Well, this resonated loudly with me today. I had a former student's mother once tell me that she was certain God placed me in certain student's lives for a purpose. That reverberated in my head this morning as I faced a situation I never wanted to be faced with, let alone be faced with almost 3 months after losing my bonus son.
I've been working with a senior of mine for two months now, trying to get him to see the importance of school....attendance and grades....making something of his life. I knew I had gotten through to him, when he started showing up on time, not missing days anymore, and truly being present in his classes. AAAAAAANNNNND, when he was late, he'd avoid my room so as to not "upset or disappoint" me. I like to think that we have built a good student/teacher relationship.
I took notice to the attendance roster today and I knew he was absent. I figured he would be in on the late bus today. Maybe around 10:00ish that student walked into my room looking absolutely awful. He walked over to my desk and said, "Miss, I have something I have to tell you." I jokingly said, "ohhhhh and just what do you have to tell me?" thinking that perhaps he was quitting wrestling or worse, school. It was then that things became absolutely heartbreaking.
"Miss, I just wanted to tell you that my mom died on December 7. I didn't want to come to school today, but I knew I had to tell you. I needed to talk to you."
My heart sank. Absolutely sank. I cried. He cried. We talked for a bit about his mom and what he experienced (which no 18 year old should have to experience). I couldn't help but feel such heartache for him. And for me, it is a raw emotion right now, coming so close to the 3 month anniversary of the loss of Billy. To hear this young man, who I've grown to really enjoy as a student, say, "Miss, I am motherless. I do not have a mom anymore. I wanted her to be at my graduation. I wanted her to see my kids someday." I watched him try to be so strong, but in the end, just break down and cry. That pretty much did me in.
I immediately messaged my grounding force, my friend Jenny. She, once again, put it so wonderfully into perspective for me.
"Just remember, you're the lighthouse today. You've been the boat out in the ocean, but today you get to be the lighthouse."
WOW. Talk about a powerful statement for me to hear. As my student was leaning on me for support and I heard the words of my former student's mother echoing in my ear, as my posture began to shrink and cower in heartache and hurt and the tears just wanted to keep flowing from my eyes, those words took on a force of their own and drowned out the negative I had been feeling. I stood tall, like a lighthouse, and talked my student through a hard moment. I didn't seek this out, this sought me out. In the midst of his heartache, he chose to come to school because he needed me. And I was there for him. And I will be there for him.
I assured him that while I can't replace his mom, I can be there for him...to support him, to see him graduate, to watch the rest of his life unfold no matter where it takes him. And I assured him that he was allowed to grieve however he needed to grieve in whatever way he chose. I reminded him that he will feel many things, and that they were all ok to feel. I made sure he knew that I was there for him through it all.
It's definitely a different kind of grief, but a shared grief nonetheless. It was a struggle for me to get through the day today....my thoughts where everywhere. My thoughts STILL everywhere. I do believe that God has placed me in certain student's lives for a reason but I also believe that certain students are placed in MY life for a reason. I've said for a few weeks now, that if any student would be the one to get me back to my 'zest' for teaching, it would be this one. I talk about him quite a bit and how I'm channeling Billy when I work with him, talk to him, guide him. And now, I am in a different role, helping a student deal with an unspeakable heartbreak. The tears flow freely......
I'm asking those of you who read my blog to stop what you are doing and offer up a positive thought or prayer for my student and his family.
