Thankfulness 2020

 A different thankful post tonight.....

NYE 2020. Last year we were preparing to head out to eat with friends and then ring in the new year playing games and enjoying the company of those friends. Tonight, we’ve got on our finest jammies and will bring in 2021 from the comfort of our recliners, just the two of us, because, well, 2020. 

I challenged myself on January 1 to complete one full year of Daily Calm Mindfulness practices in my Calm App. I was blessed many years ago, to be given a lifetime membership to Calm because I was a teacher and part of the Calm Classroom Initiative. I started my day, every day of 2020, with the mindfulness practice of The Daily Calm. How little I knew at the time, that this simple little practice of daily mindfulness would truly change my life. 

I’ve learned to stop stressing over things I have zero control over. I learned that if I can’t change things, I can change how I react to them. I learned that even the best of intentions can have disastrous outcomes. I’ve learned that I control what happens in MY life. I’ve learned that simply taking time for me, usually 10-12 minutes a day, and practicing mindfulness can change your whole life. I’ve learned that I’m completely happy in my quiet life, keeping my circle small, and not worrying so much about others’ lives. 

I’ve learned that social media is complete shit and that people will make themselves look far better here than they are in reality and that everyone is an expert on nothing. I’ve learned that once a habit is formed, it’s hard to break. I’ve learned that my thankful posts are posted, and will continue, as much for others as for myself. 

And despite the year forever known as the shitshow of 2020, it wasn’t horrible for me. I learned to cook. I learned I have all I need within the walls of my home. I learned I can be happy in my solitude. I learned self reliance. My relationship with my husband grew even tighter, if that’s even possible. My relationship with my true sister friends became more solid, as we helped each other through this year. My fortitude became stronger as I did my part to keep COVID away from my household. 

2020 taught me a lot. I do not look at the last 365 days as a bad year, personally. Hell, anything is better than 2019 was for me. Sure we suffered loss, again, but we also strengthened family bonds, and for that I will forever be thankful to 2020. 

When you are thankful for all you have, you have all you really need. 

I wish you a 2021 filled with your own awakenings, transformations, enlightenment, and love.....always love. ❤️

And tonight, THAT is what I am thankful for.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. STAY HOME!

It's been a while since I last blogged. Honestly, the creative juices have not been flowing so freely this last month or so. Considering the state of the world right now, I felt as though writing might be something that would help my current state of mind. 

My routine has been shaken up as a result of COVID-19, much like a lot of you I would assume. Being in a state of limbo with regards to what work is going to look like, whether those I love are taking this seriously and staying safe, how long is this going to last.....among a lot of other thoughts racing through my head....this all really stinks. But one thing I know for sure is that together we will get through all this as long as we stay safe, stay healthy, and STAY HOME!

I decided to take a break from Facebook for the Lenten season. I still post my nightly thankful posts (and thank GOD I do, because that is helping to keep me sane throughout all of this - I haven't left my house except to walk the dogs around town once or twice a day) and I occasionally post from Instagram (mainly for birthdays I feel need recognition - parents, nieces, etc). I haven't truly scrolled through Facebook in a long period of time. I'm learning how freeing it is to NOT be so reliant on social media and the misinformation that spreads rampant on those platforms. Reflecting on my time away (isn't that what Lent is all about - reflection?), I am not so sure I will ever go back to the Facebook activity that I once had.

This time in our lives is definitely a challenging one. No one truly knows what to expect and the unknowns are quite scary (at least I think they are). I'm a bit of a loner, truth be told. I'm ok being here in my house with just my dogs and my husband, but I do miss being with my extended family. I miss the occasional interaction with acquaintances I'd see at the grocery store or post office. I miss seeing my work friends. I miss my best friend. I do miss life as I knew it prior to COVID-19 coming around. I'm sure we all do.

I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you how to feel. But I can ask you to stay safe, stay healthy, and STAY HOME.  For your sake and for mine....STAY HOME.

 

Life has a way of showing us that we are not in control

Life has a way of showing us that we are NOT in control. Not even close. Just when we think we are climbing our way out of dark places, something happens that reminds us to not get too comfortable with life as we think it should go. You know, John Lennon said it best in the song Beautiful Boy, "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans." a phrase he borrowed from Allen Saunders in a Reader's Digest article penned in January 1957. Life has a way of showing us that we are NOT in control. Yesterday, I randomly wrote the word GRIEF on a blank piece of notebook paper. Just one word. That word. Grief.

It seems as though this grief I've been experiencing is not going anywhere anytime soon. I've been doing a lot of reading on the topic of grief. One thing I've come to understand is that where there was the loss of someone significant, as long as that person remains significant in our lives, though no longer here, that grief remains. I attribute that to the reason I've never really 'gotten over' the loss of my grandmother. Losing Billy kicked my grief into hyperdrive. I'm almost absolutely certain that I will live with my grief for the rest of my life. 

Life has a way of showing us that we are NOT in control. Not even close. Just when we think we are climbing our way out of dark places, something happens that reminds us to not get too comfortable with life as we think it should go. Yesterday, I received word that a 22 year old young lady, one I've known for the better part of 10 plus years - as a friend of my youngest daughter AND as a player on the basketball team I was the assistant coach for - was in the midst of a major medical situation, one that has her fighting for her life. Receiving that news sent my emotions into a tailspin. The grief I've been feeling found it's way right back to the forefront of my head and heart. Grief, I've found, is a lot like waves in an ocean. Sometimes that grief comes in little skipper waves, the ones that just ripple up on the shore, unassumingly. Sometimes that grief comes in crashing waves, the ones that hit you hard, knocking you down and tossing you around the surf like a ragdoll. I'm learning how to manage each wave that comes my way.

Today, I'm feeling a different grief. It's a grief for the family of my dear sweet Mady. My heart truly aches for them right now, and in a weird way, it is taking all the focus off of my own, personal heartache and grief. For the past 24+ hours, I've not focused on the fact that yesterday was Tuesday and my grief surfaces hard on Tuesdays. Yesterday, my grief wasn't my own. It was a grief focused on Mady and the entire Bush family. I know my own grief is there. I remember my loss(es) all too well. It will NEVER go away, but in this instance, I have been able to channel it a bit.

I've rallied my Prayer Warriors, my friends on Facebook who always answer my rally cry for prayers without hesitation. There is an army of people praying hard for Mady Bush right now. If ever there was a need for a miracle, now is it.

I believe in miracles....and I am praying hard for one right now. If you feel so inclined, please pray for one, too.

An all day every day love affair

It's the month of LOVE. February is always associated with red, hearts, love, Valentines, romance. February is my second favorite month of the year (next to November, of course - shout out to my beautiful November-born daughters).

Let's talk love. Love is a beautiful thing and I am so truly blessed to have pure and true love in my life on a daily basis. I'm not a huge proponent of Valentine's Day, but I love LOVE. I do not believe I need a special day to be showered with love and romantic gestures, mostly because I get that every single day. Read that again.....I do not believe I need a special day to be showered with love and romantic gestures, mostly because I get that every single day. I am truly blessed and I realize not everyone can say that. Before my husband entered my life, I could not say that. My first marriage was a hot mess of mental and emotional abuse. I was never truly shown what love looked like in a marriage. That all changed when Bill entered my life.

This past Christmas, Bill and I were married 10 years. Most people say that love starts to fade a bit with time. I am here to tell you, in the right relationship that does NOT have to be the case. I am still just as in love with and attracted to my husband as I was the first time I laid eyes on him. It still excites me that I am the one who is lucky enough to fall asleep next to him and wake up with him by my side every single night/day. The excitement of coming home from work to see him is still strong, the giddy feeling of him letting me know he's on his way home from work at the end of the day is still as strong as it was in the beginning. I look forward to my morning text messages each and every day. If there is such a thing as a honeymoon stage in a relationship, ours is nowhere near being over! 

I do not believe I need a special day to be showered with love and romantic gestures, mostly because I get that every single day. I remember back when things were fresh and new, telling Bill that I hoped we would never get to a point where saying I love you was just something that was automatic and said because it felt like it should be. I never wanted to get to a point where we felt as though we had to express love towards one another, because it was expected of us. All these years later, nothing has changed. Expressing love towards one another is so natural, so easy. It's one of the easiest things to do, love my husband. We truly have an all day every day love affair, and it is exciting, wonderful, intense, romantic.

My wish for whomever is reading this, is that YOU have a love like this in your life, that you are able to experience such an incredible love at some point, if you don't already. I realize I am blessed and that what I have is extremely special to be able to say I have Valentine's Day EVERY SINGLE DAY in my life. I wish you a forever love....the kind of love that gives YOU an all day every day love affair!

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Remembering #24

Remembering #24 - Kobe Bryant (1978-2020)

As I reflect on the last blog entry I posted last week, the one about leaving a legacy, it gave me a bit of a shudder and felt eerie to reread, considering the events that occurred on Sunday, January 26, 2020.......

As a basketball player, myself, being only a few years older than Kobe, his was a name that was known whether you followed basketball or not. You knew who Kobe Bryant was. He was a phenom; a stand out at a young age. 17 years old and being drafted into the NBA from high school, beginning a legendary career at 18....unheard of in my high school years. People truly thought he would fail. He was too young. He proved them wrong and ultimately had an amazingly successful NBA career, having not just one but TWO jersey numbers retired for the LA Lakers. 

I raised a basketball player. My youngest daughter played for 12 strong years and she was my first thought when I heard the news of Kobe's passing (my dear friend, Toom was the second person I thought of....he always reminded me of Kobe!). I've truly cried many tears for a person I've never met, because I know how he influenced my daughter. She listened to Lil Wayne's Kobe Bryant before all her games, it was her 'get in the mentality' song. She respected the player Kobe was and because of him, she LOVED the sport, as evidenced by her tweet after learning of his death and a comment she left on a Facebook status posted about Kobe.

And while I am choosing to focus this blog entry on Kobe, if I'm being perfectly honest with you all, what hurts my heart the most and causes the tears to flow freely, is knowing that his 13 year old daughter, Gianna, was with him. She was the future of women's basketball. At 13, she was already a standout. I mean, come on, with Kobe Bryant DNA in you, how could you NOT be, right? The children who were on that flight with their parents, that last moment of terror, and what those parents must have felt, knowing they could do nothing to protect their children in that moment. I can only imagine what their last moments together must have looked like. No, that's not even accurate. I can't. I can't imagine those last moments.

Those who know OF Kobe, know that he had a bit of a mar on his name dating back to 2003 and allegations of rape and sexual misconduct. He was arrested in 2003 after a sexual assault complaint was filed against him in Colorado when a 19-year-old hotel employee claimed that she had been raped by Kobe. While that certainly was damning to his reputation at the time, and is still something people choose to remember about him, Kobe was STILL a man that people ended up looking up to. His lessons, on and off the court, are timeless. He showed teammates and fans what it looked like to lose with grace and dignity and win with humble pride. I am a firm believer of the idea that you have to take the good with the bad when remembering someone of his fame, but you can choose which focus you want to take. I choose to remember the basketball icon, the man who introduced the world to the Mamba Mentality, the man who's name is synonymous with success, the man who believed in philanthropy, the family man, the man who believed in leaving the world a better place.

When I heard of Kobe’s passing, the movie The Sandlot immediately came to mind (which is weird I know....that's a baseball movie, right?!?). In the movie, the ghost of Babe Ruth tells Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez "Remember kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart kid and you can never go wrong." Kobe is a legend. He’s left a legacy for those who followed his career and his life story. Follow your heart and you can never go wrong. Kobe did just that.

I'm still struggling with this news today, two days later. Kobe was the GOAT of the NBA (challenge me, please), playing his entire 20 year career with the Lakers, winning 5 NBA championships as a Laker, being an 18-time All-Star (let that sink in....18 of 20 seasons he was an All-Star), 15-time member of the All-NBA Team, 12-time member of the All-Defensive team, 2 time gold medalist in the Olympic Games (although I still do not believe professional athletes should compete in the Olympics - another blog for another day) and named the NBA's Most Valuable Player in 2008,  come on. G.O.A.T status without a doubt. 

Kobe left a legacy. Years from now, people will still be shooting balled up paper into a trash can and shouting, "KOBE!!!!" as they fade away from the shot. Years from now, people will still remember the amazing legend that was Kobe Bryant. Years from now, my daughter will be introducing her child(ren) to the sport of basketball and the legacy of Kobe Bryant.

And for all that, thank you, Kobe. Godspeed and rest in power. May angels lead you in.......

What's your legacy gonna be?

Legacy is defined in the dictionary as “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor from the past.”  Given this definition, a legacy is not something that we have complete control over; after all, we cannot control how other people perceive us, we can only control our own actions. We can only live our lives the way we see fit and hope that whatever we are doing leaves a mark, leaves others constantly reminded of us. Right?

I’ve been struggling with this idea lately. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it since September. I know Billy left a legacy behind. People want to be like Billy. Live a life as he did….full and free! Billy always made you wish you had what he had…..fire in his soul. Yet, he wasn’t the type to be in your face about it. What we must do is inspire through our own actions much like Billy did. Billy didn’t just think about doing things, or tell others to do them; he went out and got things done on his own! He epitomized the Maya Angelou quote referenced at the top of the blog: "If you're going to live, leave a legacy. Make a mark in the world that can't be erased."

That has gotten me to think about my own life. What legacy will I leave for people who knew me? What mark am I leaving in the world? Right now, I’m quite frustrated with work. While I am thankful for my current position, I feel unfulfilled. Listening to a former classroom aide (and friend) of mine talk of what it was like being in the classroom with me, hearing former students recall favorite moments with me, parents who still tell me they miss me teaching their child…..it all adds up to a frustrated me at the moment. I do not toot my own horn, but one thing I do know is that I am a damn good teacher. And I do miss teaching. I do not miss the lesson planning, the grading, the dealing with behaviors, etc….but I miss delivering lessons with a certain savoir faire. I miss seeing the 'lightbulb' moments. I miss the excitement that my teaching brought to my students which in turn made them excited about learning. My husband says, there's always two sides to every situation. He's right. While I am no longer being hit, kicked, spit on, bitten, assaulted, verbally abused, etc and I am thankful for that, I feel as though I am also no longer really teaching. Not the way I enjoy teaching, that is.

Today, I found out that a girl I played basketball against in high school passed away after two bouts with breast cancer. She was 46. I read articles about her and again, my heart sank. She made her mark, on and off the court, first as a player, then as a coach. And in between all that, she was a very respected Special Education Teacher. She made such a difference. I’m sure she knew it, too, but yet like Billy, she wasn’t in your face about it. She just did it. It was how she lived her life.

I often wonder if I’m doing this whole ‘life’ thing right. I watch news stories and movies, read books and articles about teachers who make a difference, deliver ‘hard love’ to their students, tell students what they NEED to hear, not what they want to hear, make a difference. Sometimes it is super frustrating because that has been the premise of my entire teaching career (which began in May 1995). I feel like I never have it right, though, never landing the ‘dream job’, never being fully recognized for what I do and how I do it. Sounds like I’m looking for praise and accolades, doesn’t it? That’s not it. Not at all. Please read this as a reflective piece, an entry where I am searching for myself rather than a pity me post looking for praise and adoration.

I’ve recently started to dive into astrological horoscopes, birth charts, etc. I’m not saying that I believe in them fully, but I do find it funny that today, one of the changes to my chart noted that I’m struggling in the area of self, specifically a desire that is creating constraints. That area of my astrological chart spelled out that I find myself frustrated in the field of my natural talents (subsequently prompting this blog after one I had wanted to write fizzled out before my eyes). It went on to say that the frustrations I’m feeling will see their beginnings in the new ideas and experiences I’ve been craving along with circumstances surrounding my career or social life. An endless array of irritation and obstacles will affect finding not just a new job, but a new industry. Begs the question of how real is this astrological stuff.

Will I leave a legacy behind me? Will I ever reach my full potential in the areas of my natural talents? I guess time will tell…..but I will always have Billy in the back of my mind, pushing me to do better, be better, live life with zest, and never settle for mediocre when I can be AMAZING!

In addition to half-assedly reading the astrological outlook for my day, I also receive angel messages from Archangel Michael every day at noon. Those I believe in wholeheartedly. As I am finishing up this blog posting, today's daily angel message was delivered to me: 'Speak with optimism and faith about your finances, health, and relationships as your outlook does affect your outcomes.' Hmmmmmmmm. Timely reminder today. And so I shall.......