On grief and loss

Right now, I'm wondering how anyone 'gets over' significant losses. I know time is supposed to ease pain, but I also know from experience, that is not always the case. The losses I suffered in the last 5 weeks are different to me than losing my grandmother almost 10 years ago. That loss took me 8 years to even remotely come to grips with. I truly lost myself when I lost her. I'm trying desperately to NOT let that happen to me again, but lately I feel myself faltering in so many ways. I feel I've lost my twinkle, my spark, my happy zest for life. And that scares me (but I guess it's a good thing I recognize that? Perhaps?).

I wake up each morning with a certain sense of dread. I know it’s not healthy, so spare me the advice on that, but it’s an accurate fact of my life over the last 5 weeks. I am truly thankful for everyone’s outreach and to my closest friends who have listened to me vent my heart aches....you will never know how much I truly appreciate that. I was told, by a very good friend, that “Maybe you're not supposed to be the same. Loss is inevitable. It's too soon to even begin to get through it. You haven't even had all the services yet. Even then it wont be the time. It needs to marinate. His life had meaning and it deserves to be mourned.” These words hold true for both the loss of Billy AND my grandma. This is a raw and unequivocal grief. And I am walking it alone, at my own pace with all the feelings and emotions that come with it. I still have my good moments and my not so good moments (this morning is the latter of the two) but I keep one prayer in my heart daily, and that is the prayer that I will, eventually, find my peace through all of this. My grief is my grief. 

Grief is both a universal and a personal experience....while everyone experiences loss in their lives, their loss is individual, as I was recently reminded by another dear friend of mine, who experienced a grief of his own not that long ago. Everyone experiences grief at some point in their lives, however, HOW you cope with it is your own, personal experience. Grief, for me, comes in waves and at times, I struggle to keep myself above the water. It knocks me down, tosses me around in the surf like a ragdoll, and just when I feel like I've got my footing about me and can escape it's pounding, it hits me again, and the cycle starts all over. At our teacher in-service on Monday, my supervisor went around the room, asking everyone 'How are you coping with daily stresses? What are YOU doing for YOU to keep you from slipping into the abyss?' I lost it. I sat and cried, unable to answer her question, because in all reality, I haven't been doing ANYTHING for me. I feel like my sole (soul's) purpose right now is to be whatever my husband needs me to be for him. In doing that, I've not truly allowed myself to fully grieve. I grieve in private (which I know is ok...but sometimes I need to be able to cry into someone's shoulder, too). I accept that I own my own grief. Only I truly understand where my grief comes from, how deep the loss hurts, how I am going to cope, and how to navigate the stages of grief, that I feel I have no control over. Sometimes, I just need to be able to grieve WITH someone instead of alone.

I just need everyone to be patient with me and know that just because I may smile and seem ok, I am far from it. Be strong FOR me because I certainly haven’t been very strong for myself.....