What's your legacy gonna be?

Legacy is defined in the dictionary as “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor from the past.”  Given this definition, a legacy is not something that we have complete control over; after all, we cannot control how other people perceive us, we can only control our own actions. We can only live our lives the way we see fit and hope that whatever we are doing leaves a mark, leaves others constantly reminded of us. Right?

I’ve been struggling with this idea lately. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it since September. I know Billy left a legacy behind. People want to be like Billy. Live a life as he did….full and free! Billy always made you wish you had what he had…..fire in his soul. Yet, he wasn’t the type to be in your face about it. What we must do is inspire through our own actions much like Billy did. Billy didn’t just think about doing things, or tell others to do them; he went out and got things done on his own! He epitomized the Maya Angelou quote referenced at the top of the blog: "If you're going to live, leave a legacy. Make a mark in the world that can't be erased."

That has gotten me to think about my own life. What legacy will I leave for people who knew me? What mark am I leaving in the world? Right now, I’m quite frustrated with work. While I am thankful for my current position, I feel unfulfilled. Listening to a former classroom aide (and friend) of mine talk of what it was like being in the classroom with me, hearing former students recall favorite moments with me, parents who still tell me they miss me teaching their child…..it all adds up to a frustrated me at the moment. I do not toot my own horn, but one thing I do know is that I am a damn good teacher. And I do miss teaching. I do not miss the lesson planning, the grading, the dealing with behaviors, etc….but I miss delivering lessons with a certain savoir faire. I miss seeing the 'lightbulb' moments. I miss the excitement that my teaching brought to my students which in turn made them excited about learning. My husband says, there's always two sides to every situation. He's right. While I am no longer being hit, kicked, spit on, bitten, assaulted, verbally abused, etc and I am thankful for that, I feel as though I am also no longer really teaching. Not the way I enjoy teaching, that is.

Today, I found out that a girl I played basketball against in high school passed away after two bouts with breast cancer. She was 46. I read articles about her and again, my heart sank. She made her mark, on and off the court, first as a player, then as a coach. And in between all that, she was a very respected Special Education Teacher. She made such a difference. I’m sure she knew it, too, but yet like Billy, she wasn’t in your face about it. She just did it. It was how she lived her life.

I often wonder if I’m doing this whole ‘life’ thing right. I watch news stories and movies, read books and articles about teachers who make a difference, deliver ‘hard love’ to their students, tell students what they NEED to hear, not what they want to hear, make a difference. Sometimes it is super frustrating because that has been the premise of my entire teaching career (which began in May 1995). I feel like I never have it right, though, never landing the ‘dream job’, never being fully recognized for what I do and how I do it. Sounds like I’m looking for praise and accolades, doesn’t it? That’s not it. Not at all. Please read this as a reflective piece, an entry where I am searching for myself rather than a pity me post looking for praise and adoration.

I’ve recently started to dive into astrological horoscopes, birth charts, etc. I’m not saying that I believe in them fully, but I do find it funny that today, one of the changes to my chart noted that I’m struggling in the area of self, specifically a desire that is creating constraints. That area of my astrological chart spelled out that I find myself frustrated in the field of my natural talents (subsequently prompting this blog after one I had wanted to write fizzled out before my eyes). It went on to say that the frustrations I’m feeling will see their beginnings in the new ideas and experiences I’ve been craving along with circumstances surrounding my career or social life. An endless array of irritation and obstacles will affect finding not just a new job, but a new industry. Begs the question of how real is this astrological stuff.

Will I leave a legacy behind me? Will I ever reach my full potential in the areas of my natural talents? I guess time will tell…..but I will always have Billy in the back of my mind, pushing me to do better, be better, live life with zest, and never settle for mediocre when I can be AMAZING!

In addition to half-assedly reading the astrological outlook for my day, I also receive angel messages from Archangel Michael every day at noon. Those I believe in wholeheartedly. As I am finishing up this blog posting, today's daily angel message was delivered to me: 'Speak with optimism and faith about your finances, health, and relationships as your outlook does affect your outcomes.' Hmmmmmmmm. Timely reminder today. And so I shall.......

The Tuesday struggle is real

If you follow me on Instagram, you saw my post from today. It's Tuesday and I really have come to hate Tuesdays. I feel like everything bad that has ever happened in my life has happened on a Tuesday. I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer ON A TUESDAY. My beloved Grandma Marilyn died ON A TUESDAY. My stepson died ON A TUESDAY. And it wasn't until Billy's death that I realize just how crappy Tuesdays have been in my life. And I'm sure it's all in my head, but......

This Tuesday started out with an overdraft charge in my checking account (still trying to figure that one out), Penny puking all over my carpeting 10 minutes before having to leave for work (DISGUSTING), and being in a real shitty mood. I heard Martina McBride's version of Silent Night on the radio on my way to work and cried buckets. That song always does me in, but today it was a million times worse. And I can't figure out why the Siri doesn't work in my car (hands free stuff) all of a sudden (which is trivial, I know but today it set me over the edge). It's Tuesday. And as much as I always taught my girls, when having a bad day, "Momma says some days are like that, even in Australia." (thanks Alexander), I can't shake the complete disdain for Tuesdays.

So, in addition to all that, I've been struggling a lot with some inner demons regarding Billy and where I (honestly) fit into his life. Billy and I had a 'different' kind of relationship. I came into his life when he was older, so it wasn't a typical stepparent/stepkid (hate those terms) kind of relationship where we had to 'figure' each other out. I never felt resented or disliked as his stepmom (and if he did feel that way, I NEVER felt it) but due to the physical distance that always separated us, time spent together was always far and few between. My most treasured memory of time spent JUST with Billy happened on our trip to New Orleans for his 29th Mardi Gras birthday. We shared a great morning walking the French Quarter and having breakfast, just the two of us. I wish I could go back to that time...... When he moved to California, my time spent with him became non-existent. It was so much easier for his dad to go visit him (being that he works for himself and could take the time - unlike me, who had to be careful of time taken off during the school year). Sure we made plans, and Billy always asked when I was coming out so he could show me Cali, but for one reason or another, I never made that happen. Enter regret.

I always tried to make sure that he knew where he stood in our lives, in MY life. I always tried to make sure he knew how proud I was to call him 'son'. I always tried to make sure he knew just how much I loved his dad, because if ANYONE loved his dad more than I did, it was Billy. But was it enough? Was it enough?

Being Billy's 'stepmom' was an easy role to have in his life. I always respected the fact that he had a mom (and a good one, too) and so I never ever pretended to be something I wasn't. I was always fully aware that I was NOT his mom. Bill and I would discuss Billy things and I could always give Bill my opinion, advice, suggestions, but ultimately, my opinions were just that. Opinions. I was able to offer my advice to Billy if and when he'd come to me with a situation. That didn't happen often, but when it did, I remember riding Cloud 9. Random texts would put me in a good mood for days!!! I miss that. I miss the outreach. I miss texts and check ins. I miss the kid.

The love and pride in my heart for him was immense. IS immense. It was a different love for a child. I was fully aware I didn't give birth to him, but my goodness did I love him as my own, and in our family, my own two daughters referred to him as 'their brother'. He was part of our family and I often wonder I did enough to make him feel that. It's a constant struggle for me right now. I struggle with if I was enough for him. Did I do a good enough job as his stepmom for him to never question my intentions or my feelings towards him or where he fit with us? I'm pretty sure this all stems from some events that took place in the weeks after Billy passed away, where my own feelings felt challenged and disregarded. It could also stem from really wishing I could get a response from all the texts I've been sending. I miss seeing 'Love ya 2' come back to me after sending a text. I've stopped texting (as much) because the lack of response has been tough. I seriously keep checking my phone, expecting SOMETHING back. ANYTHING. That void is crippling. I know he's not there, but I want him to be. And perhaps it's because Thanksgiving is two days away, and I'm not sure I'm ready for the holidays to arrive because it will be 'different' this year. My heart is just not ready for any of it, and I don't know that it ever will be ready.

Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process. Perhaps these doubts that have crept in are all part of losing a part of our lives. Perhaps I need to stop replaying some of the events of the past 11 weeks. Perhaps. Being stuck in your own thoughts is tough to navigate out of. Today, my own head is my worst enemy. I know what's in my head and heart but uncertainty has become my demon today and it is bringing me down. 

I'm going to try to follow the quote image above....it's a wonderful twofold reminder for me and I have to do better at remembering. I try not to cry because the sun (son) is gone....I need to look to the stars and remember what a bright guiding star we have now. I find some comfort in that and in that comfort there is hope.

I know I'll rise above and will be ok as I work through all this. If you've taken the time to read this rambling post, THANK YOU. As I always say, it's so much easier to write my feelings than speak them.

Four words that made a difference

I wasn't going to write again this week, but something happened last night that prompted my urge to write about it. 

During the day yesterday, my wonderfully amazing husband asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him last night. I love when he does things like that. He's a genuinely amazing person, who ALWAYS asks me on a 'date'. Yes, despite the fact that we are older AND have been together forever, he still asks me on date nights!! I was planning on making a broiled salmon for dinner, but without hesitation, I told him I'd love to join him out for dinner! I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want to go out to dinner rather than cook, right???

So, he gets home from work and changes around and off we go. I wasn't sure what I was hungry for so I left it up to him where we'd eat. Since the beginning of July, I've been following the Code Red Lifestyle, which has completely changed my way of eating. It isn't difficult to follow, and I have lost over 60 pounds in a very healthy way. My husband has been extremely supportive of this decision of mine and does his best to accommodate my needs when eating out. I'm never worried....I can always find something on a menu that I choose to eat!

We ended up at a place called The Keystone Pub, which is a favorite spot of his. I was checking out the menu and decided on a Black and Bleu burger with no bun: a blackened burger, bleu cheese crumbles, sauteed onions, bacon, and jalapeno peppers. Delicious!!! When the waitress came around, I asked her for the burger, no bun and a side salad with Ranch dressing. She proceeds to ask me if I want fries or chips with my burger. I told her I didn't need either, just the side salad.

My husband and I sat chatting before our food came out and when it did, he looks over at me and says, "I'm proud of you." 

"Proud of me?" I responded, "Why?"

"Because you've found something that really works for you and you stick to it like it's nothing! You look great!"

Talk about making me feel exceptional? My husband has ALWAYS made me feel like a million bucks. He ALWAYS makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world (or at least the room!). He ALWAYS makes sure I know that he notices the little things. He is one of the most respectful men I've ever met.  

Since starting my new lifestyle, he's been on board to the best of his ability! He's such a foodie! He loves eating out. He loves desserts. He loves food! It's his vice. That being said, he's been supportive of new dinners, new food options, and grocery shopping in a different way than we've been used to. He expresses a genuine interest in what I'm doing.

I truly believe you should be with someone who is proud of you, proud to be with you, proud of your accomplishments. Be with someone who makes you laugh more than cry, lifts you up more than puts you down, listens to you when you have something to say rather than dismissing your ideas or feelings. Be with someone who understands ALL your moods and knows how to make each of them better, and most of all, be with someone who makes YOU a priority. It is my sincere hope that through my relationship with my husband, my daughters have been able to see how a true relationship looks, what it should be like (rather than what they were subjected to when I was married to their father), and how true compromise makes all relationships even stronger.

"I'm proud of you." Four words that meant so very much to me......and I know he meant it, too.

On grief and loss

Right now, I'm wondering how anyone 'gets over' significant losses. I know time is supposed to ease pain, but I also know from experience, that is not always the case. The losses I suffered in the last 5 weeks are different to me than losing my grandmother almost 10 years ago. That loss took me 8 years to even remotely come to grips with. I truly lost myself when I lost her. I'm trying desperately to NOT let that happen to me again, but lately I feel myself faltering in so many ways. I feel I've lost my twinkle, my spark, my happy zest for life. And that scares me (but I guess it's a good thing I recognize that? Perhaps?).

I wake up each morning with a certain sense of dread. I know it’s not healthy, so spare me the advice on that, but it’s an accurate fact of my life over the last 5 weeks. I am truly thankful for everyone’s outreach and to my closest friends who have listened to me vent my heart aches....you will never know how much I truly appreciate that. I was told, by a very good friend, that “Maybe you're not supposed to be the same. Loss is inevitable. It's too soon to even begin to get through it. You haven't even had all the services yet. Even then it wont be the time. It needs to marinate. His life had meaning and it deserves to be mourned.” These words hold true for both the loss of Billy AND my grandma. This is a raw and unequivocal grief. And I am walking it alone, at my own pace with all the feelings and emotions that come with it. I still have my good moments and my not so good moments (this morning is the latter of the two) but I keep one prayer in my heart daily, and that is the prayer that I will, eventually, find my peace through all of this. My grief is my grief. 

Grief is both a universal and a personal experience....while everyone experiences loss in their lives, their loss is individual, as I was recently reminded by another dear friend of mine, who experienced a grief of his own not that long ago. Everyone experiences grief at some point in their lives, however, HOW you cope with it is your own, personal experience. Grief, for me, comes in waves and at times, I struggle to keep myself above the water. It knocks me down, tosses me around in the surf like a ragdoll, and just when I feel like I've got my footing about me and can escape it's pounding, it hits me again, and the cycle starts all over. At our teacher in-service on Monday, my supervisor went around the room, asking everyone 'How are you coping with daily stresses? What are YOU doing for YOU to keep you from slipping into the abyss?' I lost it. I sat and cried, unable to answer her question, because in all reality, I haven't been doing ANYTHING for me. I feel like my sole (soul's) purpose right now is to be whatever my husband needs me to be for him. In doing that, I've not truly allowed myself to fully grieve. I grieve in private (which I know is ok...but sometimes I need to be able to cry into someone's shoulder, too). I accept that I own my own grief. Only I truly understand where my grief comes from, how deep the loss hurts, how I am going to cope, and how to navigate the stages of grief, that I feel I have no control over. Sometimes, I just need to be able to grieve WITH someone instead of alone.

I just need everyone to be patient with me and know that just because I may smile and seem ok, I am far from it. Be strong FOR me because I certainly haven’t been very strong for myself.....

Not everything happens for a reason

I’ve had many trials in my 46 years on this earth. Life has not been perfect OR easy, this much I can attest to. One thing people constantly want to offer as support is, “everything happens for a reason” when trying to ‘comfort me’ over the many hardships life seemed to throw my way lately. This past month has been no exception. It seems to be the phrase that everyone uses in the hopes that what I've experienced was somehow for my benefit and it would make me a better person, or a stronger person, OR to just simply test my faith. Guess what, people? There isn’t solace in those words, that phrase, the assumption that everything that has happened in the past month happened ‘for a reason’, as if I ‘deserved’ what happened in some way or another. Nope. I’m not buying it and I’m done with that phrase. The loss of Billy is not a test. It is not a lesson to be learned. It is not a gift of some sort. IT IS A HUGE GUT-WRENCHING LOSS. AND IT F*CKING HURTS.

There are trials and tribulations in life that you can easily ‘get over’, this much IS true and I'll gladly concede to that, however, there are other experiences in life that are permanent. They have no ending. You are forever stuck in them and clearly aware there is no escape from the pain and heartache that they bring with them. The only thing I can hope right now, is that time will (hopefully) bring a softening of the pain and heartbreak that we are left to bear for the rest of our lives. It feels as if the world has thrown the fastest curve-ball and it has gone straight through the body and soul, leaving a gaping hole that can never be pieced back together. A massive wound is left and it can’t ever be fixed, no matter how hard you try. This is the best example of what it feels like to lose a child, and even though my loss was that of a stepson, it does not lessen the blow. It doesn’t make this any easier to work through. There is no “moving on” or “getting over it” or even a solid 'reason' for why this has happened. There is no end.

Losing a child hurts like hell and I won’t pretend it is anything but awful, agonizing, devastating, gut-wrenching and heart-shattering. It isn't something I would ever want someone else to have to experience. "Everything happens for a reason” does NOT apply here. I’m sorry, but there will never be a good enough reason that Billy was taken from us. There won’t ever be a good enough reason for the memories that should have been made to be gone. There won’t ever be a good enough reason for everyone else’s lives to still go on as day in day out normal, but yet Billy’s life devastatingly stopped after 34 short years.

I know when people say “remember, everything happens for a reason” it is meant to somehow help cope with the loss. I completely understand that it is said out of love and from a good place. I understand people are at a complete loss of what to say.  Sometimes it is better to just be there with a listening ear, soft shoulder, a simple 'thinking of you' text, and an understanding that life will NEVER be the same for us again.

I will do what I can to keep Billy’s memory alive, always. Please do the same……..