One day at a time

First of all, happy 8 years to my Think Thankfully mindset. It was 8 years ago today that my nightly thankful posts began. So, happy 8 years of nightly posts expressing gratitude, even when it was hard to do so............ 

......and that quickly focus shifts to blog posts because writing is my only outlet right now. There are too many things swirling around inside my head (and my heart) and I feel like sometimes the only way to help get them out is to write, write, write. I don't always share my true feelings with people. I tend to keep things inside and just 'deal' with them on my own. I have moments where I can smile and laugh, and then in a quick second, I could just sit and cry.

If there is anything I've learned in the last 3 weeks, it is that major losses are extremely overwhelming. Experiencing two pretty significant losses in a span of 20 days has taken its toll on me. I am struggling terribly, but I am pretty sure it is just deep grief and not a depression. I put on a happy face, but it does not mirror what I'm feeling on the inside. I am struggling. I am struggling to make sense of things, to figure out how to grieve two people in two very different manners, to see a light at the end of the tunnel, to see a brighter future. Life has taken on a 'one day at a time' kind of mantra. Today is one of those days where I do not feel like being at work, I do not feel like being around people, and I do not feel like smiling. I'd much rather be at home, snuggled with my little dog, and letting the world go by with no expectations from me. That's the truth of my life right now.

So many people have told me that I am such a strong person. I can handle this because I am strong. Let me tell you, that is farthest from the truth right now. I do not feel strong. I do not feel like I 'can handle' this. It is hard for me to talk to people about this because, unless you've experienced a loss like this, (you know, two significant losses in a matter of three weeks time), you cannot even begin to imagine. Losing one has been heart shattering. Losing the other compounded the grief and intensified the feelings. Losing both has been a bit too much for me to handle. And I am ok admitting that. I'm not strong. I'm human. I'm trying to deal the best way I know how.

My husband amazes me with his ability to wake up every morning and tackle his days with, what appears to be, minimal darkness. He is the epitome of strength and reassurance. I'm truly in awe of him each and every day. That is not to say he isn't grieving. I know he is. I know this is a hurt that he will take with him every day of the rest of his life. I know my husband will not be whole again until he sees Billy again. I also know that my husband grieves for my grandmother, too. They had a special bond, the two of them. Up until the end of her life, she still made sure he knew that HE was going to get the 'red envelope' from her forever. But the grief we share for my grandmother's passing is so different that the intense sadness felt over Billy's passing. My grandmother lived almost 91 very full years. She had a long life, filled with many ups and downs, but one thing for sure, she was the best role model of what a strong woman looks like. Billy lived for 34 short years. He had so much life ahead of him. And in moments when I think abut this, it just doesn't seem fair. But life is the farthest thing from fair.

I was reminded that it is OK to take life one day at a time right now, considering what I've been dealt with the past three weeks. I was reminded that my light will shine through again, in time. I was reminded to be patient with myself. And I am trying.....it's just very hard.

One day at a time.......

A day in the life....Room 101.

I am a firm believer of this. Sometimes it's hard, I know! For me, this morning was one of those mornings I wasn't so sure my day would go as swimmingly as I had hoped it would. I knew I'd be down a staff member in my room today and I wasn't sure who (or even IF) I'd have a sub in her place. That is a great big stressor of mine. Can two of us handle the room on our own, ABSOLUTELY. Is it easier with three.....ABSOLUTELY! After dropping my daughter off at the high school today, my ride to work consisted of The Message Sirius station (channel 63 for those who care). As I pulled out onto Route 209, the Casting Crowns song Voice of Truth came on and I immediately let go.....and figured I'd better just let God. The voice of truth says 'DO NOT BE AFRAID.'

As I said to my parents' in their daily note home, I cannot even begin express what kind of day I had. I feel like words won't even do it justice! Perhaps I should give you a glimpse into what my classroom is made up of. I teach in an elementary emotional support classroom that is run by a local Intermediate Unit. My class is currently made up of 2 Kindergarteners, 4 1st graders, 2 2nd graders, and 4 3rd graders. Of those numbers, I have five different academic groupings within the 12 students. An emotional support classroom is exactly as it sounds. My students (most of them) deal with significant social, emotional, and behavioral disabilities that impact their learning in a regular education setting. We deal with behaviors.....lots of them. It's a challenging job, but one I truly love, despite sometimes feeling like a failure at it. My wee ones are a unique bunch because they are soooooooooooooo different. All 12 of them. YET.....they are all so similar! When you remove their disabilities, they are all wee ones. They are not, in my eyes, defined by their disabilities. They are defined as being the most amazing bunch of wee ones. And today.....they deserve a blog posting.

So, my class is driven by structure and schedule. Our day is built around it. My wee ones depend on it. When the schedule is out of whack, so are they. Understandably so. I feel like the past two weeks have been out of whack for us, yet they handled themselves amazingly well. We've had to deal with PSSA State Testing and a 2 hour delay and changes in group times and me being out the classroom for meetings. It's put a real damper on what they know as being structured and on schedule. Knowing that our day was, once again going to be turned all topsy turvy due to our classroom constant, Ms Bonnie, being out, we had to change up our group schedule again because of an assembly at the end of the day. It was decided that we'd focus this morning on our Science project, knowing deep down that this could spell sudden disaster for us.

We are working on a multi stage project. My class created their own dinosaurs. From the design, they brought those dinosaurs to 3D with air dry clay. Seeing as they didn't follow directions all too well, their dinosaurs were starting to fall apart at the seams. I worried that when we added paint to that clay, it would be the end of the dinosaurs, much like that big bang theory stuff. I prompted the wee ones, telling them that we would, indeed paint our projects BUT.....I was not going to listen to any complaining or whining if their projects fell apart. I explained that sometimes our best set plans fall apart and we just have to roll with it.

With the group tables covered in newspapers, we had the students sit around the table. We handed out the clay projects. We started to take paint requests. And then the magic seemed to happen! Words of encouragement to one another, pleases and thank yous started flowing as paint was shared, giggles and hard work, and NOT ONE COMPLAINT! NOT ONE MENTION OF FRUSTRATION! My wee ones worked for over an hour creating some of the most beautifully painted dinosaurs I have EVER seen! There was not one drop of paint spilled on the table, not one drop of paint spilled on the floor, not one unkind word uttered. If you didn't know what kind of classroom I had, you would NEVER have known it walking into my room today. I spent a lot of time washing out paint brushes, paint cups, and just hanging back by the classroom sink smiling. My heart brimming with pride at what I was witnessing among a group of wee ones who many times, have trouble playing together nicely. It was the first in a series of events today that warmed my heart beyond compare.

As they finished up their painting, they headed back to their seats, found something quietly to work on while the others finished, and waited patiently for our "Wilbur time". I've been reading Charlotte's Web to them in our down time. I've never seen students so engaged in listening to a story. They want every juicy detail...they know the characters by name, can quote them, and learned a little bit of Latin, too. Magnum Opus....great work. The wee ones in Room 101 are my magnum opus. They are my great work.

And then.....the finale of our day today was our attendance at a Raising the House Pie in the Face assembly. I had the distinct pleasure of being 'pied' in the face by two students who earned the privilege of being the pie chuckers by winning a bit of a classroom challenge. To see my wee ones, laughing and cheering, enjoying the moment of seeing their teacher with a completely whipped cream face....well, it was just overwhelming to me. I'm not going to lie. I had tears in my eyes (I blamed the whipped cream that dripped in there, but honestly, I was overwhelmed). Sure, we ended the day with some behaviors to note, but that's all in a day in Room 101.

At the beginning of this year, I wasn't so sure I was cut out to be the elementary emotional support teacher. I spent so much time at the high school level that I was pretty sure this move would kill me. While I am still not 100% sure that THIS is where I belong, I can say that when I see the behavioral growth in these wee ones, when they are using words rather than fists, when they slouch in their chairs because they are mad and are NOT flipping desks, when they smile and say, 'You are the best'....well, then I can't seem to feel lost on this journey anymore. And when my one wee one, who came to me pretty much non-verbal gives me a smile, a hug, and an "I love you", well....I guess I'm doing ok. And when I am hugged by nearly each wee one on their way out the door to their buses at the end of the day, my heart is warmed and I am thankful I am where I am.

Until tomorrow, my friends.....

Think Thankfully!

Prayers and remembering

Today's blog is going to be short and sweet. I am asking that the Think Thankfully Nation please keep my little brother, Travis, in your thoughts and prayers over the next 6 months as he deployed this morning for his 5th tour in the Middle East.

I'm truly at a loss for words this week, as it is my least favorite week of the year, and add to it the deployment of my little brother, I just feel like nothing I have to say will be worth much. With that being said, I am extremely proud of my brother's selfless sacrifice and his dedicated service to our great nation, The United States of America.

I am also asking you to remember the lives of the astronauts on the Space Shuttle Challenger, as today marks the 28th anniversary of the explosion just 73 seconds after lift off, killing all 7 on board, including one of my heroes, Sharon Christa McAuliffe, the first teacher in space. I remember sitting in my 7th grade Science class, watching. My teacher, Mr Eckhart had applied for the Teacher in Space program. We knew all about it and I was intrigued. At the moment of explosion, I can remember thinking, "Oh my...all the students that are watching this." and at that moment, I knew I wanted to inspire people the way Christa McAuliffe had inspired me. "I touch the future, I teach."

"They slipped the surly bonds of earth

To touch the face of God."

President Reagan January 28, 1986

Until tomorrow, my friends.....cherish those you love and never waste a minute on holding on to anger. Love deeply, always.

Think Thankfully

Memories, light the corners of my mind

This time of year is normally very rough for me. From today through my birthday, I find myself drifting towards a darkness I really despise. My heart becomes heavier and I long to go back in time. 

Five years ago today, we said goodbye to my Pappy. His passing was quite unexpected and came on the heels of losing my other grandfather, almost two years prior. My Pappy was a one of a kind guy, the kind of guy who would give you the shirt off his back, the most encouraging word, and always left you feeling like you were the most important person in his world. 

I was fortunate to have such an amazing man to call my Pappy Wip. He was known by almost everyone: the oil man (he worked for a local oil company), Wipper, Wip. Known for his fingerless salute (he lost two fingers in a press accident when he was younger), my Pappy always threw those fingers in the air as a sign of irritation, hello, or just to make his presence known. He surely was one of a kind. 

My Pappy didn't have to be my pappy. He came into my mother's life as a father figure when my mother and her sisters were just young girls. He loved my grandma through good times and bad and the year my mom married my dad, my grandma and pap got married, too! He was never a step anything, which is probably why I dislike the term step in my own family. 

My Pappy supported all our sports, all of our endeavors, everything we did. Everyone should be so fortunate to have a grandfather like Wip Kleintop was!!!

Today, as I walked into the Catasauqua High School gym to watch the Bomber Boys Basketball team, I felt the spirit of Wip Kleintop screaming at me. I knew that I had to write. So here I sit, in the bleachers while everyone else is watching a good JV game end, writing. 

To you, my sweet grandfather....5 years of missing you. I two fingerless salute you!!! And I'll have a 7&7 in your honor later!

Until tomorrow, my friends....

Think Thankfully!