Monday Musings

 

The thoughts that are rambling through my mind this Monday: 

Monday Musings

This morning was truly a Monday in the most Mondayest sense of the word! My hair just didn't end up the way I wanted them to, I forgot my tea in the garage after I set it down to put my school bag in my car, I realized I left my garage door open all weekend (after putting my car in it on Saturday), and my mind just feels like it is in a fog today. I'm attributing that to the fact that I started a new medication last week and yesterday was the first day of taking it twice a day. I was warned that this could be an effect of the meds until my body adjusts. It's not terrible, it's just different for me.

All that aside, I've decided to start working this blog again. I'm going to attempt to write more! I miss it. Writing has always been something I've enjoyed doing. It's always been easier to put my words down on paper (or a screen) rather than speak them. I guess I always thought that if I write what I'm thinking or feeling, I can hand those words off and walk away, not having to deal with the fallout, whatever it may be. If I say them to someone, I'm right there to read their faces or have to deal with whatever they do/say after hearing me. I don't like confrontation. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like being in uncomfortable situations. A lot of time, speaking to people leads to those uncomfortable situations. Writing. That's the ticket for me.

My dream (since I was in high school many moons ago), has been to write a novel. I was in a creative writing class in high school and I penned a wonderful teenage novella. I worked so hard on it, ON A TYPEWRITER, many evenings at my grandmother's house. It was such a good story! BUT.....there was a fire at my parents' house and it got tossed in the clean up. I remember the title, The Brightest Star. I was so proud of that little novella. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Perhaps that is the nudge I need in order to start penning something again.

In addition to some other medical diagnoses I've recently been given (nothing too Earth shattering), I diagnosed myself with atychiphobia - the fear of failure. I think this is why I never see any writing through to completion. I fear no one will read it. I fear no one will like it. I fear failure. I do know that failure propels you to success. So, that being said, I'm going to start small - blogging again - and then I will start framing out the ideas I have for a novel. Or maybe a children's book! Or....who knows!!! I just know I really want to write.

Mondays are a good day to refocus and set our intentions for the week, for a specific thing, for anything!!! Today, I'm setting my intention to get back in the writing game.

Until next time.....

On Thankgsiving and Thankfulness

It's that time of year again! We are well into the month of THANKS, the month where we start seeing the thankful posts of our friends, popping up everywhere on social media. It truly warms my heart when I read other people's thankful posts and I imagine that's what happens when they read mine (assuming they actually read what I have to say each night). What saddens me, is that once December 1 rolls around, the posts stop. If there is anything I've learned throughout my own thankful journey, is that the idea of being thankful should NOT be isolated to just one day (Thanksgiving) or one month (November) each year, but rather, it should be celebrated EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The older I get, the more I stand behind this idea. Mother's Day: why not celebrate your mom EVERY SINGLE DAY? Father's Day: ditto! Honor them EVERY SINGLE DAY! Valentine's Day: my goodness, shower those you love EVERY SINGLE DAY with acts of love and kindness! 

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday (followed extremely closely by Christmas) since I was a little girl. I remember waking up on Thanksgiving morning to the smell of dinner being prepared by my mom. The smell of turkey wafting through the house, mom's mouthwatering orange juice sweet potatoes, the rich aroma of green bean casserole......just thinking about it takes me right back to being a child at 405 White Street!!! I remember getting excited for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, especially the Snoopy balloon AND of course, Santa at the end!!! I remember waiting patiently for my grandparents to come to our house for the meal (and my Grandma Marilyn bringing the delicious filling and Grandma LaRue bringing the pies and pumpkin rolls!!!). Family all around the table together....giving thanks and feeling extremely blessed!

This year, Thanksgiving will be a bit different. Grandma LaRue won't be at the Thanksgiving table. There will be no GOBBLE til ya WOBBLE texts from Billy. It will be a bit different BUT one thing is for certain, we will still give thanks for all we do have and for the time we had with those we loved. I'm using Thanksgiving as a holiday of refocus this year. While we suffered some losses, we truly still have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving has always been, and will always remain, my favorite holiday. This year, I am putting out this challenge to anyone who reads this blog posting......let Thanksgiving be more than just one day. Keep your gratitude list going in the days, weeks, months, and even year ahead. By focusing on what you are thankful for, you will find even more blessings coming your way. Trust me! Expressing heartfelt gratitude each day, is one of life's greatest joys! I find myself smiling as I finish my nightly thankful posts, just being overjoyed at the blessings I have in my life, even when, at times, it doesn't feel as though I have much to be thankful for! Gratitude is the true heart of Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Ok? Not ok. And that's ok.

It has been a rough two months in my life. Very rough. I’m still struggling with a lot of feelings and I am struggling to get myself back, even minimally, to a point of being a self-confident, happy-go-lucky, super thankful me. Lately, it seems like one thing goes wrong after another. I just told a friend of mine that I feel like I’ve been repeatedly kicked in the teeth, but I am expected to smile as if it doesn’t hurt.

Lately, I’ve been stressing out, worrying and not knowing what to do about situations that are not in my control. There have also been days where I wake up and have nothing. No motivation, no desire to do anything, and when I wake up with those feelings, then all of a sudden, BOOM: self-doubt creeps in. She creeps in with her friends self-conscious and worry. The three of them are able to take me down in one fell swoop. One thought. One idea. And then the rest of my day is 'one of those days'.

I know that part of my problem is that I believe I have to be strong all the time. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for the last two months. I feel as though I have to be strong because that’s what people always say to me. ‘You are one of the strongest women I know.’ It saddens me that people see that in me, but fail to see that even the strongest of people hurt from time to time. Right now, the hurt is winning and it is grief on so many levels that cause the hurt. I miss the life we had on September 9, 2019. I miss Billy, my grandma, the lack of self-doubt (that took me YEARS to overcome), I miss life the way it was and I am guessing things will NEVER go back to the way they were on September 9 and before. What I do know, is that admitting that I’m not doing too well with our new normal, isn’t easy, especially because my career is in working with students who are emotionally and behaviorally challenged, many who have mental health issues as well. I work in a mental health related field. And then here I am, being the one who is not ok. I am not ok. I know I need to reach out and talk through my feelings, but at the same time, in my own head, those feelings are not valid and I’m wrong for feeling like this. It’s been a double edged sword for me.

This school year has been especially hard for me. I find myself struggling to embrace the students who need me the most, because I truly am struggling to accept their lack of effort, their lack of care, their lack of ambition. It just doesn’t seem fair to me right now. No matter how I try to twist the facts here, to make it more acceptable to me, I can’t. Day in and day out, I’m dealing with students who just don’t care. I used to think that if I cared enough for both of us, their attitudes would change and they’d see the importance of school, education. This year, I can’t bring myself to care and I hate that about myself right now. I go to work and go through the motions and it shows.

I’ve been extremely thankful for my ‘people’, those who have been there for me to cry to, vent to, scream at, and have just ‘been there’. They haven’t told me things will be fine. They haven’t told me that I need to get over it. They haven’t tried to talk me out of my feelings. They’ve accepted how I feel, listened to WHY I feel the way I do, and are simply there to be there. That’s what I’ve needed through all this. True friendship and sisterhood. I know it’s ok to not be ok, and they know it too. They know that things WILL be ok, eventually, but in my world, things are not ok right now and so they embrace that and help me through that. They never stop believing in me, checking in on me, and not expecting some fake answer when they ask, “How are you today?”

Because my answer is that I’m not really ok, and that’s ok. And I guess I will just keep reminding myself of that and being thankful for my people who will be ok with that answer because they know........

To my husband

To my main squeeze, my Honey Man, the absolute love of my life,

There are a million and one ways I could start this blog, but I think the best way to begin would be to say thank you.

Thank you for choosing me, always. Even when it was difficult for you to do so, you never stopped choosing me or loving me, ever. You are an incredible human being, and I am so incredibly thankful that I was blessed enough to be yours. First loves are fun and fresh, but to be someone's end of the road love, that's something even more incredible. I am so thankful to be your end of the road and I am even more thankful that you are mine. You've shown me love like I've never known before and will never experience again in this lifetime.

Thank you for marrying me. I've said it many times before, but being married to you has changed me for the better. YOU have changed me for the better. Our marriage has proven to be a beautiful union, a true partnership. We are one. Marriage takes two people working together through the easy times as well as the difficulties, leaning on one another through the bad and celebrating with one another through all the good. We've had our share of both. I'm thankful to have been right aside of you through all our ups and downs.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Never let there be any doubt on how much I love you. Through the trials and obstacles, you have loved me through them all. You are my calm in the storm, my rainbow after the rain, my rock when the world is crumbling, my smile when I want to frown. You are not just my best friend, but my everything.

Thank you for never getting tired of hearing me tell you how much I love you. I sometimes feel as though I don't tell you enough (even though I tell you numerous times a day) just how much you mean to me. I would move heaven and earth for you if I could. You truly are my world. I love you more than you could even imagine.....For Now, Forever, For Always!!!!!

Thank you for loving my girls as your own. Your incredible influence in their lives has been such a gift to us. You stepped in when you really didn't have to and have been the best example of what a dad should be. They are better people because of your example, your influence, your love.

Thank you for not giving up on things when life handed us the worst situation in the world to deal with. Thank you for remaining strong in the face of heartbreak. Thank you for wanting me by your side. Thank you for hearing me, understanding me, and allowing me to grieve right along side of you and for never dismissing my hurt. Thank you for keeping me right by your side.

Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for never giving up on me, and for everything in between. We are one. 

In 9 year's time

Today would have been my grandma's birthday. Today, it is 9 birthdays we've had without her. Today, I miss her a little more. It's been a long 9 years for me, but at some times, it feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. 9 years. In 9 year's time: my oldest daughter graduated from undergraduate school AND graduate school, she's gotten married, and has moved to a different state than the one she was born and raised in. In 9 year's time: my youngest graduated from high school, and is about to graduate with her undergraduate degree. She's been accepted to a university to obtain her graduate degree. She's engaged and they just bought a home. In 9 year's time: I got a dog. A little floof face who was named Gus. Gus was sent to me by my grandmother to help me deal with the feeling of sadness following my youngest heading off to college (but I have a feeling I'll blog more about that some other time). In 9 year's time………

In 9 year's time: life went on after her death. I remember when my grandma passed away, the anger I had pent up, the feeling of disgust that while I had just lost the one person that meant the world to me, people were still going about their lives as if nothing had happened. And to them, it hadn't. This was MY loss, this was MY sudden halt in life. I would look around and people were still singing along to the radio in their cars as they drove by. People are still going out to eat at their favorite restaurants. People were still moving along with their life, and I had just suffered such a major loss in my life. No matter how much things had come to a total stop for me….life just kept going on around me.

It has taken me 9 years to be able to attend church on a regular basis, comfortably. It has taken me 9 years to be able to acknowledge my grandmother's birthday without spending the day in mourning. Mourning my loss. It has taken me 9 years to make it through February 2, the absolute worst day of my life, without crying most of the day. It has taken me 9 years to climb out of the hole I had been in, a hole the loss of my grandmother had opened up and swallowed me into.

I was just talking to a distant cousin of mine, whom I grew up with, as he just lost his mom. I finally felt strong enough to admit to him that life does not get easier, time does not heal all wounds, and that we never truly get over the hurt that suffering a loss causes. Eventually, we smile a bit more, and the pain might just go away for a little but the ache is always there. And it's deep. At least for me it is.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my grandma. I miss her as the day is long. In 9 year's time I have thought of her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss her terribly. I still love her longingly. And I will forever feel the pain of losing her.

Reliving the memories of someone you loved and lost will incite emotion. And that emotion will be both joyous and painful. But the pain isn’t a good enough reason to forget about the joy. For too long, I allowed to pain to overtake any other emotion. As time went on, I started to forget the good moments….the perfect cup of tea, the smell of her soap, how amazing pickled cabbage from the local diner tasted with just a hint more sugar in it, and the sound of her voice. 

In 9 year's time, I've grown. I've experienced more loss, I've experienced growth, and in 9 year's time, I've continued to keep my grandma's light burning bright. I will miss her until the day I take my last breath and I know the ache in my heart will never go away, but because I loved her the way I did, she will always be an ever present force in my life, just from a different perspective.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

Until next time....Think Thankfully