First of all, happy 8 years to my Think Thankfully mindset. It was 8 years ago today that my nightly thankful posts began. So, happy 8 years of nightly posts expressing gratitude, even when it was hard to do so............
......and that quickly focus shifts to blog posts because writing is my only outlet right now. There are too many things swirling around inside my head (and my heart) and I feel like sometimes the only way to help get them out is to write, write, write. I don't always share my true feelings with people. I tend to keep things inside and just 'deal' with them on my own. I have moments where I can smile and laugh, and then in a quick second, I could just sit and cry.
If there is anything I've learned in the last 3 weeks, it is that major losses are extremely overwhelming. Experiencing two pretty significant losses in a span of 20 days has taken its toll on me. I am struggling terribly, but I am pretty sure it is just deep grief and not a depression. I put on a happy face, but it does not mirror what I'm feeling on the inside. I am struggling. I am struggling to make sense of things, to figure out how to grieve two people in two very different manners, to see a light at the end of the tunnel, to see a brighter future. Life has taken on a 'one day at a time' kind of mantra. Today is one of those days where I do not feel like being at work, I do not feel like being around people, and I do not feel like smiling. I'd much rather be at home, snuggled with my little dog, and letting the world go by with no expectations from me. That's the truth of my life right now.
So many people have told me that I am such a strong person. I can handle this because I am strong. Let me tell you, that is farthest from the truth right now. I do not feel strong. I do not feel like I 'can handle' this. It is hard for me to talk to people about this because, unless you've experienced a loss like this, (you know, two significant losses in a matter of three weeks time), you cannot even begin to imagine. Losing one has been heart shattering. Losing the other compounded the grief and intensified the feelings. Losing both has been a bit too much for me to handle. And I am ok admitting that. I'm not strong. I'm human. I'm trying to deal the best way I know how.
My husband amazes me with his ability to wake up every morning and tackle his days with, what appears to be, minimal darkness. He is the epitome of strength and reassurance. I'm truly in awe of him each and every day. That is not to say he isn't grieving. I know he is. I know this is a hurt that he will take with him every day of the rest of his life. I know my husband will not be whole again until he sees Billy again. I also know that my husband grieves for my grandmother, too. They had a special bond, the two of them. Up until the end of her life, she still made sure he knew that HE was going to get the 'red envelope' from her forever. But the grief we share for my grandmother's passing is so different that the intense sadness felt over Billy's passing. My grandmother lived almost 91 very full years. She had a long life, filled with many ups and downs, but one thing for sure, she was the best role model of what a strong woman looks like. Billy lived for 34 short years. He had so much life ahead of him. And in moments when I think abut this, it just doesn't seem fair. But life is the farthest thing from fair.
I was reminded that it is OK to take life one day at a time right now, considering what I've been dealt with the past three weeks. I was reminded that my light will shine through again, in time. I was reminded to be patient with myself. And I am trying.....it's just very hard.
One day at a time.......
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