Monday Musings

 

The thoughts that are rambling through my mind this Monday: 

Monday Musings

This morning was truly a Monday in the most Mondayest sense of the word! My hair just didn't end up the way I wanted them to, I forgot my tea in the garage after I set it down to put my school bag in my car, I realized I left my garage door open all weekend (after putting my car in it on Saturday), and my mind just feels like it is in a fog today. I'm attributing that to the fact that I started a new medication last week and yesterday was the first day of taking it twice a day. I was warned that this could be an effect of the meds until my body adjusts. It's not terrible, it's just different for me.

All that aside, I've decided to start working this blog again. I'm going to attempt to write more! I miss it. Writing has always been something I've enjoyed doing. It's always been easier to put my words down on paper (or a screen) rather than speak them. I guess I always thought that if I write what I'm thinking or feeling, I can hand those words off and walk away, not having to deal with the fallout, whatever it may be. If I say them to someone, I'm right there to read their faces or have to deal with whatever they do/say after hearing me. I don't like confrontation. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like being in uncomfortable situations. A lot of time, speaking to people leads to those uncomfortable situations. Writing. That's the ticket for me.

My dream (since I was in high school many moons ago), has been to write a novel. I was in a creative writing class in high school and I penned a wonderful teenage novella. I worked so hard on it, ON A TYPEWRITER, many evenings at my grandmother's house. It was such a good story! BUT.....there was a fire at my parents' house and it got tossed in the clean up. I remember the title, The Brightest Star. I was so proud of that little novella. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Perhaps that is the nudge I need in order to start penning something again.

In addition to some other medical diagnoses I've recently been given (nothing too Earth shattering), I diagnosed myself with atychiphobia - the fear of failure. I think this is why I never see any writing through to completion. I fear no one will read it. I fear no one will like it. I fear failure. I do know that failure propels you to success. So, that being said, I'm going to start small - blogging again - and then I will start framing out the ideas I have for a novel. Or maybe a children's book! Or....who knows!!! I just know I really want to write.

Mondays are a good day to refocus and set our intentions for the week, for a specific thing, for anything!!! Today, I'm setting my intention to get back in the writing game.

Until next time.....

HI! Remember me?

Hey there! Remember me? I'm back! I hadn't realized how long I'd been away from blogging until I opened up the blogger website and saw that my last post was in September of 2016. WHAT?! WHAT?!

A lot has happened in the last (almost) 2 years. My youngest finished her second year of college (remember THAT tear jerking blog post?), my oldest is running half marathons (still can't believe that but I'm super proud of her!) and promoting mental health awareness (she's a HUGE advocate for mental health reform here in the US), I changed jobs (for the better, although I miss my coworkers trememdously), my husband had a Grammy nominated song, AND I got a puppy!!! PHEW! Told you a lot has happened!!!

While that seems like a lot of good stuff, my life hasn't been without some challenges as well. Isn't it funny, though, that when I chose to tell you about the things that have happened in my world since September of 2016, I chose to tell you about all the good things. It is easy to count our troubles rather than our blessings, but such an attitude undermines our ability to draw from the good that we have been given and to see our lives as the true gift that it is. A change in perspective can make all the difference. Thinking with a thankful heart completely changes how we view the daily workings of our lives. Recognizing the good and accepting it with gratitude sets the stage for even more goodness to enter our lives and makes it easier for us to recognize that, even in the midst of some troubling times. By choosing (yes it is a choice, people) to focus on the good, the positive, we can change the way we see this world.

Happy 4 years, Think Thankfully!

So, today is the 4th anniversary of my nightly (personal page) Thankful Posts. I've been doing these posts for 4 years, without fail. 4 years. 4 years can be translated into:

•126,316,800 seconds

•2,105,280 minutes

•35,088 hours

•1462 days

•208 weeks and 6 days

     Where did Think Thankfully come from? Let me tell you today, in what I hope will be the start of more consistent blogging again. I miss it. I need to get back to writing. Here's where Think Thankfully got its start:

     Between July and September 2011, I had three relatively traumatic losses in my life when three of my friends lost their lives in three very different ways. Rewind the timeline of my life a little further and the start of my emotional demise came in April of 2007 when my grandfather entered his eternal rest. At the time I was 34 years old and had not experienced loss in this form. I had all four of my grandparents still alive and very active in my life (and the lives of my daughters). Trying to work through his death was very tough for me. He was a staple in my life. As the pain slowly started to dissipate a bit….WHAM! Life handed me another horrible loss in January 2009 with the loss of my other grandfather, a sudden loss that no one was expecting. Fast forward to January 2010 when my beloved grandmother suffered a horrific fall and was eventually called home in February, just a few short days before my birthday (9 to be exact). The loss I felt when she passed spiraled out of control. My grandmother was my rock. She was my everything….my world. As I sit here and write this, the tears still form in my eyes.  I still feel the ache of losing my grandmother, I miss her terribly.

     As stated earlier, between July and September 2011, I had three relatively traumatic losses in my life. In July, I lost a lifelong childhood friend to a massive heart attack at 40 years old. We grew up in the church together, sang in the choir, spent time in youth group, all the stuff kids do. Learning of his death seemed to bring to the forefront of my thoughts all the feelings of loss I felt when my three grandparents had passed. I could hardly believe someone MY AGE had suffered a massive heart attack. It didn’t seem real. Then came August and that meant another friend gone. A friend I had gone through high school with (although she was a year ahead of me), decided life was just too tough for her and she took her own life at the young age of 39. While this loss caught me off guard, I still have trouble understanding the taking of one’s own life. I just cannot imagine feeling that low, but by September, I, myself, felt as if I was teetering on the verge of a horrible depression.

     And then, September rolled around and life finally dealt me the final blow in my sorrow, sadness, heartbreak. One of my dear friends passed away, quite unexpectedly at the age of 41, after having surgery to correct some back issues. It was the death of my friend Rick that seemed to send my feelings on a roller coaster ride into oblivion. I walked around in somewhat of a daze for awhile, every time my mind had a bit of rest, thoughts went right to Rick. I had a hard time understanding why this had to happen, much like when my grandmother passed away. I had such built up anger that such a wonderful person was taken from me, anger I had suppressed for quite some time (almost 2 years to be exact), anger that resurfaced with the passing of Rick.

     It was October 4, 2011. The day before my last living grandmother’s 83rd birthday, when I realized I had so much to be thankful for. Rather than living life with anger and bitterness building up, I had to focus on all I had to be thankful for. My job had been stressful at the time (it still is, if I am to be honest here) and I could feel myself becoming someone I did not want to be. I wasn’t sleeping at night and was basically going through the motions of daily life. Nothing was fun anymore.

     That is what led me to my thankful journal. I decided to use Facebook as an outlet for my gratitude. My friends became my sounding board as I posted my THINK THANKFULLY posts!  Each night before I decided to shut down the Facebook page for the night, I reflected on the things of that day that I was most thankful for, sometimes with an explanation and sometimes without. I began to sleep better, smile more, enjoy life, and my life took a turn for the better. I promised myself to post things each day for a year that I was most thankful for. This idea has been going strong for 4 years. I never stopped. I've posted many things I've been thankful for in 4 years time and it has truly been all of these things and much much more that I am thankful for in my life and have brought me to the place I am today; A happy, grateful place living with a happy, grateful heart.

 

 

Until tomorrow, my friends......

 

Think Thankfully bullshit

Dear Readers,

Another late night inspiration for the blog is happening tonight! Let me be quite frank with this one, as tonight I have had an amazing revelation in the way I choose to live my life and what I am doing with the whole Think Thankfully idea! I had another pretty decent day! I am realizing that not just Facebooking Think Thankfully and blogging Think Thankfully, but really LIVING Think Thankfully is the key to truly living happily ever after!

Many people know, from reading previous blog postings OR from knowing me in real life, that my previous marriage was far less than amazing. While I was blessed with two amazing daughters, my marriage itself was far less than perfect. It wasn't the Disney storybook that everyone thinks they need in life. Nope. Not even close. There was A LOT of infidelity and mistrust. There was a lot of disrespect and emotional abuse. There was a lot of me feeling like I had to be a certain way in order to be loved.

Tonight, I spent some time at a local establishment, watching the Nascar race. I am not a Nascar fan, if I must be honest, but we (my husband and I) bought into a Nascar pool and went to see if we could win any money AND to hang out with our friends. I had such a good time. We laughed, we sang to the jukebox, we made silly videos on the new Crazy Helium Booth app that I have on my phone, we enjoyed each others' company.

By the end of the night, something happened, again, that truly made me want to write right on the spot. I even joked with my friend Fran that I was turning this event into a blog. See, I encountered someone from my past that I did not necessarily have the warm fuzzies over. Again, I will not rehash the past, but this person was not someone I would save from a burning building if I had the chance. I know. Doesn't sound like me, right?! Well, tonight, I engaged in conversation with this person. It was nice. It was as if I had no inner feelings towards them. We talked as if there was nothing ever between us. It felt good.

When my friend came back to our spot, she asked if I was ok. I told her I truly was ok and her response...."SEE!!! Your THINK THANKFULLY bullshit is really working!" Although I was immediately taken aback, I laughed! While I don't think of my Think Thankfully way of living as bullshit, tonight I realized without any doubt in my mind, that if you truly believe in it, the idea of Think Thankfully can really change your life. It is a life changing principle. I joked with my friend that I wanted to blog about that immediately. 

This is a no bullshit zone. If you truly believe in the ideas and principles of Think Thankfully, they truly are life changing. I've finally realized that. I live what I post and although sometimes, my own lessons come around in their own sweet time, I still live the idea of Think Thankfully. In the past two weeks, I've had people get back in touch with me who I've lost touch with, potential career changing opportunities show themselves to me, and finally realizing that the past is just that....THE PAST.

I've got an amazing husband, two awesome daughters, a solid family unit, and a group of fabulous friends who are the most important and supportive crew a girl could hope to ever have. I may not be a well renowned author, I may not have a lot of money, I don't even have a lot of people reading this blog right now, but one thing I do have is my sense of self....my sense of who I truly am.

I live in a no bullshit zone. It's how life has to be for me. What you see is what you get. I say what I mean, I mean what I say, and I follow through. In listening and following simple advice, the Think Thankfully bullshit can make a difference to you too. You just have to want it!!

Until next time, my friends....choose the bullshit you want to follow and you want to believe! It can make all the difference!!! To the past being the past, and the present being a gift!!!!

Think Thankfully!

A little 1978 country inspiration......tell me you aren't singing out loud!

Dear Readers,

I’m starting out this blog entry with a little disclaimer: if you do not like country music, stop reading right now! I have managed to change this entry many times today; more than you could ever imagine. It was not until I looked at my personal Think Thankfully post on the great book of Faces from last night, that the ultimate inspiration hit me!

If you are (or have ever been) a fan of country music (and even if you aren't or never have been), I'd be willing to bet you have heard Kenny Rogers’ famous song The Gambler. Many songs tell a story (if they are a good song that is) and The Gambler is no different. In this particular song, we have a young guy who’s down on his luck and ends up sitting next to an experienced old gambler on a train "bound for nowhere". The premise of the story is that the two tend to take turns staring out the window for awhile, when the tension between the two is broken and the experienced old gambler 'clues' the young traveler in that he has made a life out of 'reading people's faces'. The Gambler is able to tell that the young man next to him is pretty down on his luck, or 'out of aces' as the song describes. For a simple taste of whiskey (and a bummed cigarette and light), he is willing to offer his sage advice to his young traveling companion and it is at this point I believe everyone sings along when they hear the chorus ring out:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em

Know when to fold ‘em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run

You never count your money

When you’re sittin’ at the table

Cuz there’ll be time enough for counting

When the dealin’s done”

One of the hardest parts of life, is knowing when to cut your losses. Knowing when to hold ‘em, fold  ‘em, walk away, or run. Yesterday was not a good day for me. It was a day filled with ultimate frustrations. Lately, I have been feeling more and more that I need a change of scenery. I allow too many things to get the best of me. I've lost my ability to 'shake it off' when I feel I'm not doing the best I can. In my line of work, the average burnout rate is 3-5 years. I have been at it for 18. Being the best in the classroom is something I work hard at and something I pride myself in. I don’t believe in quitting. Quitting is not an option for me. Being strong enough to know that I’m becoming ineffective and that perhaps it is time to walk away, is an admission I am not afraid to make. I understand myself well enough to know when I am more than capable of mustering through some frustrations, or when it’s best to just fold and walk away.

A wise person commented on my thankful status, saying, “Just make sure you know where you are running to!” This is the hard part. I know what I want. I know what I love, what I enjoy. I know where I want to run to, but actually being able to is an entirely new story. After posting my nightly status, a friend of mine sent me a video in which she said, "Hey! Did you have a bad day? I'm sorry. There's no reason to be upset because you have lots of friends and family who love you and accept you for who you are! You do what you have to do. You'll know when that time is right. Just know this: I LOVE YOU!" I sat and cried. As much as I help many people through their frustrations, people help me through mine!! (A little laughter goes a long way, too!!!)

Have no fear, I am not feeling down in the dumps, depressed, sad, or extremely defeated (ok, maybe just a little defeated, but not extremely so!). I simply know my limits and know that I must make a change in order to feel energized again. The wonderful thing about writing is that I can get my feelings out and help to get things into perspective. 

Until next time, my friends....just remember, the "secret to survivin' is knowing what to throw away, and knowing what to keep".

Think Thankfully!

The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (1978)