mom was in the hospital (she knew how to use it) and dad didn't have a clue what to do with it. Miserable! I seriously remember not liking my new baby brother for awhile after that because he 'ruined my Christmas'. HAHAHA!!!

 

Christmas has always been a great time of year for me. Traditions that were deep in family. Cookies. Church. One of my favorite things to do was to help my grandma decorate her Christmas tree each year. She had these awesome little bell ornaments that she hung on her tree that looked like little people. Elves and angels or something. There might have only been 5 of them. She always saved those for me to put on the tree. I loved those ornaments. After my grandmother passed away, I asked to have them to keep the tradition alive of putting them on my tree. A little bit of my grandmother (whom I miss terribly, especially at Christmas time) lives on each year as I ring each bell and place it on my tree! One day, I hope to have grandchildren who want to help me decorate my tree and those bells will be saved for them to place!

As a child, Christmas was always a hectic day for my parents. We'd have to visit both sets of grandparents and it seemed like we never had a lot of time at any place, but as a child, it was all we knew of Christmas. The hustle and bustle of the day. Family. Love. One year, the only thing I asked for from Santa was a Cabbage Patch Preemie doll. It wasn't just any Cabbage Patch Preemie on my list. I wanted an African American BOY preemie. My best friend's family had been fostering a little boy who I adored. I wanted a doll that was just like Aaron!! I found out later that my grandfather (who was an old school PA Dutch kind of guy) had traipsed all over Allentown looking for THE doll I wanted and did not settle til he found it, although it ended up being a girl. April Priscilla! Another fond Christmas memory of days gone by. Memories of Christmas that make me smile.

My home is decorated to the nines for Christmas! I've got Christmas trees in almost every room, decorations in every room (YES, even the bathroom gets decorated!), and I love to be surrounded by the beauty of Christmas. White lights on the tree, around the door/archways, on decorations; they are the only light I prefer when sitting around at night watching my Christmas movies!!

Christmas music has been playing at my desk since Thanksgiving. I've been wearing Christmas attire since we are back from Thanksgiving break (and I'm sad there wasn't more time between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!). I'm done with the wrapping, the sending of Christmas cards, stocking stuffers have been purchased (slightly disappointed in them this year), and I'm ready to put work in the books for this year (ONE MORE DAY!)!! The dogs have their Christmas collars and bandanas on! I've been told I suffer from O.C.D (Obsessive Christmas Disorder) and to that I say, YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!! I love all things Christmas and sometimes I struggle when others don't share in my affinity for all things Christmas. In my world, Christmas can get here now!!! Hurry Christmas!!!

In my love for all things Christmas, one image will ALWAYS stand out in my memory bank. As a child, we would drive to the next town to visit my grandparents. A storefront on the main street in the town always had a statue in their front window of Santa kneeling at the manger of the Christ Child. It always struck me as profound (even before I knew what profound meant). There was always something about THAT window display that put the meaning of Christmas where it should be. Yes, Christmas is wonderful with the lights, bells, trees, Santa Claus, gifts, music, movies, TV specials, hoopla out the whazoo, but in reality, Christmas is beautiful for the one gift that was unselfishly given to us, in the form of a baby in a manger. The image of Santa kneeling at the Christ Child's manger is a hauntingly beautiful reminder of the TRUE meaning of the season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. May the blessings of Christmas be with you this holiday season and in the days that follow, as we usher in a new year, new decade.

Christmastime is here

It's almost Christmas!! It truly is my favorite time of year (and honestly, my favorite DAY of the year!)!!! I love all things Christmas! The lights!! The colors!! Santa!! SNOW!! The Nativity!! The Christmas Story!! Bells!! Tinsel!! Garland!! Angels!! Balls!! Music!! Movies!!

Christmastime is here. It's my favorite time of the year for so many reasons. I've been determined to keep it my favorite time of year, despite the hand we were dealt with in the last 3 months. This year, Christmas will be so different, but rather than become all mopey about it, I am embracing the change. 

It will be the first year that there will be no children in our house on Christmas morning. 29 years of waking up to one (or both) of my girls in their rooms, patiently waiting to go downstairs to see what Mama Claus delivered during the night has come to an end, as I knew it one day would. And as much as I knew it would, I wasn't quite prepared for it. There is a part of me that is sad at this thought (because it has always been my favorite part of the day - waking up and heading downstairs and seeing their faces at what was under the tree!!!) but there is also a part of me that is so proud at how wonderfully their lives have turned out. Each living in their own homes, creating Christmas traditions with their families. It's a new Christmas for me this year, but I'm ok with that!

This year will be different in that we won't get our usual texts from California. Bill won't get his hour(s) long Christmas phone call from Billy. I'm praying for peace in our hearts this Christmas day, as we go about our day keeping his memory alive and remembering him with happy memories of Christmases past, thanking God for the Christmases we HAD with him. Different. A new normal.

December 25 will also mark our 10th anniversary!! 10 years of being married to the most amazing man I've ever known in my life (next to my dad!). Not even joking when I say, it feels like we've been together forever. Bill always says we have. We've been together in many previous lives and somehow we always manage to find each other over and over again. I believe that, weird as it may sound. When I first met Bill DeHart, I had no idea what changes he would bring to my life. I will forever be thankful our paths crossed again and that we managed to become one. There is NO one else I want to go through life with than my main squeeze!

10 years ago, when Bill proposed the idea of getting married on Christmas Day, in my grandmother's living room (where he proposed to me 2 years prior), I thought he was just kidding around. I wasn't so sure I really wanted to get married again. I was content with life as it was. As often as Bill would say we would get married one day, I swore it was 'never gonna happen' for one reason or another (we have quite a history there!). We managed to throw together an incredible wedding in two weeks time and we got married in front of the Christmas tree in my grandmothers front living room at 4pm on December 25, 2009 by the Mayor of Bowmanstown and in front of family and two special friends! It was my last Christmas with my beloved Grandma Marilyn. It was the best Christmas of my life up to that point. Every Christmas since has been exceptional. I love all things Christmas and hope to spread that Christmas cheer to those I encounter on a daily basis!

Life in the last 10 years: we've traveled a lot, watched our daughters graduate high school and college (a few times), supported our son in his life decision to move across the country, saw our daughter get married, another one get engaged, experienced the heartache of losing our son, added two dogs to the family, produced a CD for the band (YAY BILL!! FOLLOW THAT DREAM, MY LOVE!), and simply enjoyed life TOGETHER. 

Bill, life with you is nothing short of amazing. You keep me smiling when I want to frown, laughing when I want to cry. You support all my crazy ideas and love me through thick and thin. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and I am so blessed that you share that heart with me. Happy 10 years (I know I'm early, but the mood struck for this post so here it is!), Babe!!!!

Wishing everyone who has read this blog a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Joyous New Year. May 2020 be better than 2019!!!

Four words that made a difference

I wasn't going to write again this week, but something happened last night that prompted my urge to write about it. 

During the day yesterday, my wonderfully amazing husband asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him last night. I love when he does things like that. He's a genuinely amazing person, who ALWAYS asks me on a 'date'. Yes, despite the fact that we are older AND have been together forever, he still asks me on date nights!! I was planning on making a broiled salmon for dinner, but without hesitation, I told him I'd love to join him out for dinner! I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want to go out to dinner rather than cook, right???

So, he gets home from work and changes around and off we go. I wasn't sure what I was hungry for so I left it up to him where we'd eat. Since the beginning of July, I've been following the Code Red Lifestyle, which has completely changed my way of eating. It isn't difficult to follow, and I have lost over 60 pounds in a very healthy way. My husband has been extremely supportive of this decision of mine and does his best to accommodate my needs when eating out. I'm never worried....I can always find something on a menu that I choose to eat!

We ended up at a place called The Keystone Pub, which is a favorite spot of his. I was checking out the menu and decided on a Black and Bleu burger with no bun: a blackened burger, bleu cheese crumbles, sauteed onions, bacon, and jalapeno peppers. Delicious!!! When the waitress came around, I asked her for the burger, no bun and a side salad with Ranch dressing. She proceeds to ask me if I want fries or chips with my burger. I told her I didn't need either, just the side salad.

My husband and I sat chatting before our food came out and when it did, he looks over at me and says, "I'm proud of you." 

"Proud of me?" I responded, "Why?"

"Because you've found something that really works for you and you stick to it like it's nothing! You look great!"

Talk about making me feel exceptional? My husband has ALWAYS made me feel like a million bucks. He ALWAYS makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world (or at least the room!). He ALWAYS makes sure I know that he notices the little things. He is one of the most respectful men I've ever met.  

Since starting my new lifestyle, he's been on board to the best of his ability! He's such a foodie! He loves eating out. He loves desserts. He loves food! It's his vice. That being said, he's been supportive of new dinners, new food options, and grocery shopping in a different way than we've been used to. He expresses a genuine interest in what I'm doing.

I truly believe you should be with someone who is proud of you, proud to be with you, proud of your accomplishments. Be with someone who makes you laugh more than cry, lifts you up more than puts you down, listens to you when you have something to say rather than dismissing your ideas or feelings. Be with someone who understands ALL your moods and knows how to make each of them better, and most of all, be with someone who makes YOU a priority. It is my sincere hope that through my relationship with my husband, my daughters have been able to see how a true relationship looks, what it should be like (rather than what they were subjected to when I was married to their father), and how true compromise makes all relationships even stronger.

"I'm proud of you." Four words that meant so very much to me......and I know he meant it, too.

On Thankgsiving and Thankfulness

It's that time of year again! We are well into the month of THANKS, the month where we start seeing the thankful posts of our friends, popping up everywhere on social media. It truly warms my heart when I read other people's thankful posts and I imagine that's what happens when they read mine (assuming they actually read what I have to say each night). What saddens me, is that once December 1 rolls around, the posts stop. If there is anything I've learned throughout my own thankful journey, is that the idea of being thankful should NOT be isolated to just one day (Thanksgiving) or one month (November) each year, but rather, it should be celebrated EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The older I get, the more I stand behind this idea. Mother's Day: why not celebrate your mom EVERY SINGLE DAY? Father's Day: ditto! Honor them EVERY SINGLE DAY! Valentine's Day: my goodness, shower those you love EVERY SINGLE DAY with acts of love and kindness! 

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday (followed extremely closely by Christmas) since I was a little girl. I remember waking up on Thanksgiving morning to the smell of dinner being prepared by my mom. The smell of turkey wafting through the house, mom's mouthwatering orange juice sweet potatoes, the rich aroma of green bean casserole......just thinking about it takes me right back to being a child at 405 White Street!!! I remember getting excited for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, especially the Snoopy balloon AND of course, Santa at the end!!! I remember waiting patiently for my grandparents to come to our house for the meal (and my Grandma Marilyn bringing the delicious filling and Grandma LaRue bringing the pies and pumpkin rolls!!!). Family all around the table together....giving thanks and feeling extremely blessed!

This year, Thanksgiving will be a bit different. Grandma LaRue won't be at the Thanksgiving table. There will be no GOBBLE til ya WOBBLE texts from Billy. It will be a bit different BUT one thing is for certain, we will still give thanks for all we do have and for the time we had with those we loved. I'm using Thanksgiving as a holiday of refocus this year. While we suffered some losses, we truly still have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving has always been, and will always remain, my favorite holiday. This year, I am putting out this challenge to anyone who reads this blog posting......let Thanksgiving be more than just one day. Keep your gratitude list going in the days, weeks, months, and even year ahead. By focusing on what you are thankful for, you will find even more blessings coming your way. Trust me! Expressing heartfelt gratitude each day, is one of life's greatest joys! I find myself smiling as I finish my nightly thankful posts, just being overjoyed at the blessings I have in my life, even when, at times, it doesn't feel as though I have much to be thankful for! Gratitude is the true heart of Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

HI! Remember me?

Hey there! Remember me? I'm back! I hadn't realized how long I'd been away from blogging until I opened up the blogger website and saw that my last post was in September of 2016. WHAT?! WHAT?!

A lot has happened in the last (almost) 2 years. My youngest finished her second year of college (remember THAT tear jerking blog post?), my oldest is running half marathons (still can't believe that but I'm super proud of her!) and promoting mental health awareness (she's a HUGE advocate for mental health reform here in the US), I changed jobs (for the better, although I miss my coworkers trememdously), my husband had a Grammy nominated song, AND I got a puppy!!! PHEW! Told you a lot has happened!!!

While that seems like a lot of good stuff, my life hasn't been without some challenges as well. Isn't it funny, though, that when I chose to tell you about the things that have happened in my world since September of 2016, I chose to tell you about all the good things. It is easy to count our troubles rather than our blessings, but such an attitude undermines our ability to draw from the good that we have been given and to see our lives as the true gift that it is. A change in perspective can make all the difference. Thinking with a thankful heart completely changes how we view the daily workings of our lives. Recognizing the good and accepting it with gratitude sets the stage for even more goodness to enter our lives and makes it easier for us to recognize that, even in the midst of some troubling times. By choosing (yes it is a choice, people) to focus on the good, the positive, we can change the way we see this world.

2006 the year that changed my life. Happy 10 years to LIFE!

Let’s go back in time. The year was 2006. It was the year that changed everything in my life. A year I haven't talked too much about, until now...

I had not been feeling well as the year 2006 was happily rung in. I’d been having some ‘girlie’ trouble in addition to a very rocky marriage that was wearing on my very soul. Happiness seemed like a concept that happened to everyone else, just not me. In January, I had decided to do something about the way I had been feeling and I went to see the doctor, something I have very rarely done in my life, because I always associate doctors with bad news.

After rounds of exams and testing, February 21 brought me the news I never wanted to hear. I was diagnosed with non-invasive Cervical Cancer. I was a young mother, raising two daughters ages 8 and 15, and in a marriage that was heading for disaster. Just what that disaster would be happened only 4 days later when my then husband would move out, leaving me with a ton of emotional baggage that I was unsure I could handle.

From February through August, I had been having all kinds of procedures done, in hopes of eradicating the cancer and being able to move on with my life. No such luck. With every test came the results, “Sorry, you have to come back in and do this again, we just didn’t get it.” 6 months of being uncomfortable, feeling dirty, just plain yucky, all the while dealing with the start of what would be a rather nasty divorce.

It was during that 6 month period I would find my true love, my forever love, my soulmate. My current husband was like my knight in shining armor, coming to rescue me at a point in my life that I was in desperate need of being rescued. 

It was also during that 6 months, on July 10, 2006 to be exact, Dorothy Gulbenkian Blaney, who for 17 years was president of Cedar Crest College in Allentown, PA died at the age of 65, after battling cervical cancer for two years. This was a very real fear of mine. I did NOT want to die. I lived with this fear every day, but it was at that time, I decided I would do what I had to do in order to LIVE. I found out just how strong I was when faced with this very real fear.

July passed and we headed into August of 2006. I was in Disney with my parents, my daughters, and my brother and his family. It was a trip that my little brother and my parents took us on to help take my mind off of what was happening in my life. It was on this trip that I received the word from the doctor that, once again, I had to set up an appointment for more procedures because, ONCE AGAIN, the last one performed before we left for our trip, did not take care of the problem. Apparently I had a very stubborn cancer cell. What that stubborn cancer cell didn’t know was that it was residing in the body of one stubborn woman.

I did make the appointment with my doctor, but rather than have another (unsuccessful in my mind) procedure, I told the doctor it was time for surgery. I had discussed this with my mother during our trip and the choice was made. If I had a system in my body that:  1.) was stricken with cancer, making me sick and 2.) was really serving me no purpose anymore (I wasn’t having any more children), then it was time to get rid of it and become healthy again.

September 18, 2006 I had a hysterectomy and had the cancer removed from my body for good. No sign of cancer has ever returned. Today is my 10 year anniversary of that amazing decision that saved my life. September 18 can, kind of, be considered a special ‘birthday’ of sorts for me, because it was on this day that I was given that new chance at life. 2006 was the year that changed everything. I was rid of a marriage that was causing me more heartache than happiness, I was rid of cancer that was causing me to be so sick, and I found the love of my life and began a new life in a new direction. And I was able to LIVE!

Until next time….happy 10th birthday of a new life to me!

Respect. Find out what it means to me!

In light of the recent race debate going on in our country and an occurrence that happened to my husband and I last night, I decided to write this blog post today.

We decided that we would have a ‘date night’ to Sarah Street Grill in Stroudsburg, PA, our go-to spot for sushi and live music! Being that my husband lived in the Stroudsburg area for a number of years, he is pretty well versed in traffic patterns and parking lot traffic. As we pulled into Sarah Street’s parking lot (which is understood to be one way), we noticed a vehicle coming at us, from the wrong direction, completely blocking the way for anyone trying to get in and find a parking spot. We continued on until this car was about 30 feet from us and it was then that we noticed an out of state license plate. My husband opened the door (in which, I admit, I was very scared that whomever was in the car would become irate and maybe pull a weapon) and yelled to the driver that they were going the wrong way, motioning with his arm for them to go in reverse back out through the lot. Now, mind you, it was 9:00 and very dark outside and we had no idea if the driver was a male or female.  The opposing car did not move in reverse but rather inched forward towards us a bit, because people were trying to get OUT of their parking spots that they were now blocking. Now, the car door opened. As the opposite car’s door opened, my husband opened his door, too. At this point, I remained relatively calm, but I was a tad more scared as a larger black man stepped out of the car and started walking towards us. My heart was thumping.

I am NOT a prejudiced person by any means, and I completely blame the rash of media attention to the perceived inequalities of race in this country for my ‘fear’. That being said, this man walked towards our car as my husband  stepped out of our car. My husband is a big guy, rough looking…a biker dude…tattooed and goatee….he’s intimidating (but really a teddy bear). I thought, “Oh great….here goes a confrontation that isn’t going to end well.” I braced myself for the worst in this situation, a slew of news headlines starting flashing through my head.......

And then it happened. As he approached our car, the man began apologizing profusely to us (looking behind our car as the line waiting to get in got longer and stretched out to the street) and said he never saw that it was a one way lot. He kept repeating over and over that he was just looking for a spot to park so he could go in and grab a beer! My husband and this man laughed together and exchanged niceties, with my husband saying, “Not a problem, man! Just park it so we can all get moving along!”

The man parked his car, we parked next to him, and walked into the establishment together, almost as if we had been friends forever. We ended up sitting next to him at the bar, buying him his drinks for his parking lot troubles, and made a new friend when the night was over. Phone numbers were exchanged, deep sea fishing trips were discussed, and a lot of laughs happened between the three of us during the evening.

As this whole episode was unfolding, it was apparent that this man was bracing himself for a confrontation (perhaps due to the color of his skin? perhaps because my husband looked like he'd be an angry biker dude? - another wrongful stereotype - but those are assumptions on my part.) and was ready to defend himself if necessary. However, in the world we live in, we don’t care what color your skin is. That’s the way it should be everywhere. We care about what you are like as a person. If you are an asshole to us, we can be that way, too. If you approach and react in a threatening manner, you will get that back. If you treat us with respect and kindness, that is what you get back from us in return. And that is exactly what happened here.

As we talked with Clint, our new friend, a new stereotype was brought to my attention and I was happy to know I didn’t fit the mold. He was actually more afraid of ME. Imagine that. The world in which he lives, women tend to fly off the handle and become the aggressor in situations. He was looking at calm Bill and seeing me in the passenger seat, just waiting for me to fly off the handle at the situation. Part of me was offended that simply because I was a woman, this was the perceived stereotype. Get to know people before you stereotype them. Male/female….black/white/tan/orange…..young/old. Underneath it all, we all have a heart. And a heart knows no stereotype.

I truly believe that there really is no race issue in this country. There is a HUGE disrespect issue in this country and in allowing jackass multi-million dollar athletes to continue in their ridiculous ‘protests’, we are only enabling the disrespect that is shown here. It’s time to look around and call it what it is. It is a choice and consequence issue, regardless of the color of your skin. If you choose to act in a disrespectful manner, then be ready for the consequences that befall you. Regardless of the color of your skin, obey the law, follow rules, listen to police and people in authority (even if you believe they are wrong….there’s a time to sort all that out and make your case known without defying them at the moment). Remember, we only see what the media presents to us. Please give it some thought before you try to justify kneeling for the National Anthem of the United States of America.

 

Until next time…..Think Thankfully

Live your dream, Babygirl

Well, today is the day I've been dreading since May 25. Today, we make the 4 1/2 hour trek across the great state of PA to prepare for college move-in day tomorrow. On May 25, this day seemed like a long way off, a whole summer's worth of time to enjoy together. Now, here we are. August 24 and I am not ready. I know I have to be, but I'm not. I'm definitely putting on my Mama Bear Britches and wearing the stiff upper lip, but deep down I feel a bit sullen.

When my oldest went to college 9 hours and 4 states away, I wasn't sure I could handle that at all. She had been such a major part of my life for 18 years and I wasn't sure I knew how to go on being a mom to someone who was so far away. I needed to feel needed by her. Luckily, she did need me as the many phone calls proved. Luckily, I had my Babygirl (who was 7 years younger than her sister) to help ease the loneliness of having my Firstborn so far away.

Those years that my oldest spent in college and then grad school, gaining more and more independence, helped create an even closer relationship with my youngest. Truth be told, she became my best friend. I could still be Mom....strict and rule setting, but I would much rather have gone shopping, to the movies, to football games, etc with her than with anyone else. 9 years of being together and having so much fun.......

Today, we make the 4 1/2 hour trek across the great state of PA to prepare for college move-in day tomorrow. I know her future is bright. I know that she will do great things, because it seems to be in my children's genes to go out and conquer the worlds in which they live. I know she will be homesick (and I'll be kid-sick, too). I know she will make new friends (but keep those old friendships) and will start to branch out into new and exciting adventures. I know that our lives will forever be changed from this day forward, but I also know that the love a mother has for her children never fades.

These will be some of the best years of your life. I know you've relied on your sister for some sage advice on the college years. Listen to her. Follow her advice. She had an amazing college experience and I want the same for you. I won't give you much advice as you prepare for this new journey, but I will give you all the love and support a mother can muster!!! I'm always a phone call/FaceTime chat away.


I am extremely proud of you! 6 years will fly by in the blink of an eye! Make the best of this time! 

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you wanna go,

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,

All the ones who love you, in the place you live,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

And you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

And always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah, yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish (my wish, for you).

This is my wish (my wish, for you)

I hope you know somebody loves you (my wish, for you).

May all your dreams stay big (my wish, for you)

Until next time.....Think Thankfully

College already? It can't possibly be that time!

As I sit here in the quiet of the morning, listening to the birds chirping outside, I can't help but start to get a bit weepy at the prospect of what will be happening in my life in just a little over 30 days. College. The big move in day.


I remember, well, the day my Babygirl was born. I remember her first days of pre-school, elementary school, junior high school, and high school. When did the time slip so far from my grasp? It seems like it was just yesterday we were stressing over high school sports and classes and now....I seem to be the only one stressing over what comes next.


Babygirl, as you head off to college, I want you to remember some important things......


1. This is NOT high school.  This is not a free education. Ultimately, there is a hefty price to pay to attend college. No one will be making sure you are up for your classes (unless you have an awesome roommate!), making sure you are studying enough, making sure projects and presentations are done, it is all up to you now. YOU are expected to take responsibility for what you do and don't do and in the end, are responsible for the consequences of your choices.


2. Put yourself out there. While I know you have your goals and priorities all well established, please remember that you CAN get involved. Get to know people. Not everyone is like your high school classmates. People CHOOSE college and so they want to be there, too. Join those clubs that may sound corny, pledge a sorority, take a class just for the fun of it, challenge yourself to try new things! True college life will happen outside room 213!!!


3. Organization will be key to your success. Keep a planner or a detailed calendar of classes and due dates!!! Make sure as you organize your time, you leave room for the fun stuff. Schedule library time, where it is just you and the books! Become good at list making. Prioritize assignments and activities. I won't be there to give you the reminders I always did (even though you were well ahead of schedule in most of your due dates!). Take advantage of all the things that college has to offer.


4. Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  I know throughout your school years, you've often been in your sister's shadow, feeling like people would tell you what she did or didn't do. As you enter college, remember YOU are YOU. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Stay true to YOU. Your way of studying may be way different than your roommate and that is OK! She may be better at one class than you are and that is OK! When you graduate, YOUR name is on that diploma! Work hard to make YOU proud of YOU, because I already am!!


5. Please make an effort to keep in touch. Believe it or not (and I know you will believe this), you being away at college will be harder on me than it will be on you. Oh I know you may get homesick and want to come home (maybe....maybe not), but being here in this house without you day in and day out will be the toughest experience of my life. Not having you to talk to at the end of the day will most certainly break me a bit. You were my rock when your sister went away to college, making that transition a bit easier for me. This time it is just me. PLEASE make an effort to keep in touch. I will do my best to not be calling you every day, no matter how strong the urge, but it won't mean I don't want to talk to you! Phone calls, FaceTime, emails, SnapChats! I'm up for it all.


This will be a getting used to for all of us. Me, You, Bill, Grandma, Pappy. All of us will go through this weird stage for a little while. As you prepare for college, please remember that "My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish."


Best of luck, my Babygirl. I love you more than words could ever express. Rock on.


Until next time......

Hope is Delicious

I was deeply saddened to awaken Sunday morning to the news of the latest senseless act of violence in Orlando, Florida. I simply cannot wrap my head around how or why people choose to hurt one another in such violent ways. After a week of being sickened by the news reports of the Stanford Rapist, I was in need of some serious soul rejuvenation. I woke up Sunday morning, hoping my day was shaping up to be just that, a soul rejuvenating day.

And then it happened.

My friend Beth and I traveled to Red Bank, New Jersey to dine at Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation’s Soul Kitchen. For those who do not know, JBJ Soul Kitchen is a non-profit Community Restaurant, run by the JBJ Soul Foundation, that serves paying and in-need customers.  JBJ Soul Foundation encourages paying customers to effect change by donating $20 which covers the cost of your meal and beverages and helps defray the cost of meals for our in-need volunteers.  If you are unable to pay for your meal, you can volunteer at JBJ Soul Kitchen as your payment. One hour of volunteer time earns a dining certificate that feeds the volunteer and up to 4 family members. Pay It Forward.

I’ve heard so much about this initiative and dining at this community restaurant was a bucket list item of mine, but really, I was not sure what I expected, it just wasn’t what I experienced. We arrived at Soul Kitchen a bit early and took a little walk around the neighborhood. Years ago, my aunt and uncle were married in Red Bank (although I was there, I don’t remember much about the town or what it looked like). When we got back to the restaurant, we were greeted by an older gentleman, who appeared to be a local who benefitted from the meals provided at Soul Kitchen.

Being the type of person I am (my grandma always said I could strike up a conversation with ANYONE), I engaged in conversation with this man. We chatted about the Civil War, the state of Virginia (does anyone know if the JAG headquarters is in Falls Church, because he owns every season on DVD and he swears that’s where its located), all the train stops between Red Bank and NYC, and the fact that his mother wouldn’t like where he spends some of his time (and that’s something I promised would remain our secret). While he probably wouldn’t have been the most appealing person one would want to strike up a conversation with, to me, the Champion of the Underdog, he made my day. I wish I had asked him his name, but I was so taken by his conversation with me, that it felt as though we had been friends forever.

After about 15 – 20 minutes of chatting and waiting, our names were called and we were invited inside Soul Kitchen. What a wonderful experience from start to finish. We were seated at a beautifully set table (with fresh cut flowers) and our waitress began going over the menu for the three-course Sunday Brunch. The choices were plentiful. I decided upon a fresh salad, Olive and Pesto encrusted Cod with rice and beans, and the strawberry compote and angel food cake option. Beth had a cold linguini salad with fresh kale, garlic, and white beans. The food was absolutely fantastic. Everyone was so friendly and the atmosphere was heavy with happiness and gratitude. We sat at a table with two younger girls (I later found out one was soon to be graduating and heading to Rutgers University and her sister was a freshman in high school) and their grandparents. It was wonderful getting to know them, as well! If I thought I was a grateful person prior to my visit, my gratitude exploded by a thousand after my visit.

The charge per person to dine at Soul Kitchen is $20. $10 is for your meal and $10 is to pay it forward and provide a meal for a volunteer/community member who was unable to pay for their meal (I was humbled enough to make an extra $10 donation, realizing how lucky I am, even if times can be tough for me, too.). Truly a small price to pay for the amazing service provided. I’m not even kidding when I say that this whole experience will stay with me for a long time to come.

Sure it would have been the icing on my cake to have seen Mr Jon Bon Jovi, himself, at Soul Kitchen, but in reality, I am glad he wasn’t there (although Beth might disagree). I think the celebrity status of seeing him might have taken some of the truly humbling feel to my experience NOT to say I wouldn’t love to see him on a future visit.

Despite the fact that on this particular Sunday, the world in which we live was once again rocked and riddled with terror, violence, and lives lost, my day turned into one of the best experiences and truly renewed some of my faith in humanity. If just a few more people would spread kindness, would pay it forward, each day; if people would be more willing to think thankfully and not be afraid to show their gratitude towards others, perhaps the world around us would become a far better place to live.

Until next time....