Goodbye 2019

For those who know me in RL (real life), you know that this year has been really shitty for me. It feels as though, in a 12 month year, I've had 2 months of actual enjoyment and 10 months of pure shit.

My 2019 shit-storm began in the beginning of January when my L5-S1 disc ruptured (unbeknownst to me - I seriously thought it was sciatica) and rendered me pretty much incapacitated for the next 4 months. The pain was extremely unbearable (let it be known that I have an extremely high tolerance for pain) and rendered me absolutely incapable of enjoying much in life. After a few months of chiropractic care, my wonderful chiropractor refused to treat me anymore. He knew there was more to my story than he could help with and made sure I saw an orthopedic spine doctor. Needless to say, that ended up with surgery scheduled.

April 2, my world changed completely, as I underwent spinal surgery to clean out my spinal column. Apparently, when my disc ruptured, the entire contents of the L5-S1 disc settled in the base of my spinal canal and was cutting off the S1, S2, and S3 nerve routes to my left leg. I had no feeling in my left leg for 4 months. 4 long months. Do the math. January - April = 4 months. Both the PA and the surgeon told me they haven’t seen THAT much disc matter expelled from a disc in a LOOOOOONG time. When I do things, I do them big. 

So, the story continues..... I had surgery on April 2, 2019. What should have been a routine, easy surgery, ended up taking a lot longer to heal, keeping me from work for the remainder of the school year. We had a trip planned, a cruise to Alaska, for the middle of June. I feared traveling by plane from Newark to Seattle, then a cruise from Seattle to Alaska and back, and then a flight back from Seattle to Newark. Travel was not extremely easy, but we did have a good time on our trip. We arrived back home at the end of June and at that point in time, I chose to reclaim my life.

From October 2018 through the end of June, I had gained a lot of weight. I was ashamed of how I looked, how I felt. I decided to do something about it. I began following the Code Red Lifestyle at the end of June and my weight came off and I started feeling real good about myself, for the first time in a long time. 

I returned to school at the start of the 2019-2020 school year. Life was seemingly getting back to somewhat of a normal. And then......

September struck.

I remember September 10, 2019 like it was yesterday. Fire alarm at 2:00pm. Text messages telling me PA State Troopers were at my house. I didn't understand. I couldn't comprehend. Never in a million years did I expect them to be there because something was wrong with one of our children. I seriously thought the worst of my husband, something I am utterly ashamed to have believed.

We lost Billy on September 10. We lost one of his best friends, Tim, on September 24, and then, as we were leaving the Newark Airport, after a 10 day stay in California, on September 29, I got word that my grandma had less than 18-ish, hours to live. I lost her on September 30. 

The last three months of 2019 have SUCKED. We attended 5 services for Billy. One for Tim. One for my Grandma. I'm emotionally spent. 2019 sucked. I had two good months. July. August. Since September, life has truly been hard.

I am looking forward to 2020 because I really believe it HAS to be better than 2019 was. The love of my life has an album that will be officially released in January, we have some vacation plans in the works (Florida and Florida, some more)!!! We will celebrate a college graduation in May, two big birthdays (one in September and one in November) with a weeklong trip to Disney in November, and praying for travel blessings to attend a wedding in California in June. There is a lot of good on the horizon and I have to keep focused on that. I have to believe that 2020 will be better. 

I'm anxiously awaiting midnight, when I can say GOODBYE 2019 and welcome in a new year. One that (hopefully) brings about new beginnings and some happiness, because Lord knows, we sure could use it.

Happy New Year. Celebrate responsibly. Make 2020 a year worth remembering.

In 9 year's time

Today would have been my grandma's birthday. Today, it is 9 birthdays we've had without her. Today, I miss her a little more. It's been a long 9 years for me, but at some times, it feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. 9 years. In 9 year's time: my oldest daughter graduated from undergraduate school AND graduate school, she's gotten married, and has moved to a different state than the one she was born and raised in. In 9 year's time: my youngest graduated from high school, and is about to graduate with her undergraduate degree. She's been accepted to a university to obtain her graduate degree. She's engaged and they just bought a home. In 9 year's time: I got a dog. A little floof face who was named Gus. Gus was sent to me by my grandmother to help me deal with the feeling of sadness following my youngest heading off to college (but I have a feeling I'll blog more about that some other time). In 9 year's time………

In 9 year's time: life went on after her death. I remember when my grandma passed away, the anger I had pent up, the feeling of disgust that while I had just lost the one person that meant the world to me, people were still going about their lives as if nothing had happened. And to them, it hadn't. This was MY loss, this was MY sudden halt in life. I would look around and people were still singing along to the radio in their cars as they drove by. People are still going out to eat at their favorite restaurants. People were still moving along with their life, and I had just suffered such a major loss in my life. No matter how much things had come to a total stop for me….life just kept going on around me.

It has taken me 9 years to be able to attend church on a regular basis, comfortably. It has taken me 9 years to be able to acknowledge my grandmother's birthday without spending the day in mourning. Mourning my loss. It has taken me 9 years to make it through February 2, the absolute worst day of my life, without crying most of the day. It has taken me 9 years to climb out of the hole I had been in, a hole the loss of my grandmother had opened up and swallowed me into.

I was just talking to a distant cousin of mine, whom I grew up with, as he just lost his mom. I finally felt strong enough to admit to him that life does not get easier, time does not heal all wounds, and that we never truly get over the hurt that suffering a loss causes. Eventually, we smile a bit more, and the pain might just go away for a little but the ache is always there. And it's deep. At least for me it is.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my grandma. I miss her as the day is long. In 9 year's time I have thought of her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss her terribly. I still love her longingly. And I will forever feel the pain of losing her.

Reliving the memories of someone you loved and lost will incite emotion. And that emotion will be both joyous and painful. But the pain isn’t a good enough reason to forget about the joy. For too long, I allowed to pain to overtake any other emotion. As time went on, I started to forget the good moments….the perfect cup of tea, the smell of her soap, how amazing pickled cabbage from the local diner tasted with just a hint more sugar in it, and the sound of her voice. 

In 9 year's time, I've grown. I've experienced more loss, I've experienced growth, and in 9 year's time, I've continued to keep my grandma's light burning bright. I will miss her until the day I take my last breath and I know the ache in my heart will never go away, but because I loved her the way I did, she will always be an ever present force in my life, just from a different perspective.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

Until next time....Think Thankfully

2006 the year that changed my life. Happy 10 years to LIFE!

Let’s go back in time. The year was 2006. It was the year that changed everything in my life. A year I haven't talked too much about, until now...

I had not been feeling well as the year 2006 was happily rung in. I’d been having some ‘girlie’ trouble in addition to a very rocky marriage that was wearing on my very soul. Happiness seemed like a concept that happened to everyone else, just not me. In January, I had decided to do something about the way I had been feeling and I went to see the doctor, something I have very rarely done in my life, because I always associate doctors with bad news.

After rounds of exams and testing, February 21 brought me the news I never wanted to hear. I was diagnosed with non-invasive Cervical Cancer. I was a young mother, raising two daughters ages 8 and 15, and in a marriage that was heading for disaster. Just what that disaster would be happened only 4 days later when my then husband would move out, leaving me with a ton of emotional baggage that I was unsure I could handle.

From February through August, I had been having all kinds of procedures done, in hopes of eradicating the cancer and being able to move on with my life. No such luck. With every test came the results, “Sorry, you have to come back in and do this again, we just didn’t get it.” 6 months of being uncomfortable, feeling dirty, just plain yucky, all the while dealing with the start of what would be a rather nasty divorce.

It was during that 6 month period I would find my true love, my forever love, my soulmate. My current husband was like my knight in shining armor, coming to rescue me at a point in my life that I was in desperate need of being rescued. 

It was also during that 6 months, on July 10, 2006 to be exact, Dorothy Gulbenkian Blaney, who for 17 years was president of Cedar Crest College in Allentown, PA died at the age of 65, after battling cervical cancer for two years. This was a very real fear of mine. I did NOT want to die. I lived with this fear every day, but it was at that time, I decided I would do what I had to do in order to LIVE. I found out just how strong I was when faced with this very real fear.

July passed and we headed into August of 2006. I was in Disney with my parents, my daughters, and my brother and his family. It was a trip that my little brother and my parents took us on to help take my mind off of what was happening in my life. It was on this trip that I received the word from the doctor that, once again, I had to set up an appointment for more procedures because, ONCE AGAIN, the last one performed before we left for our trip, did not take care of the problem. Apparently I had a very stubborn cancer cell. What that stubborn cancer cell didn’t know was that it was residing in the body of one stubborn woman.

I did make the appointment with my doctor, but rather than have another (unsuccessful in my mind) procedure, I told the doctor it was time for surgery. I had discussed this with my mother during our trip and the choice was made. If I had a system in my body that:  1.) was stricken with cancer, making me sick and 2.) was really serving me no purpose anymore (I wasn’t having any more children), then it was time to get rid of it and become healthy again.

September 18, 2006 I had a hysterectomy and had the cancer removed from my body for good. No sign of cancer has ever returned. Today is my 10 year anniversary of that amazing decision that saved my life. September 18 can, kind of, be considered a special ‘birthday’ of sorts for me, because it was on this day that I was given that new chance at life. 2006 was the year that changed everything. I was rid of a marriage that was causing me more heartache than happiness, I was rid of cancer that was causing me to be so sick, and I found the love of my life and began a new life in a new direction. And I was able to LIVE!

Until next time….happy 10th birthday of a new life to me!

Live your dream, Babygirl

Well, today is the day I've been dreading since May 25. Today, we make the 4 1/2 hour trek across the great state of PA to prepare for college move-in day tomorrow. On May 25, this day seemed like a long way off, a whole summer's worth of time to enjoy together. Now, here we are. August 24 and I am not ready. I know I have to be, but I'm not. I'm definitely putting on my Mama Bear Britches and wearing the stiff upper lip, but deep down I feel a bit sullen.

When my oldest went to college 9 hours and 4 states away, I wasn't sure I could handle that at all. She had been such a major part of my life for 18 years and I wasn't sure I knew how to go on being a mom to someone who was so far away. I needed to feel needed by her. Luckily, she did need me as the many phone calls proved. Luckily, I had my Babygirl (who was 7 years younger than her sister) to help ease the loneliness of having my Firstborn so far away.

Those years that my oldest spent in college and then grad school, gaining more and more independence, helped create an even closer relationship with my youngest. Truth be told, she became my best friend. I could still be Mom....strict and rule setting, but I would much rather have gone shopping, to the movies, to football games, etc with her than with anyone else. 9 years of being together and having so much fun.......

Today, we make the 4 1/2 hour trek across the great state of PA to prepare for college move-in day tomorrow. I know her future is bright. I know that she will do great things, because it seems to be in my children's genes to go out and conquer the worlds in which they live. I know she will be homesick (and I'll be kid-sick, too). I know she will make new friends (but keep those old friendships) and will start to branch out into new and exciting adventures. I know that our lives will forever be changed from this day forward, but I also know that the love a mother has for her children never fades.

These will be some of the best years of your life. I know you've relied on your sister for some sage advice on the college years. Listen to her. Follow her advice. She had an amazing college experience and I want the same for you. I won't give you much advice as you prepare for this new journey, but I will give you all the love and support a mother can muster!!! I'm always a phone call/FaceTime chat away.


I am extremely proud of you! 6 years will fly by in the blink of an eye! Make the best of this time! 

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you wanna go,

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,

All the ones who love you, in the place you live,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

And you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

And always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah, yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish (my wish, for you).

This is my wish (my wish, for you)

I hope you know somebody loves you (my wish, for you).

May all your dreams stay big (my wish, for you)

Until next time.....Think Thankfully