Let your faith be bigger than your fears

It is 1:00 in the morning. I should be sound asleep, dreaming of some far away place where the sun shines, colorful flowers bloom, the ocean waves crash upon the shoreline, and I have a drink in my hand. Nope. Not tonight.

Tonight, or should I say this morning, my thoughts are consumed with questions. What's Gus going to do all day while we are at the surgery center? How do they get me onto my stomach on the operating table to do what they have to do to my back? Will they be looking at my ass at all? (Lord, I hope not!) What is sleeping going to be like tomorrow night? Will I be in pain? Will I finally have NO ache in my leg? Will I feel my toes again? How many puppies can a female dog have at one time? How do they scrape roadkill off the road? How high can I count? Wait, SURGERY TOMORROW? Am I strong enough to go through this? Is my faith truly bigger than my fear? 

It's no secret that my faith has been tested in recent years. It has taken me 9 years to really get back to going to church again after losing my grandmother. Whenever I hear the word faith, I think of a quote from one of my favorite 'old time' Disney movies, The Rescuers. It comes as a scene between Rufus (the orphanage cat) and Penny.

Rufus the Cat: Faith is a blue bird, we see from far. It's for real and as sure as the first evening star, you can't touch it or buy it or wrap it up tight but it's there just the same, making things turn out right.

Penny: Can't touch it or buy it or wrap it up tight but it's there just the same making things turn out right.

So, I have to be at the surgery center at 5:30. In just a few short hours from now. I should be sleeping, but nerves have the best of me right now. It seems pointless to even try to sleep at this point, knowing my alarm will be going off at 4:00, we will be picking up my mom at 4:30 and heading towards the one place that is going to 'fix me'. Faith. Faith in modern medicine. Faith in my surgeon. Faith in God, the Father and Jesus, the Divine Healer. Faith. It's there just the same, making things turn out right.

Fixing me. I've been on this never-ending roller coaster since October 14, when I took a nasty fall off a curb, twisting my left ankle (that it ballooned up in an instant), screwing up my right knee, and ultimately rupturing a disc in my lower back (L5-S1 to be exact). It wasn't until January 5 that my ruptured disc turned into a sequestered disc, leaving a 17x18x8 piece fragment in my thecal sac, impinging the S1 and S2 nerve root to my left leg. I have NEVER felt pain like that before in my life and I have a HIGH tolerance for pain. Everything I had ever heard about sciatica pain....this was it. I was sure of it (because WebMD told me so). It was pain of immeasurable strength, and being a person with an extremely high tolerance for pain, it was way too much for me to handle. Two and a half grueling months of seeing a chiropractor three times a week with no results brings me to the current situation.....not sciatica pain, but sequestered disc pain and ultimately.....surgery day. Here's where that faith comes in again. As I sit here with all my bundles of nerves building up, I am also leaning on my renewed faith to help me through this. 

I believe things happen for a reason. I believe my knee surgery fell through because THIS was a greater need. I believe I was brought back to the church because He knew I needed to hear HIS messages, through hymns and sermons, to fully believe in MY faith. I believe I will be ok. It was my mantra as I walked out of work yesterday afternoon. "I will be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok."

And I truly believe I will be. I will be ok. Not to say I am not scared out of my mind, but I believe I will be ok. And I'm sure Gus will be ok while we are at the surgery center (my dad already said he'd take care of my little guy). And I'm sure they won't be looking at my ass (orrrrrrrrrr maybe they will, who knows). And I'm still unsure of how they get me on my stomach to operate on my back (but that's ok). And I'm sure I will be uncomfortable after surgery, but I'm also pretty confident I will get feeling back in my leg and toes (ok, I am HIGHLY confident of that). And I guess I will find out what sleeping is going to feel like with a 2-3" incision somewhere on my lower back (but hey! after not sleeping tonight, I might not even care, right?). And I really don't care about how many puppies a female dog can have (because all that matters is that they HAVE puppies, right?). And I SERIOUSLY don't care about roadkill (but thanks to FaceBook for showing me a picture of an opossum and making me wonder these crazy things). And lastly, I know my faith is bigger than my fears (and Jesus loves me, this I know, because my grandma told me so). 

Until tomorrow, my friends .... “Catch ya all on the flipside. If you can’t be good, be good at it. 😊 ~Rick Greenwood, 1969-2011