In 9 year's time

Today would have been my grandma's birthday. Today, it is 9 birthdays we've had without her. Today, I miss her a little more. It's been a long 9 years for me, but at some times, it feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. 9 years. In 9 year's time: my oldest daughter graduated from undergraduate school AND graduate school, she's gotten married, and has moved to a different state than the one she was born and raised in. In 9 year's time: my youngest graduated from high school, and is about to graduate with her undergraduate degree. She's been accepted to a university to obtain her graduate degree. She's engaged and they just bought a home. In 9 year's time: I got a dog. A little floof face who was named Gus. Gus was sent to me by my grandmother to help me deal with the feeling of sadness following my youngest heading off to college (but I have a feeling I'll blog more about that some other time). In 9 year's time………

In 9 year's time: life went on after her death. I remember when my grandma passed away, the anger I had pent up, the feeling of disgust that while I had just lost the one person that meant the world to me, people were still going about their lives as if nothing had happened. And to them, it hadn't. This was MY loss, this was MY sudden halt in life. I would look around and people were still singing along to the radio in their cars as they drove by. People are still going out to eat at their favorite restaurants. People were still moving along with their life, and I had just suffered such a major loss in my life. No matter how much things had come to a total stop for me….life just kept going on around me.

It has taken me 9 years to be able to attend church on a regular basis, comfortably. It has taken me 9 years to be able to acknowledge my grandmother's birthday without spending the day in mourning. Mourning my loss. It has taken me 9 years to make it through February 2, the absolute worst day of my life, without crying most of the day. It has taken me 9 years to climb out of the hole I had been in, a hole the loss of my grandmother had opened up and swallowed me into.

I was just talking to a distant cousin of mine, whom I grew up with, as he just lost his mom. I finally felt strong enough to admit to him that life does not get easier, time does not heal all wounds, and that we never truly get over the hurt that suffering a loss causes. Eventually, we smile a bit more, and the pain might just go away for a little but the ache is always there. And it's deep. At least for me it is.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my grandma. I miss her as the day is long. In 9 year's time I have thought of her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss her terribly. I still love her longingly. And I will forever feel the pain of losing her.

Reliving the memories of someone you loved and lost will incite emotion. And that emotion will be both joyous and painful. But the pain isn’t a good enough reason to forget about the joy. For too long, I allowed to pain to overtake any other emotion. As time went on, I started to forget the good moments….the perfect cup of tea, the smell of her soap, how amazing pickled cabbage from the local diner tasted with just a hint more sugar in it, and the sound of her voice. 

In 9 year's time, I've grown. I've experienced more loss, I've experienced growth, and in 9 year's time, I've continued to keep my grandma's light burning bright. I will miss her until the day I take my last breath and I know the ache in my heart will never go away, but because I loved her the way I did, she will always be an ever present force in my life, just from a different perspective.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

Until next time....Think Thankfully

Life happens......

Hey there! It's me! Remember me? It's been awhile. Almost a year, to be honest. And if we are being honest, which you KNOW I try to always be, I have to let you in on something.......I'm struggling, a bit, with life. I feel like since October, I've been dealt a relatively crappy hand. I know everything happens for a reason, but these past few months have hit me like a freight train, rumbling through town in the middle of the night. Part of me feels like I've been caught up in Judith Viorst's children's book, Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. Except it isn't just one day, it's been more than I can count.

I've gained weight....a lot of it. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Clothing doesn't fit anymore. I (feel like I) look like a beached whale or the proverbial 'fat lady' in whatever I put on. I'm in constant discomfort and pain, patiently awaiting surgery that (should) fix this. Not the weight part (although sometimes I wish that was the case, too), the pain part. I feel like life has me by the neck and it isn't easy to get out of the grasp. Sleep eludes me on a nightly basis. I've resorted to the pain pills the doctors (again, too many to count since October) have prescribed for me, something I am not happy with. I don't like pills. I don't like having to take medication. I've become miserable. Something I am not proud of. And it sucks. 

I have long (well for the last seven and a half years long) prided myself on being a positive person. Some one who always thinks thankfully, always finds the positive. But you know what? Life is tough sometimes and there is nothing wrong with admitting that. AND, there have been days that have felt like the whole world was crashing down around me. I know you feel that, too. You've had those days, as well. I recently told my mom I could just sit and cry. She told me I needed to and that I don't always have to be the strong one. Do you know what I've learned through all of this? You are allowed to have a bad day. A bit louder for those in the back who may not have heard me: You are allowed to have a bad day. I'm sure you heard that now.

Let's chat a bit about those 'good days'. Good days are so subjective. Whatever a good day is to one person can look very different to another person. I have learned that it is up to each one of us to decide WHAT our days will look like. Be happy if you're feeling happy! Be sad if something is making you sad! Allow yourself to FEEL emotions! Be authentic. That's all anyone wants from people. No one should feel pressured into making everyone believe you’re having a good day if you’re not. That's just not a realistic expectation.

I've utilized my Facebook page, for the past 7 and a half years, as a bit of a journal, if you will. A therapy of sorts, to help me through some very tough times. I look to Facebook to unleash my nightly diatribe of thankfulness for things that happen in my day. I've always believed in the philosophy that if I can't find SOMETHING to be thankful for, then I've done something wrong. There has to be good in every day. And I believe there is. But in doing so, I've also built this false image that things are always roses and butterflies with me in my life. Please don't misunderstand me, I absolutely DO have a great life. I have an amazing husband, phenomenal kids who do phenomenal things, a job I love (more days than not), and I'm relatively happy and positive most days. But I have my moments, much like everyone else. Remember the opening paragraph of this post? THAT'S what I'm feeling at the moment. Yet I still look for the positives. I will attest to the fact that looking for positives in my days has helped me to become happier and less stressed in life, but I also acknowledge the fact that bad days ARE allowed.

A local gym has coined the phrase, POSITIVE IS POWERFUL. And it is. Very much so. While life seems to be handing me all the lemons in the world right now, I'm determined to always find a positive use for them. The reality of life is that your days may not always be good. Some days may outright SUCK. I am a true believer that “not every day is a good day, but there is something good in every day.” Some days you may have to look super hard to find the good, but there will be a positive from whatever situation or day you’ve had. There is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for. Something positive that has turned a frown to a smile, a cry to a laugh, a look of pain into a look of pleasure.

Last week, I saw a quote, I can't remember where I saw it, but it said, "It's OK to share your heart's burdens with others." (if you know where that's from, please let me know) And that it is. On those days that feel like everything is crashing in, everyone is against you, nothing is going right, and you just need to escape it all. Share. Don't carry the burden alone. That is one key to making it through those complete shit days. Lean on those who lift you up, who sing your song to you when you forget the words, who never judge you, and who always tend to be there for you.

Life is tricky. Stay the course and remember, it's ok to have a bad day. One bad day does NOT equal a bad life, even when things tend to appear to be the case. This too shall pass.......

Until next time......Think Thankfully!