Goodbye 2019

For those who know me in RL (real life), you know that this year has been really shitty for me. It feels as though, in a 12 month year, I've had 2 months of actual enjoyment and 10 months of pure shit.

My 2019 shit-storm began in the beginning of January when my L5-S1 disc ruptured (unbeknownst to me - I seriously thought it was sciatica) and rendered me pretty much incapacitated for the next 4 months. The pain was extremely unbearable (let it be known that I have an extremely high tolerance for pain) and rendered me absolutely incapable of enjoying much in life. After a few months of chiropractic care, my wonderful chiropractor refused to treat me anymore. He knew there was more to my story than he could help with and made sure I saw an orthopedic spine doctor. Needless to say, that ended up with surgery scheduled.

April 2, my world changed completely, as I underwent spinal surgery to clean out my spinal column. Apparently, when my disc ruptured, the entire contents of the L5-S1 disc settled in the base of my spinal canal and was cutting off the S1, S2, and S3 nerve routes to my left leg. I had no feeling in my left leg for 4 months. 4 long months. Do the math. January - April = 4 months. Both the PA and the surgeon told me they haven’t seen THAT much disc matter expelled from a disc in a LOOOOOONG time. When I do things, I do them big. 

So, the story continues..... I had surgery on April 2, 2019. What should have been a routine, easy surgery, ended up taking a lot longer to heal, keeping me from work for the remainder of the school year. We had a trip planned, a cruise to Alaska, for the middle of June. I feared traveling by plane from Newark to Seattle, then a cruise from Seattle to Alaska and back, and then a flight back from Seattle to Newark. Travel was not extremely easy, but we did have a good time on our trip. We arrived back home at the end of June and at that point in time, I chose to reclaim my life.

From October 2018 through the end of June, I had gained a lot of weight. I was ashamed of how I looked, how I felt. I decided to do something about it. I began following the Code Red Lifestyle at the end of June and my weight came off and I started feeling real good about myself, for the first time in a long time. 

I returned to school at the start of the 2019-2020 school year. Life was seemingly getting back to somewhat of a normal. And then......

September struck.

I remember September 10, 2019 like it was yesterday. Fire alarm at 2:00pm. Text messages telling me PA State Troopers were at my house. I didn't understand. I couldn't comprehend. Never in a million years did I expect them to be there because something was wrong with one of our children. I seriously thought the worst of my husband, something I am utterly ashamed to have believed.

We lost Billy on September 10. We lost one of his best friends, Tim, on September 24, and then, as we were leaving the Newark Airport, after a 10 day stay in California, on September 29, I got word that my grandma had less than 18-ish, hours to live. I lost her on September 30. 

The last three months of 2019 have SUCKED. We attended 5 services for Billy. One for Tim. One for my Grandma. I'm emotionally spent. 2019 sucked. I had two good months. July. August. Since September, life has truly been hard.

I am looking forward to 2020 because I really believe it HAS to be better than 2019 was. The love of my life has an album that will be officially released in January, we have some vacation plans in the works (Florida and Florida, some more)!!! We will celebrate a college graduation in May, two big birthdays (one in September and one in November) with a weeklong trip to Disney in November, and praying for travel blessings to attend a wedding in California in June. There is a lot of good on the horizon and I have to keep focused on that. I have to believe that 2020 will be better. 

I'm anxiously awaiting midnight, when I can say GOODBYE 2019 and welcome in a new year. One that (hopefully) brings about new beginnings and some happiness, because Lord knows, we sure could use it.

Happy New Year. Celebrate responsibly. Make 2020 a year worth remembering.

Tick tock, tick tock time is drawing near!

Ok, so Christmas is my favorite time of (day of) the year! My earliest Christmas memory happened in 1977. My little brother, Travis, was born on the 23rd of December that year. YAY! Merry Christmas! I got a brother, however I wanted a sister! I was devastated when the call came to my grandma's house telling me that I had a(nother) little brother. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I hung up on my dad and immediately ran upstairs and bawled my eyes out! Yes, that was December 23.

My mom had to stay in the hospital for a few days, as she had my brother via a C-Section, so if you do the math, guess where she spent Christmas that year? Yup! The hospital. I don't remember much about THAT but what I do remember......waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents with my other little brother, Chad, and my Dad. I unwrapped the BEST present a little girl could hope for!! I got a real working sewing machine for little girls. I was so excited. That was a time in life when you got one 'big' present and then little odds and ends. THAT was my big present! Guess who didn't get to even try it out because mom was in the hospital (she knew how to use it) and dad didn't have a clue what to do with it. Miserable! I seriously remember not liking my new baby brother for awhile after that because he 'ruined my Christmas'. HAHAHA!!!

 

Christmas has always been a great time of year for me. Traditions that were deep in family. Cookies. Church. One of my favorite things to do was to help my grandma decorate her Christmas tree each year. She had these awesome little bell ornaments that she hung on her tree that looked like little people. Elves and angels or something. There might have only been 5 of them. She always saved those for me to put on the tree. I loved those ornaments. After my grandmother passed away, I asked to have them to keep the tradition alive of putting them on my tree. A little bit of my grandmother (whom I miss terribly, especially at Christmas time) lives on each year as I ring each bell and place it on my tree! One day, I hope to have grandchildren who want to help me decorate my tree and those bells will be saved for them to place!

As a child, Christmas was always a hectic day for my parents. We'd have to visit both sets of grandparents and it seemed like we never had a lot of time at any place, but as a child, it was all we knew of Christmas. The hustle and bustle of the day. Family. Love. One year, the only thing I asked for from Santa was a Cabbage Patch Preemie doll. It wasn't just any Cabbage Patch Preemie on my list. I wanted an African American BOY preemie. My best friend's family had been fostering a little boy who I adored. I wanted a doll that was just like Aaron!! I found out later that my grandfather (who was an old school PA Dutch kind of guy) had traipsed all over Allentown looking for THE doll I wanted and did not settle til he found it, although it ended up being a girl. April Priscilla! Another fond Christmas memory of days gone by. Memories of Christmas that make me smile.

My home is decorated to the nines for Christmas! I've got Christmas trees in almost every room, decorations in every room (YES, even the bathroom gets decorated!), and I love to be surrounded by the beauty of Christmas. White lights on the tree, around the door/archways, on decorations; they are the only light I prefer when sitting around at night watching my Christmas movies!!

Christmas music has been playing at my desk since Thanksgiving. I've been wearing Christmas attire since we are back from Thanksgiving break (and I'm sad there wasn't more time between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!). I'm done with the wrapping, the sending of Christmas cards, stocking stuffers have been purchased (slightly disappointed in them this year), and I'm ready to put work in the books for this year (ONE MORE DAY!)!! The dogs have their Christmas collars and bandanas on! I've been told I suffer from O.C.D (Obsessive Christmas Disorder) and to that I say, YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!! I love all things Christmas and sometimes I struggle when others don't share in my affinity for all things Christmas. In my world, Christmas can get here now!!! Hurry Christmas!!!

In my love for all things Christmas, one image will ALWAYS stand out in my memory bank. As a child, we would drive to the next town to visit my grandparents. A storefront on the main street in the town always had a statue in their front window of Santa kneeling at the manger of the Christ Child. It always struck me as profound (even before I knew what profound meant). There was always something about THAT window display that put the meaning of Christmas where it should be. Yes, Christmas is wonderful with the lights, bells, trees, Santa Claus, gifts, music, movies, TV specials, hoopla out the whazoo, but in reality, Christmas is beautiful for the one gift that was unselfishly given to us, in the form of a baby in a manger. The image of Santa kneeling at the Christ Child's manger is a hauntingly beautiful reminder of the TRUE meaning of the season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. May the blessings of Christmas be with you this holiday season and in the days that follow, as we usher in a new year, new decade.

Christmastime is here

It's almost Christmas!! It truly is my favorite time of year (and honestly, my favorite DAY of the year!)!!! I love all things Christmas! The lights!! The colors!! Santa!! SNOW!! The Nativity!! The Christmas Story!! Bells!! Tinsel!! Garland!! Angels!! Balls!! Music!! Movies!!

Christmastime is here. It's my favorite time of the year for so many reasons. I've been determined to keep it my favorite time of year, despite the hand we were dealt with in the last 3 months. This year, Christmas will be so different, but rather than become all mopey about it, I am embracing the change. 

It will be the first year that there will be no children in our house on Christmas morning. 29 years of waking up to one (or both) of my girls in their rooms, patiently waiting to go downstairs to see what Mama Claus delivered during the night has come to an end, as I knew it one day would. And as much as I knew it would, I wasn't quite prepared for it. There is a part of me that is sad at this thought (because it has always been my favorite part of the day - waking up and heading downstairs and seeing their faces at what was under the tree!!!) but there is also a part of me that is so proud at how wonderfully their lives have turned out. Each living in their own homes, creating Christmas traditions with their families. It's a new Christmas for me this year, but I'm ok with that!

This year will be different in that we won't get our usual texts from California. Bill won't get his hour(s) long Christmas phone call from Billy. I'm praying for peace in our hearts this Christmas day, as we go about our day keeping his memory alive and remembering him with happy memories of Christmases past, thanking God for the Christmases we HAD with him. Different. A new normal.

December 25 will also mark our 10th anniversary!! 10 years of being married to the most amazing man I've ever known in my life (next to my dad!). Not even joking when I say, it feels like we've been together forever. Bill always says we have. We've been together in many previous lives and somehow we always manage to find each other over and over again. I believe that, weird as it may sound. When I first met Bill DeHart, I had no idea what changes he would bring to my life. I will forever be thankful our paths crossed again and that we managed to become one. There is NO one else I want to go through life with than my main squeeze!

10 years ago, when Bill proposed the idea of getting married on Christmas Day, in my grandmother's living room (where he proposed to me 2 years prior), I thought he was just kidding around. I wasn't so sure I really wanted to get married again. I was content with life as it was. As often as Bill would say we would get married one day, I swore it was 'never gonna happen' for one reason or another (we have quite a history there!). We managed to throw together an incredible wedding in two weeks time and we got married in front of the Christmas tree in my grandmothers front living room at 4pm on December 25, 2009 by the Mayor of Bowmanstown and in front of family and two special friends! It was my last Christmas with my beloved Grandma Marilyn. It was the best Christmas of my life up to that point. Every Christmas since has been exceptional. I love all things Christmas and hope to spread that Christmas cheer to those I encounter on a daily basis!

Life in the last 10 years: we've traveled a lot, watched our daughters graduate high school and college (a few times), supported our son in his life decision to move across the country, saw our daughter get married, another one get engaged, experienced the heartache of losing our son, added two dogs to the family, produced a CD for the band (YAY BILL!! FOLLOW THAT DREAM, MY LOVE!), and simply enjoyed life TOGETHER. 

Bill, life with you is nothing short of amazing. You keep me smiling when I want to frown, laughing when I want to cry. You support all my crazy ideas and love me through thick and thin. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and I am so blessed that you share that heart with me. Happy 10 years (I know I'm early, but the mood struck for this post so here it is!), Babe!!!!

Wishing everyone who has read this blog a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Joyous New Year. May 2020 be better than 2019!!!

Time to be the lighthouse

Well, this resonated loudly with me today. I had a former student's mother once tell me that she was certain God placed me in certain student's lives for a purpose. That reverberated in my head this morning as I faced a situation I never wanted to be faced with, let alone be faced with almost 3 months after losing my bonus son.

I've been working with a senior of mine for two months now, trying to get him to see the importance of school....attendance and grades....making something of his life. I knew I had gotten through to him, when he started showing up on time, not missing days anymore, and truly being present in his classes. AAAAAAANNNNND, when he was late, he'd avoid my room so as to not "upset or disappoint" me. I like to think that we have built a good student/teacher relationship.

I took notice to the attendance roster today and I knew he was absent. I figured he would be in on the late bus today. Maybe around 10:00ish that student walked into my room looking absolutely awful. He walked over to my desk and said, "Miss, I have something I have to tell you." I jokingly said, "ohhhhh and just what do you have to tell me?" thinking that perhaps he was quitting wrestling or worse, school. It was then that things became absolutely heartbreaking.

"Miss, I just wanted to tell you that my mom died on December 7. I didn't want to come to school today, but I knew I had to tell you. I needed to talk to you."

My heart sank. Absolutely sank. I cried. He cried. We talked for a bit about his mom and what he experienced (which no 18 year old should have to experience). I couldn't help but feel such heartache for him. And for me, it is a raw emotion right now, coming so close to the 3 month anniversary of the loss of Billy. To hear this young man, who I've grown to really enjoy as a student, say, "Miss, I am motherless. I do not have a mom anymore. I wanted her to be at my graduation. I wanted her to see my kids someday." I watched him try to be so strong, but in the end, just break down and cry. That pretty much did me in.

I immediately messaged my grounding force, my friend Jenny. She, once again, put it so wonderfully into perspective for me.

"Just remember, you're the lighthouse today. You've been the boat out in the ocean, but today you get to be the lighthouse."

WOW. Talk about a powerful statement for me to hear. As my student was leaning on me for support and I heard the words of my former student's mother echoing in my ear, as my posture began to shrink and cower in heartache and hurt and the tears just wanted to keep flowing from my eyes, those words took on a force of their own and drowned out the negative I had been feeling. I stood tall, like a lighthouse, and talked my student through a hard moment. I didn't seek this out, this sought me out. In the midst of his heartache, he chose to come to school because he needed me. And I was there for him. And I will be there for him.

I assured him that while I can't replace his mom, I can be there for him...to support him, to see him graduate, to watch the rest of his life unfold no matter where it takes him. And I assured him that he was allowed to grieve however he needed to grieve in whatever way he chose. I reminded him that he will feel many things, and that they were all ok to feel. I made sure he knew that I was there for him through it all.

It's definitely a different kind of grief, but a shared grief nonetheless. It was a struggle for me to get through the day today....my thoughts where everywhere. My thoughts STILL everywhere. I do believe that God has placed me in certain student's lives for a reason but I also believe that certain students are placed in MY life for a reason. I've said for a few weeks now, that if any student would be the one to get me back to my 'zest' for teaching, it would be this one. I talk about him quite a bit and how I'm channeling Billy when I work with him, talk to him, guide him. And now, I am in a different role, helping a student deal with an unspeakable heartbreak. The tears flow freely......

I'm asking those of you who read my blog to stop what you are doing and offer up a positive thought or prayer for my student and his family. 

The Tuesday struggle is real

If you follow me on Instagram, you saw my post from today. It's Tuesday and I really have come to hate Tuesdays. I feel like everything bad that has ever happened in my life has happened on a Tuesday. I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer ON A TUESDAY. My beloved Grandma Marilyn died ON A TUESDAY. My stepson died ON A TUESDAY. And it wasn't until Billy's death that I realize just how crappy Tuesdays have been in my life. And I'm sure it's all in my head, but......

This Tuesday started out with an overdraft charge in my checking account (still trying to figure that one out), Penny puking all over my carpeting 10 minutes before having to leave for work (DISGUSTING), and being in a real shitty mood. I heard Martina McBride's version of Silent Night on the radio on my way to work and cried buckets. That song always does me in, but today it was a million times worse. And I can't figure out why the Siri doesn't work in my car (hands free stuff) all of a sudden (which is trivial, I know but today it set me over the edge). It's Tuesday. And as much as I always taught my girls, when having a bad day, "Momma says some days are like that, even in Australia." (thanks Alexander), I can't shake the complete disdain for Tuesdays.

So, in addition to all that, I've been struggling a lot with some inner demons regarding Billy and where I (honestly) fit into his life. Billy and I had a 'different' kind of relationship. I came into his life when he was older, so it wasn't a typical stepparent/stepkid (hate those terms) kind of relationship where we had to 'figure' each other out. I never felt resented or disliked as his stepmom (and if he did feel that way, I NEVER felt it) but due to the physical distance that always separated us, time spent together was always far and few between. My most treasured memory of time spent JUST with Billy happened on our trip to New Orleans for his 29th Mardi Gras birthday. We shared a great morning walking the French Quarter and having breakfast, just the two of us. I wish I could go back to that time...... When he moved to California, my time spent with him became non-existent. It was so much easier for his dad to go visit him (being that he works for himself and could take the time - unlike me, who had to be careful of time taken off during the school year). Sure we made plans, and Billy always asked when I was coming out so he could show me Cali, but for one reason or another, I never made that happen. Enter regret.

I always tried to make sure that he knew where he stood in our lives, in MY life. I always tried to make sure he knew how proud I was to call him 'son'. I always tried to make sure he knew just how much I loved his dad, because if ANYONE loved his dad more than I did, it was Billy. But was it enough? Was it enough?

Being Billy's 'stepmom' was an easy role to have in his life. I always respected the fact that he had a mom (and a good one, too) and so I never ever pretended to be something I wasn't. I was always fully aware that I was NOT his mom. Bill and I would discuss Billy things and I could always give Bill my opinion, advice, suggestions, but ultimately, my opinions were just that. Opinions. I was able to offer my advice to Billy if and when he'd come to me with a situation. That didn't happen often, but when it did, I remember riding Cloud 9. Random texts would put me in a good mood for days!!! I miss that. I miss the outreach. I miss texts and check ins. I miss the kid.

The love and pride in my heart for him was immense. IS immense. It was a different love for a child. I was fully aware I didn't give birth to him, but my goodness did I love him as my own, and in our family, my own two daughters referred to him as 'their brother'. He was part of our family and I often wonder I did enough to make him feel that. It's a constant struggle for me right now. I struggle with if I was enough for him. Did I do a good enough job as his stepmom for him to never question my intentions or my feelings towards him or where he fit with us? I'm pretty sure this all stems from some events that took place in the weeks after Billy passed away, where my own feelings felt challenged and disregarded. It could also stem from really wishing I could get a response from all the texts I've been sending. I miss seeing 'Love ya 2' come back to me after sending a text. I've stopped texting (as much) because the lack of response has been tough. I seriously keep checking my phone, expecting SOMETHING back. ANYTHING. That void is crippling. I know he's not there, but I want him to be. And perhaps it's because Thanksgiving is two days away, and I'm not sure I'm ready for the holidays to arrive because it will be 'different' this year. My heart is just not ready for any of it, and I don't know that it ever will be ready.

Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process. Perhaps these doubts that have crept in are all part of losing a part of our lives. Perhaps I need to stop replaying some of the events of the past 11 weeks. Perhaps. Being stuck in your own thoughts is tough to navigate out of. Today, my own head is my worst enemy. I know what's in my head and heart but uncertainty has become my demon today and it is bringing me down. 

I'm going to try to follow the quote image above....it's a wonderful twofold reminder for me and I have to do better at remembering. I try not to cry because the sun (son) is gone....I need to look to the stars and remember what a bright guiding star we have now. I find some comfort in that and in that comfort there is hope.

I know I'll rise above and will be ok as I work through all this. If you've taken the time to read this rambling post, THANK YOU. As I always say, it's so much easier to write my feelings than speak them.

Four words that made a difference

I wasn't going to write again this week, but something happened last night that prompted my urge to write about it. 

During the day yesterday, my wonderfully amazing husband asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him last night. I love when he does things like that. He's a genuinely amazing person, who ALWAYS asks me on a 'date'. Yes, despite the fact that we are older AND have been together forever, he still asks me on date nights!! I was planning on making a broiled salmon for dinner, but without hesitation, I told him I'd love to join him out for dinner! I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want to go out to dinner rather than cook, right???

So, he gets home from work and changes around and off we go. I wasn't sure what I was hungry for so I left it up to him where we'd eat. Since the beginning of July, I've been following the Code Red Lifestyle, which has completely changed my way of eating. It isn't difficult to follow, and I have lost over 60 pounds in a very healthy way. My husband has been extremely supportive of this decision of mine and does his best to accommodate my needs when eating out. I'm never worried....I can always find something on a menu that I choose to eat!

We ended up at a place called The Keystone Pub, which is a favorite spot of his. I was checking out the menu and decided on a Black and Bleu burger with no bun: a blackened burger, bleu cheese crumbles, sauteed onions, bacon, and jalapeno peppers. Delicious!!! When the waitress came around, I asked her for the burger, no bun and a side salad with Ranch dressing. She proceeds to ask me if I want fries or chips with my burger. I told her I didn't need either, just the side salad.

My husband and I sat chatting before our food came out and when it did, he looks over at me and says, "I'm proud of you." 

"Proud of me?" I responded, "Why?"

"Because you've found something that really works for you and you stick to it like it's nothing! You look great!"

Talk about making me feel exceptional? My husband has ALWAYS made me feel like a million bucks. He ALWAYS makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world (or at least the room!). He ALWAYS makes sure I know that he notices the little things. He is one of the most respectful men I've ever met.  

Since starting my new lifestyle, he's been on board to the best of his ability! He's such a foodie! He loves eating out. He loves desserts. He loves food! It's his vice. That being said, he's been supportive of new dinners, new food options, and grocery shopping in a different way than we've been used to. He expresses a genuine interest in what I'm doing.

I truly believe you should be with someone who is proud of you, proud to be with you, proud of your accomplishments. Be with someone who makes you laugh more than cry, lifts you up more than puts you down, listens to you when you have something to say rather than dismissing your ideas or feelings. Be with someone who understands ALL your moods and knows how to make each of them better, and most of all, be with someone who makes YOU a priority. It is my sincere hope that through my relationship with my husband, my daughters have been able to see how a true relationship looks, what it should be like (rather than what they were subjected to when I was married to their father), and how true compromise makes all relationships even stronger.

"I'm proud of you." Four words that meant so very much to me......and I know he meant it, too.

On Thankgsiving and Thankfulness

It's that time of year again! We are well into the month of THANKS, the month where we start seeing the thankful posts of our friends, popping up everywhere on social media. It truly warms my heart when I read other people's thankful posts and I imagine that's what happens when they read mine (assuming they actually read what I have to say each night). What saddens me, is that once December 1 rolls around, the posts stop. If there is anything I've learned throughout my own thankful journey, is that the idea of being thankful should NOT be isolated to just one day (Thanksgiving) or one month (November) each year, but rather, it should be celebrated EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The older I get, the more I stand behind this idea. Mother's Day: why not celebrate your mom EVERY SINGLE DAY? Father's Day: ditto! Honor them EVERY SINGLE DAY! Valentine's Day: my goodness, shower those you love EVERY SINGLE DAY with acts of love and kindness! 

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday (followed extremely closely by Christmas) since I was a little girl. I remember waking up on Thanksgiving morning to the smell of dinner being prepared by my mom. The smell of turkey wafting through the house, mom's mouthwatering orange juice sweet potatoes, the rich aroma of green bean casserole......just thinking about it takes me right back to being a child at 405 White Street!!! I remember getting excited for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, especially the Snoopy balloon AND of course, Santa at the end!!! I remember waiting patiently for my grandparents to come to our house for the meal (and my Grandma Marilyn bringing the delicious filling and Grandma LaRue bringing the pies and pumpkin rolls!!!). Family all around the table together....giving thanks and feeling extremely blessed!

This year, Thanksgiving will be a bit different. Grandma LaRue won't be at the Thanksgiving table. There will be no GOBBLE til ya WOBBLE texts from Billy. It will be a bit different BUT one thing is for certain, we will still give thanks for all we do have and for the time we had with those we loved. I'm using Thanksgiving as a holiday of refocus this year. While we suffered some losses, we truly still have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving has always been, and will always remain, my favorite holiday. This year, I am putting out this challenge to anyone who reads this blog posting......let Thanksgiving be more than just one day. Keep your gratitude list going in the days, weeks, months, and even year ahead. By focusing on what you are thankful for, you will find even more blessings coming your way. Trust me! Expressing heartfelt gratitude each day, is one of life's greatest joys! I find myself smiling as I finish my nightly thankful posts, just being overjoyed at the blessings I have in my life, even when, at times, it doesn't feel as though I have much to be thankful for! Gratitude is the true heart of Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Ok? Not ok. And that's ok.

It has been a rough two months in my life. Very rough. I’m still struggling with a lot of feelings and I am struggling to get myself back, even minimally, to a point of being a self-confident, happy-go-lucky, super thankful me. Lately, it seems like one thing goes wrong after another. I just told a friend of mine that I feel like I’ve been repeatedly kicked in the teeth, but I am expected to smile as if it doesn’t hurt.

Lately, I’ve been stressing out, worrying and not knowing what to do about situations that are not in my control. There have also been days where I wake up and have nothing. No motivation, no desire to do anything, and when I wake up with those feelings, then all of a sudden, BOOM: self-doubt creeps in. She creeps in with her friends self-conscious and worry. The three of them are able to take me down in one fell swoop. One thought. One idea. And then the rest of my day is 'one of those days'.

I know that part of my problem is that I believe I have to be strong all the time. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for the last two months. I feel as though I have to be strong because that’s what people always say to me. ‘You are one of the strongest women I know.’ It saddens me that people see that in me, but fail to see that even the strongest of people hurt from time to time. Right now, the hurt is winning and it is grief on so many levels that cause the hurt. I miss the life we had on September 9, 2019. I miss Billy, my grandma, the lack of self-doubt (that took me YEARS to overcome), I miss life the way it was and I am guessing things will NEVER go back to the way they were on September 9 and before. What I do know, is that admitting that I’m not doing too well with our new normal, isn’t easy, especially because my career is in working with students who are emotionally and behaviorally challenged, many who have mental health issues as well. I work in a mental health related field. And then here I am, being the one who is not ok. I am not ok. I know I need to reach out and talk through my feelings, but at the same time, in my own head, those feelings are not valid and I’m wrong for feeling like this. It’s been a double edged sword for me.

This school year has been especially hard for me. I find myself struggling to embrace the students who need me the most, because I truly am struggling to accept their lack of effort, their lack of care, their lack of ambition. It just doesn’t seem fair to me right now. No matter how I try to twist the facts here, to make it more acceptable to me, I can’t. Day in and day out, I’m dealing with students who just don’t care. I used to think that if I cared enough for both of us, their attitudes would change and they’d see the importance of school, education. This year, I can’t bring myself to care and I hate that about myself right now. I go to work and go through the motions and it shows.

I’ve been extremely thankful for my ‘people’, those who have been there for me to cry to, vent to, scream at, and have just ‘been there’. They haven’t told me things will be fine. They haven’t told me that I need to get over it. They haven’t tried to talk me out of my feelings. They’ve accepted how I feel, listened to WHY I feel the way I do, and are simply there to be there. That’s what I’ve needed through all this. True friendship and sisterhood. I know it’s ok to not be ok, and they know it too. They know that things WILL be ok, eventually, but in my world, things are not ok right now and so they embrace that and help me through that. They never stop believing in me, checking in on me, and not expecting some fake answer when they ask, “How are you today?”

Because my answer is that I’m not really ok, and that’s ok. And I guess I will just keep reminding myself of that and being thankful for my people who will be ok with that answer because they know........

To my husband

To my main squeeze, my Honey Man, the absolute love of my life,

There are a million and one ways I could start this blog, but I think the best way to begin would be to say thank you.

Thank you for choosing me, always. Even when it was difficult for you to do so, you never stopped choosing me or loving me, ever. You are an incredible human being, and I am so incredibly thankful that I was blessed enough to be yours. First loves are fun and fresh, but to be someone's end of the road love, that's something even more incredible. I am so thankful to be your end of the road and I am even more thankful that you are mine. You've shown me love like I've never known before and will never experience again in this lifetime.

Thank you for marrying me. I've said it many times before, but being married to you has changed me for the better. YOU have changed me for the better. Our marriage has proven to be a beautiful union, a true partnership. We are one. Marriage takes two people working together through the easy times as well as the difficulties, leaning on one another through the bad and celebrating with one another through all the good. We've had our share of both. I'm thankful to have been right aside of you through all our ups and downs.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Never let there be any doubt on how much I love you. Through the trials and obstacles, you have loved me through them all. You are my calm in the storm, my rainbow after the rain, my rock when the world is crumbling, my smile when I want to frown. You are not just my best friend, but my everything.

Thank you for never getting tired of hearing me tell you how much I love you. I sometimes feel as though I don't tell you enough (even though I tell you numerous times a day) just how much you mean to me. I would move heaven and earth for you if I could. You truly are my world. I love you more than you could even imagine.....For Now, Forever, For Always!!!!!

Thank you for loving my girls as your own. Your incredible influence in their lives has been such a gift to us. You stepped in when you really didn't have to and have been the best example of what a dad should be. They are better people because of your example, your influence, your love.

Thank you for not giving up on things when life handed us the worst situation in the world to deal with. Thank you for remaining strong in the face of heartbreak. Thank you for wanting me by your side. Thank you for hearing me, understanding me, and allowing me to grieve right along side of you and for never dismissing my hurt. Thank you for keeping me right by your side.

Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for never giving up on me, and for everything in between. We are one.