An all day every day love affair

It's the month of LOVE. February is always associated with red, hearts, love, Valentines, romance. February is my second favorite month of the year (next to November, of course - shout out to my beautiful November-born daughters).

Let's talk love. Love is a beautiful thing and I am so truly blessed to have pure and true love in my life on a daily basis. I'm not a huge proponent of Valentine's Day, but I love LOVE. I do not believe I need a special day to be showered with love and romantic gestures, mostly because I get that every single day. Read that again.....I do not believe I need a special day to be showered with love and romantic gestures, mostly because I get that every single day. I am truly blessed and I realize not everyone can say that. Before my husband entered my life, I could not say that. My first marriage was a hot mess of mental and emotional abuse. I was never truly shown what love looked like in a marriage. That all changed when Bill entered my life.

This past Christmas, Bill and I were married 10 years. Most people say that love starts to fade a bit with time. I am here to tell you, in the right relationship that does NOT have to be the case. I am still just as in love with and attracted to my husband as I was the first time I laid eyes on him. It still excites me that I am the one who is lucky enough to fall asleep next to him and wake up with him by my side every single night/day. The excitement of coming home from work to see him is still strong, the giddy feeling of him letting me know he's on his way home from work at the end of the day is still as strong as it was in the beginning. I look forward to my morning text messages each and every day. If there is such a thing as a honeymoon stage in a relationship, ours is nowhere near being over! 

I do not believe I need a special day to be showered with love and romantic gestures, mostly because I get that every single day. I remember back when things were fresh and new, telling Bill that I hoped we would never get to a point where saying I love you was just something that was automatic and said because it felt like it should be. I never wanted to get to a point where we felt as though we had to express love towards one another, because it was expected of us. All these years later, nothing has changed. Expressing love towards one another is so natural, so easy. It's one of the easiest things to do, love my husband. We truly have an all day every day love affair, and it is exciting, wonderful, intense, romantic.

My wish for whomever is reading this, is that YOU have a love like this in your life, that you are able to experience such an incredible love at some point, if you don't already. I realize I am blessed and that what I have is extremely special to be able to say I have Valentine's Day EVERY SINGLE DAY in my life. I wish you a forever love....the kind of love that gives YOU an all day every day love affair!

Happy Valentine's Day! 

The Tuesday struggle is real

If you follow me on Instagram, you saw my post from today. It's Tuesday and I really have come to hate Tuesdays. I feel like everything bad that has ever happened in my life has happened on a Tuesday. I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer ON A TUESDAY. My beloved Grandma Marilyn died ON A TUESDAY. My stepson died ON A TUESDAY. And it wasn't until Billy's death that I realize just how crappy Tuesdays have been in my life. And I'm sure it's all in my head, but......

This Tuesday started out with an overdraft charge in my checking account (still trying to figure that one out), Penny puking all over my carpeting 10 minutes before having to leave for work (DISGUSTING), and being in a real shitty mood. I heard Martina McBride's version of Silent Night on the radio on my way to work and cried buckets. That song always does me in, but today it was a million times worse. And I can't figure out why the Siri doesn't work in my car (hands free stuff) all of a sudden (which is trivial, I know but today it set me over the edge). It's Tuesday. And as much as I always taught my girls, when having a bad day, "Momma says some days are like that, even in Australia." (thanks Alexander), I can't shake the complete disdain for Tuesdays.

So, in addition to all that, I've been struggling a lot with some inner demons regarding Billy and where I (honestly) fit into his life. Billy and I had a 'different' kind of relationship. I came into his life when he was older, so it wasn't a typical stepparent/stepkid (hate those terms) kind of relationship where we had to 'figure' each other out. I never felt resented or disliked as his stepmom (and if he did feel that way, I NEVER felt it) but due to the physical distance that always separated us, time spent together was always far and few between. My most treasured memory of time spent JUST with Billy happened on our trip to New Orleans for his 29th Mardi Gras birthday. We shared a great morning walking the French Quarter and having breakfast, just the two of us. I wish I could go back to that time...... When he moved to California, my time spent with him became non-existent. It was so much easier for his dad to go visit him (being that he works for himself and could take the time - unlike me, who had to be careful of time taken off during the school year). Sure we made plans, and Billy always asked when I was coming out so he could show me Cali, but for one reason or another, I never made that happen. Enter regret.

I always tried to make sure that he knew where he stood in our lives, in MY life. I always tried to make sure he knew how proud I was to call him 'son'. I always tried to make sure he knew just how much I loved his dad, because if ANYONE loved his dad more than I did, it was Billy. But was it enough? Was it enough?

Being Billy's 'stepmom' was an easy role to have in his life. I always respected the fact that he had a mom (and a good one, too) and so I never ever pretended to be something I wasn't. I was always fully aware that I was NOT his mom. Bill and I would discuss Billy things and I could always give Bill my opinion, advice, suggestions, but ultimately, my opinions were just that. Opinions. I was able to offer my advice to Billy if and when he'd come to me with a situation. That didn't happen often, but when it did, I remember riding Cloud 9. Random texts would put me in a good mood for days!!! I miss that. I miss the outreach. I miss texts and check ins. I miss the kid.

The love and pride in my heart for him was immense. IS immense. It was a different love for a child. I was fully aware I didn't give birth to him, but my goodness did I love him as my own, and in our family, my own two daughters referred to him as 'their brother'. He was part of our family and I often wonder I did enough to make him feel that. It's a constant struggle for me right now. I struggle with if I was enough for him. Did I do a good enough job as his stepmom for him to never question my intentions or my feelings towards him or where he fit with us? I'm pretty sure this all stems from some events that took place in the weeks after Billy passed away, where my own feelings felt challenged and disregarded. It could also stem from really wishing I could get a response from all the texts I've been sending. I miss seeing 'Love ya 2' come back to me after sending a text. I've stopped texting (as much) because the lack of response has been tough. I seriously keep checking my phone, expecting SOMETHING back. ANYTHING. That void is crippling. I know he's not there, but I want him to be. And perhaps it's because Thanksgiving is two days away, and I'm not sure I'm ready for the holidays to arrive because it will be 'different' this year. My heart is just not ready for any of it, and I don't know that it ever will be ready.

Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process. Perhaps these doubts that have crept in are all part of losing a part of our lives. Perhaps I need to stop replaying some of the events of the past 11 weeks. Perhaps. Being stuck in your own thoughts is tough to navigate out of. Today, my own head is my worst enemy. I know what's in my head and heart but uncertainty has become my demon today and it is bringing me down. 

I'm going to try to follow the quote image above....it's a wonderful twofold reminder for me and I have to do better at remembering. I try not to cry because the sun (son) is gone....I need to look to the stars and remember what a bright guiding star we have now. I find some comfort in that and in that comfort there is hope.

I know I'll rise above and will be ok as I work through all this. If you've taken the time to read this rambling post, THANK YOU. As I always say, it's so much easier to write my feelings than speak them.

On grief and loss

Right now, I'm wondering how anyone 'gets over' significant losses. I know time is supposed to ease pain, but I also know from experience, that is not always the case. The losses I suffered in the last 5 weeks are different to me than losing my grandmother almost 10 years ago. That loss took me 8 years to even remotely come to grips with. I truly lost myself when I lost her. I'm trying desperately to NOT let that happen to me again, but lately I feel myself faltering in so many ways. I feel I've lost my twinkle, my spark, my happy zest for life. And that scares me (but I guess it's a good thing I recognize that? Perhaps?).

I wake up each morning with a certain sense of dread. I know it’s not healthy, so spare me the advice on that, but it’s an accurate fact of my life over the last 5 weeks. I am truly thankful for everyone’s outreach and to my closest friends who have listened to me vent my heart aches....you will never know how much I truly appreciate that. I was told, by a very good friend, that “Maybe you're not supposed to be the same. Loss is inevitable. It's too soon to even begin to get through it. You haven't even had all the services yet. Even then it wont be the time. It needs to marinate. His life had meaning and it deserves to be mourned.” These words hold true for both the loss of Billy AND my grandma. This is a raw and unequivocal grief. And I am walking it alone, at my own pace with all the feelings and emotions that come with it. I still have my good moments and my not so good moments (this morning is the latter of the two) but I keep one prayer in my heart daily, and that is the prayer that I will, eventually, find my peace through all of this. My grief is my grief. 

Grief is both a universal and a personal experience....while everyone experiences loss in their lives, their loss is individual, as I was recently reminded by another dear friend of mine, who experienced a grief of his own not that long ago. Everyone experiences grief at some point in their lives, however, HOW you cope with it is your own, personal experience. Grief, for me, comes in waves and at times, I struggle to keep myself above the water. It knocks me down, tosses me around in the surf like a ragdoll, and just when I feel like I've got my footing about me and can escape it's pounding, it hits me again, and the cycle starts all over. At our teacher in-service on Monday, my supervisor went around the room, asking everyone 'How are you coping with daily stresses? What are YOU doing for YOU to keep you from slipping into the abyss?' I lost it. I sat and cried, unable to answer her question, because in all reality, I haven't been doing ANYTHING for me. I feel like my sole (soul's) purpose right now is to be whatever my husband needs me to be for him. In doing that, I've not truly allowed myself to fully grieve. I grieve in private (which I know is ok...but sometimes I need to be able to cry into someone's shoulder, too). I accept that I own my own grief. Only I truly understand where my grief comes from, how deep the loss hurts, how I am going to cope, and how to navigate the stages of grief, that I feel I have no control over. Sometimes, I just need to be able to grieve WITH someone instead of alone.

I just need everyone to be patient with me and know that just because I may smile and seem ok, I am far from it. Be strong FOR me because I certainly haven’t been very strong for myself.....

Not everything happens for a reason

I’ve had many trials in my 46 years on this earth. Life has not been perfect OR easy, this much I can attest to. One thing people constantly want to offer as support is, “everything happens for a reason” when trying to ‘comfort me’ over the many hardships life seemed to throw my way lately. This past month has been no exception. It seems to be the phrase that everyone uses in the hopes that what I've experienced was somehow for my benefit and it would make me a better person, or a stronger person, OR to just simply test my faith. Guess what, people? There isn’t solace in those words, that phrase, the assumption that everything that has happened in the past month happened ‘for a reason’, as if I ‘deserved’ what happened in some way or another. Nope. I’m not buying it and I’m done with that phrase. The loss of Billy is not a test. It is not a lesson to be learned. It is not a gift of some sort. IT IS A HUGE GUT-WRENCHING LOSS. AND IT F*CKING HURTS.

There are trials and tribulations in life that you can easily ‘get over’, this much IS true and I'll gladly concede to that, however, there are other experiences in life that are permanent. They have no ending. You are forever stuck in them and clearly aware there is no escape from the pain and heartache that they bring with them. The only thing I can hope right now, is that time will (hopefully) bring a softening of the pain and heartbreak that we are left to bear for the rest of our lives. It feels as if the world has thrown the fastest curve-ball and it has gone straight through the body and soul, leaving a gaping hole that can never be pieced back together. A massive wound is left and it can’t ever be fixed, no matter how hard you try. This is the best example of what it feels like to lose a child, and even though my loss was that of a stepson, it does not lessen the blow. It doesn’t make this any easier to work through. There is no “moving on” or “getting over it” or even a solid 'reason' for why this has happened. There is no end.

Losing a child hurts like hell and I won’t pretend it is anything but awful, agonizing, devastating, gut-wrenching and heart-shattering. It isn't something I would ever want someone else to have to experience. "Everything happens for a reason” does NOT apply here. I’m sorry, but there will never be a good enough reason that Billy was taken from us. There won’t ever be a good enough reason for the memories that should have been made to be gone. There won’t ever be a good enough reason for everyone else’s lives to still go on as day in day out normal, but yet Billy’s life devastatingly stopped after 34 short years.

I know when people say “remember, everything happens for a reason” it is meant to somehow help cope with the loss. I completely understand that it is said out of love and from a good place. I understand people are at a complete loss of what to say.  Sometimes it is better to just be there with a listening ear, soft shoulder, a simple 'thinking of you' text, and an understanding that life will NEVER be the same for us again.

I will do what I can to keep Billy’s memory alive, always. Please do the same……..

California reflections

I'm struggling to juggle two huge losses in such a short period of time and I feel like I'm swimming in deep grief for one and a more shallow grief for the other. My heart breaks at the loss of my grandmother, just yesterday morning, but at the same time, my heart was prepared for this for a while. That doesn't make the loss of my last living grandparent any easier, but it gives me more comfort than the loss of Billy just 20 days prior.

This was written on September 29, 2019 as we flew from LAX to Newark.....

The past 10 days have been the longest days of my life. I was saying that to Nanda this morning before we left their apartment. Normally when you ‘go away’ it seems like such a short trip. You get there and in the blink of an eye you are packing up, ready to leave. Not this time. This has been the longest 10 days of my life. Last Friday seems soooooooo far in the past. There was no blink of an eye here.

We are currently flying 37,000 feet somewhere over the US en route to our home in Pennsylvania. I’m listening to my ‘Billy Playlist’ and trying to collect all my thoughts about this trip to California. I thought I could use this time to recall, reflect, and release some of the emotions that seem to have me trapped like a hamster running on its wheel with no real end in sight, thoughts turning and turning in my head with no way to get them out. I know that’s not healthy and as my dearest best friend told me on Friday, I need to get out of my own head and listen to my heart. All I can think about is the trip as a whole; the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. And perhaps that is ok.

From the time we hit San Diego on September 20 until this morning (September 29), we’ve been on a roller coaster of high points and low points and some extremely low points. There are parts of the past 10 days that I’d love to forget in their entirety, and while that would be so nice, I know that without the extreme low points I’d lose sight of the bigger picture and I’m pretty sure that is a more important thing to keep focused on.

We’ve been running on adrenaline and emotion and, quite honestly, it’s been absolutely draining. Together, we’ve had to do things that no parent should have to ever do. Together, we attended 3 California celebrations for Billy. Three. San Diego. Fullerton. San Bernardino. Together, we went to the California Dept of Vital Statistics to obtain death certificates - true gut punch as they were handed to us. Together, we greeted friends and listened to stories of Billy. Together, we cried. Together, we laughed. Together. 99% of the past 10 days was spent, together. As one.

But there was also a dark side. One I won’t write about because that is something I need to process and while I don’t think I’ll ever completely release it, I will not let it consume me, because I know that is not a healthy way to live. I have to try to remain the positive person I aim to be each day. As I type this out, a song by Needtobreathe is playing. It’s a song that I posted to Bill soon after Billy passed away. Forever on your side. It’s the reminder I need that regardless of the worst experience and absolute darkest place I had gone to this week due to some circumstances, I am forever on his side. And I will always be. I don’t know what’s around the bend, all I know is that my love, it knows no end.....

Music has always been a source of comfort and peace for me. I created this Billy Playlist of songs since his passing on September 10. I’ve also added songs to it that friends have shared with me, to help me cope with his death and everything that has come from it. As I listen to it, I smile and at the same time I feel the tears that have been bottled up, ready to fall from the corner of my eyes. And I think that’s ok.

I truly believe Billy placed people in my path during this difficult time so that I never was truly alone, even when I felt it. Jenny, Mike, Cam, Hallie, Big Steve, and even Joe and Nanda, even though I’d known Joe for about 12 years. Prior to California, there’s Nadya, in the OBX. All people who have been physically there for me but who, prior to Billy’s death, had only been names in stories or videos (except Joe and Nanda - they are family). The connections made with each of these individuals is something I will forever treasure and be thankful for.

I’m not sure if this will ever see the light of day or if I’ll keep it just for me to look back on, but an hour plus worth of writing and many songs later, my black hole of emotions doesn’t feel so dark anymore. And I know that’s a good thing.

As I look out the window at the vast expanse beyond the airplane window, I picture Billy in the clouds, grinning that Billy grin, and happy that I’m doing what I can to be whatever his dad needs right now and in the moments to come. I will miss my texts and reassurance when I needed medical advice or explanations. I will miss the joking about football. I will miss jah jah pizzas. I will miss his voice. I will miss his hugs. I will simply miss him.

I miss you, Kid. So very much.

College already? It can't possibly be that time!

As I sit here in the quiet of the morning, listening to the birds chirping outside, I can't help but start to get a bit weepy at the prospect of what will be happening in my life in just a little over 30 days. College. The big move in day.


I remember, well, the day my Babygirl was born. I remember her first days of pre-school, elementary school, junior high school, and high school. When did the time slip so far from my grasp? It seems like it was just yesterday we were stressing over high school sports and classes and now....I seem to be the only one stressing over what comes next.


Babygirl, as you head off to college, I want you to remember some important things......


1. This is NOT high school.  This is not a free education. Ultimately, there is a hefty price to pay to attend college. No one will be making sure you are up for your classes (unless you have an awesome roommate!), making sure you are studying enough, making sure projects and presentations are done, it is all up to you now. YOU are expected to take responsibility for what you do and don't do and in the end, are responsible for the consequences of your choices.


2. Put yourself out there. While I know you have your goals and priorities all well established, please remember that you CAN get involved. Get to know people. Not everyone is like your high school classmates. People CHOOSE college and so they want to be there, too. Join those clubs that may sound corny, pledge a sorority, take a class just for the fun of it, challenge yourself to try new things! True college life will happen outside room 213!!!


3. Organization will be key to your success. Keep a planner or a detailed calendar of classes and due dates!!! Make sure as you organize your time, you leave room for the fun stuff. Schedule library time, where it is just you and the books! Become good at list making. Prioritize assignments and activities. I won't be there to give you the reminders I always did (even though you were well ahead of schedule in most of your due dates!). Take advantage of all the things that college has to offer.


4. Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  I know throughout your school years, you've often been in your sister's shadow, feeling like people would tell you what she did or didn't do. As you enter college, remember YOU are YOU. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Stay true to YOU. Your way of studying may be way different than your roommate and that is OK! She may be better at one class than you are and that is OK! When you graduate, YOUR name is on that diploma! Work hard to make YOU proud of YOU, because I already am!!


5. Please make an effort to keep in touch. Believe it or not (and I know you will believe this), you being away at college will be harder on me than it will be on you. Oh I know you may get homesick and want to come home (maybe....maybe not), but being here in this house without you day in and day out will be the toughest experience of my life. Not having you to talk to at the end of the day will most certainly break me a bit. You were my rock when your sister went away to college, making that transition a bit easier for me. This time it is just me. PLEASE make an effort to keep in touch. I will do my best to not be calling you every day, no matter how strong the urge, but it won't mean I don't want to talk to you! Phone calls, FaceTime, emails, SnapChats! I'm up for it all.


This will be a getting used to for all of us. Me, You, Bill, Grandma, Pappy. All of us will go through this weird stage for a little while. As you prepare for college, please remember that "My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish."


Best of luck, my Babygirl. I love you more than words could ever express. Rock on.


Until next time......

Nobody puts Baby in a corner....

Dear Readers,

I sat in my living room yesterday afternoon, totally consumed by abcFamily. “Why?” you ask??? Dirty Dancing was on TV!!!! I’ve always LOVED this movie (I mean, c’mon people, how could you NOT love watching Patrick Swayze shaking his hips?!?) and I seem to get drawn in every time it is on TV. I remember the hype the summer this movie came out in the theaters. 1987. I was 14 years old.

The first time I ever remember seeing Patrick Swayze was in The Outsiders (which also happens to be one of my favorite books!!!). I instantly swooned over this bigger than life bad boy!!! Holy moly was I attracted to him, as only a teenaged girl could be. He definitely was a celebrity crush! And then, well, then Dirty Dancing came around and pretty much solidified my love for Patrick Swayze. Yes, I was crazy for Swayze. Patrick Swayze always seemed to play such romantic characters, and he could play them well!! As a hopeless romantic, the story of he and Baby resonated within me. Watching Johnny teach Baby to dance, taking her up in his muscular arms....well, it did something to me. It made me want to go to a place like Kellerman’s and find my own Johnny Castle. I often wondered if it really did exist: a place like Kellerman’s AND a guy like Johnny Castle. I watched and I knew right there and then I wanted some guy to hold me like that and dance with me like that and more importantly, LOVE me like that.

Hearing Baby speak one of her most famous lines, “Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.”, I felt like she understood me. And as my life unfolded and my 14 year old self grew up, each time I watched Dirty Dancing (yesterday included) those words scream at me.

I’ve come to realize that when you love someone you have to take the risk of getting hurt. Without risk there is no reward. I also learned that relationships are not perfect and sometimes together you can overcome what seems like insurmountable challenges. I had a pretty crappy first marriage. I wasn’t treated like Baby, but rather I was almost treated as a baby. I wasn’t made to feel like I was an important part of his life, but rather that I needed him in order to go through each day. It wasn't love, it became dependency. I took a risk when I met my current husband. We both weren’t in positions to be able to just be together. However, I knew that I wasn’t willing to just walk away because I knew I would NEVER feel the rest of my whole life the way I felt when I was around him. I finally had my Johnny Castle and I was not about to let him go.

While movies like Dirty Dancing are created purely for entertainment (and money making) purposes, they also have some pretty hefty messages within them that we can carry forward into our own lives. It is when we take the time to watch, REALLY watch, that we can understand. And perhaps each time we watch, something new will pop up. Take some time to enjoy the movies.

Until next time, my friends……Nobody puts Baby in a corner!

Think Thankfully

Happy Easter!!!

@Casting Crowns 

Happy Easter from Think Thankfully! I’ve taken a bit of a break from writing as the Easter holiday approached. In renewing my faith, I’ve really started to take a lot into consideration as secular holidays come around. While all the children excitedly awaited the arrival of the Easter Bunny, hitting up local egg hunts, searching for the best spot to capture their picture with the Bunny, hoping for lots of candy, chocolates, and presents, I was excitedly awaiting the resurrection of my Lord and Savior.

I know I have always said I would not make this a religiously set blog, however, I have come to realize in my little absence from writing, that much of the cause of my thankfulness is because of my faith.  This morning, as I walked the .75 miles from my home to the cemetery on the hill for the annual 6am Easter Sunrise (Dawn) Service, things became extremely clear to me in this journey I am on.

Let me backtrack a little bit. As you may remember, I spent a few years of my life away from the church. I had a very bad experience with a previous minister and simply felt the foundation of my faith crumble under my feet. Much like Christ on the cross, I felt forsaken by the One I never thought (and was taught) would never do such a thing. I spent time wandering through this life wondering just what I believed.

I found my way back to my church with the arrival of a new minister, Pastor Denton Kees. It took me a little bit, but that man of the cloth, in his own gentle way, helped me find my way back to the fold. I started attending church more regularly and this past January, I was elected to serve on our Church Council (which I am enjoying so far……).

As Easter approached, I spent a lot of time in reflection. I attended Maundy Thursday Services, where I heard a remarkable message from Pastor Gail Kees (Pastor Denton’s wonderful wife). The tone was set for the next three days for me. As Good Friday arrived, I followed my annual tradition of starting my day watching The Passion of the Christ. This year, it hit home much more than it ever has. I still weep at the suffering Jesus Christ endured for ME. My frame of mind and the innermost feelings in my heart were put in the right spot for the waiting….the anxious anticipation of Christ’s Resurrection.

Last night, I set my alarm for 5:15am. I was going to attend the 6am Easter Sunrise Service on the cemetery. It was a tradition I always enjoyed as a youngster. I would be the only one in my family who would wake up, get ready, and trudge across the yard to catch a ride with my neighbors, Ruthie and Merritt. As I got older, it became a yearly tradition to meet my friend, Paul, in front of the church and together we’d walk up the hill to the service. A few times as I grew up, I attended the services, but it has been a few years since I felt it important to wake up and go. Until this year…..

The alarm sounded and I got up without hesitation, threw on my sweats and a baseball hat. I had hoped that my 16 year old daughter would join me, and I know she set her alarm and did wake up, but I believe she fell back to sleep. It was a little pinch of disappointment, but I understand. She’s not quite there yet in her faith journey. I left my house at 5:40 to start walking. Now, .75 miles doesn’t seem like a lot, however, it is quite the hill to climb. It’s not an easy grade to trek up, especially as you get older. At one point, about halfway up the hill, I began to rethink my option. It would be so much easier to just turn around and walk back home. I was short on breath, it was chilly, and I had a little bit of a climb yet. And then, it all came together and my mind swirled with images of Christ carrying His cross up the hill to Golgotha, already beaten down, spit on, ridiculed, and yet He carried that cross up a hill knowing what was going to happen once He reached the top. If He could do it, meeting a far more terrible fate than I would at the top, I, too, can make it. And so I trudged on.

I made it. I arrived at the top in time to be asked to be a reader. What an honor. To many, it wouldn’t seem like much, but to me, to be asked to read at the Resurrection service of my Lord, my Savior was a true honor for me. We celebrated through song, prayer, scripture, sermon, and praise for our Risen Lord. I watched the beautiful sunrise come through the trees on the far edge of the cemetery and I smiled, knowing my Redeemer lives!

The whole walk home, I kept humming the Casting Crowns song, Oh Glorious Day! I am so thankful to have been led back. I am so thankful that, while there are baskets filled on my table for my family, I was raised to know and understand the true meaning of Easter. I am thankful that through my own reflections, I will walk into church this morning, praising the fact that Christ is Risen, and not just saying it, but believing it with my whole heart.

"Glorious Day (Living He Loved Me)"

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises

One day when sin was as black as could be

Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin

Dwelt among men, my example is He

Word became flesh and the light shined among us

His glory revealed

[Chorus:]

Living, He loved me

Dying, He saved me

Buried, He carried my sins far away

Rising, He justified freely forever

One day He's coming

Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain

One day they nailed Him to die on a tree

Suffering anguish, despised and rejected

Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He

Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree

And took the nails for me

[Chorus]

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer

One day the stone rolled away from the door

Then He arose, over death He had conquered

Now He's ascended, my Lord evermore

Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him

From rising again

[Chorus]

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming

One day the skies with His glories will shine

Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing

My Savior, Jesus, is mine

[Chorus]

Glorious day, Oh, Glorious day

Christ is risen, my friends…..He is risen, indeed. Until tomorrow……Happy Easter

Think Thankfully

Live like ELLA ♥

I cannot think of a better blog entry today, my birthday blog, than to honor the life of my little Cancer Warrior Princess Angel, who is celebrating her first angelversary today. Last year, I can remember sitting in my classroom, celebrating the big 4-0 with my students and getting a text message that would put my celebrations into a tailspin. I received word that my little CWP had lost her battle with cancer and was now an angel. I was heartbroken, yet so very happy, all at the same time. My little friend whom I had never actually met, Ella Grace, was now an angel.

Truth be told, that little girl was an angel here on earth. I’ve blogged about her before, but today, February 11, I choose to blog about her again, because she deserves to be remembered today and forever! It is not our job to even try to begin to explain why some things in life happen. I wish I knew why a little 4 year old girl was taken from us. I wish I knew why that blasted C word won that battle. I wish I could explain the reason for all the nonsense. Any time you hear of a child losing their battle with a horrible disease, a whole host of emotions enters your world. We seem to feel angry, sad. We begin to question God and why he allows little ones to suffer. But Ella, well, that little girl taught a lot of people a lot about living. Ella never complained, always wore she smile (probably because it was the best accessory for her tutu and flowery headbands), and inspired people to be the best they could possibly be. I'm pretty sure that little girl went through what she did in order to teach us all a lesson about living, loving, and accepting our fate, come what may. I had the distinct pleasure of doing the Warrior Dash two years ago as Ella’s Warrior, raising a ton of funds for St. Jude’s, all in the name of Ella Grace Luchansky. It became a yearly tradition for me and my daughters, as each year we WARRIOR ON in Ella’s name!

When I look back at the life my little Cancer Warrior Princess Angel Ella Grace lived, I cannot help but be thankful for the gift of that little girl in my life. Without ever meeting her, she has inspired me to be a better person. She loved her tutus, headbands, purple, and glitter. She giggled and smiled and always thought of others. She truly LIVED her life. So many of us go through the motions of day to day living, completely overlooking the things that are truly important in life. Ella Grace lived her little life to love others, regardless of the battles she faced each and every day.

As I head out to work today, wearing my purple sweater (because purple is my favorite color, too), my Live Like Ella shirt underneath, and my purple converse, I am encouraging each and every one of you to go out and LIVE LIKE ELLA today and every day. Honor the life of a special little girl.

Until tomorrow, my friends……

Think Thankfully

Sorry, I've been MIA, but I'm back! Did ya miss me?!?!?!

Hey there! Did you miss me? Sorry I've been MIA and I sincerely apologize for the big delay in blog postings. I've been a combination of busy AND had a bit of a lack of motivation. I warned you that the beginning of the month of February was a rough time for me. I've spent a lot of time this past week (or so) simply thinking. Thankfully, I did not allow myself to drown in self pity, sadness, or wallow in grief, but I did take some time to really think.

Last Sunday was a very emotional day for me. It marked 4 years since my grandma passed away. It is always a very tough time for me, as I was always a grandma's girl. No secret there. My grandma was my world. I know I post a lot about her and you have heard it a million times. It really is no secret. Losing her felt like losing a huge chunk of my heart. I was pretty sure I would NEVER get over it. But I have. Now, in saying that, I do not mean that I am over the fact that I no longer have my grandma in the physical here and now, but I am over the deep sadness and loss I have felt for 4 long years.

There are a few truths I am able to accept with regards to losing my grandma. First of all, my grandma is where she wanted to be since April of 2007. She is at home and with my grandfather. Second, she wants me to be happy. And third, she will NEVER leave me. It has taken me quite some time and a lot of thinking (plus a few 'visits' with the help of my wonderful friend who is a spiritual medium) for me to realize that my hurt and grief are all so selfish of me.

So, as I sit here tonight, I can honestly say that I am no longer angry and bitter at losing my grandma. Not even one little bit. I'm thankful I have her with me all the time, watching and guiding me. I'm thankful I can still 'talk' to her and that she hears me. I'm thankful that I have a 'connection' to her and when I most need her, she makes herself known. I'm thankful that I've been shown the 'light' and have come to accept this. AND, I am also thankful I do not have to drink another Moxie (unless I really want to!!!).

I guess it is safe to say, I'm back! Did ya miss me???

Think Thankfully!

Prayers and remembering

Today's blog is going to be short and sweet. I am asking that the Think Thankfully Nation please keep my little brother, Travis, in your thoughts and prayers over the next 6 months as he deployed this morning for his 5th tour in the Middle East.

I'm truly at a loss for words this week, as it is my least favorite week of the year, and add to it the deployment of my little brother, I just feel like nothing I have to say will be worth much. With that being said, I am extremely proud of my brother's selfless sacrifice and his dedicated service to our great nation, The United States of America.

I am also asking you to remember the lives of the astronauts on the Space Shuttle Challenger, as today marks the 28th anniversary of the explosion just 73 seconds after lift off, killing all 7 on board, including one of my heroes, Sharon Christa McAuliffe, the first teacher in space. I remember sitting in my 7th grade Science class, watching. My teacher, Mr Eckhart had applied for the Teacher in Space program. We knew all about it and I was intrigued. At the moment of explosion, I can remember thinking, "Oh my...all the students that are watching this." and at that moment, I knew I wanted to inspire people the way Christa McAuliffe had inspired me. "I touch the future, I teach."

"They slipped the surly bonds of earth

To touch the face of God."

President Reagan January 28, 1986

Until tomorrow, my friends.....cherish those you love and never waste a minute on holding on to anger. Love deeply, always.

Think Thankfully