As I sit here today, writing this blog, the temperatures outside are registering at 7* (with a wind chill of -10*). Since being up this morning, I've watched The Golden Girls, vacuumed my downstairs and collected some garbage to go out tonight, enjoyed some games on the iPad, and just sat in the quiet of my living room. As I looked around the room, I couldn't help but smile when I took inventory of all the photographs we have displayed in our home. We've got tons of pictures of the kids, the grandkids, and the nieces, our parents, our siblings, my grandparents.....and then, there are a wonderful fair share of photographs of my husband and I.....and then I couldn't help but sit in total thanksgiving for the blessing of my husband in my life.
Being married to me has not always been easy. I am a difficult person to love at times. I can be very moody, easily have my feelings hurt, and I am a pro at distancing myself when I find myself in times of trial or tribulation. I am one of the most insecure people you will meet. I can be loud, opinionated, sarcastic, and at times embarrassing. Yes, I can be a very difficult person to love. Things have gotten a lot better since I started on this journey to be a more thankful, positive person, but I still have my lapses in positivity. It never ceases to amaze me how much my husband loves me, despite all my flaws. He truly is a blessing in my life. Sometimes, I expect to wake up and find this was all just a dream. Many times I feel as though I don't deserve his love and devotion. Far too often, I feel like I fail him in the category of loving him. Sure I always say, "I love you more", but the truth is, there is no possible way that is accurate.
It warms my heart to see so many pictures of the two of us throughout our home. This is something that seriously lacked in my first marriage. There were next to no pictures of the two of us displayed in our house. Not this time. We have pictures of our first outings together, band nights where I would sit and watch in awe at my man's musical abilities, vacations together, and our wedding. So many happy memories made. So many smiles. Coming from a first marriage that ended quite bitterly, I never thought I was worthy of being loved like this. How wrong I was!!! All the pictures displayed are awesome reminders of how much we enjoy each other's company, how we enjoy being together, how in love we are.
I've often seen the image above floating around Facebook, some people using it as a 'get out of jail free card' for their negative way of living, their negative attitudes, their 'right' to be a self proclaimed 'b*tch' towards others and still feel as though they deserve the princess crown. Not me. First of all, this is the first time EVER I've used this quote on social media, because it doesn't give me the power to be the hard to love woman as much as it validates the idea that my husband and I share a true love for one another.....one in which he is able to truly love me at my worst. And my worst was truly bad. I put the man I love through hell years ago. In the early part of our relationship, I pushed him away, pulled back all the love I wanted to give him, ignored him, gave the cold shoulder.....totally unsure I was ready to walk completely away from a former life into something new (and at the time a bit scary). Did he walk away? Did he cast me out? Absolutely not. Could he have? Absolutely. I remember well him saying to me, "Go and do what it is you feel you need to do, but remember when it all crumbles apart again, I will be right here waiting for you, to love you as I have been loving you all along." I often think of that and I am reassured by those words. A man who puts up with the bullshit I've dealt sincerely deserves a medal of honor and I don't think I truly deserve him and his love as much as he deserves to be loved by me. He truly deserves me at my best, but my best is just that BECAUSE of him....because of what he has brought into my life, how he changed me.
There are moments we are together that I feel childish for always emphasizing to him how much he means to me, how much I love him. Sometimes I feel it is my penance for what I put him through those many years ago. There are times I feel as though no amount of 'I love you's' are enough for him to truly know what a difference he's made in my life. And as I sit here writing, I can't help but be moved to tears that someone as amazing as my husband, loves ME the way he does. Completely. Unconditionally. Through thick and thin.
I feel as though I am living my best life right now. Happy. Content. Positive. Thankful. My hope is that you are, too.
Until tomorrow, my friends......
Think Thankfully.
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