Monday Musings

 

The thoughts that are rambling through my mind this Monday: 

Monday Musings

This morning was truly a Monday in the most Mondayest sense of the word! My hair just didn't end up the way I wanted them to, I forgot my tea in the garage after I set it down to put my school bag in my car, I realized I left my garage door open all weekend (after putting my car in it on Saturday), and my mind just feels like it is in a fog today. I'm attributing that to the fact that I started a new medication last week and yesterday was the first day of taking it twice a day. I was warned that this could be an effect of the meds until my body adjusts. It's not terrible, it's just different for me.

All that aside, I've decided to start working this blog again. I'm going to attempt to write more! I miss it. Writing has always been something I've enjoyed doing. It's always been easier to put my words down on paper (or a screen) rather than speak them. I guess I always thought that if I write what I'm thinking or feeling, I can hand those words off and walk away, not having to deal with the fallout, whatever it may be. If I say them to someone, I'm right there to read their faces or have to deal with whatever they do/say after hearing me. I don't like confrontation. I'm a people pleaser. I don't like being in uncomfortable situations. A lot of time, speaking to people leads to those uncomfortable situations. Writing. That's the ticket for me.

My dream (since I was in high school many moons ago), has been to write a novel. I was in a creative writing class in high school and I penned a wonderful teenage novella. I worked so hard on it, ON A TYPEWRITER, many evenings at my grandmother's house. It was such a good story! BUT.....there was a fire at my parents' house and it got tossed in the clean up. I remember the title, The Brightest Star. I was so proud of that little novella. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Perhaps that is the nudge I need in order to start penning something again.

In addition to some other medical diagnoses I've recently been given (nothing too Earth shattering), I diagnosed myself with atychiphobia - the fear of failure. I think this is why I never see any writing through to completion. I fear no one will read it. I fear no one will like it. I fear failure. I do know that failure propels you to success. So, that being said, I'm going to start small - blogging again - and then I will start framing out the ideas I have for a novel. Or maybe a children's book! Or....who knows!!! I just know I really want to write.

Mondays are a good day to refocus and set our intentions for the week, for a specific thing, for anything!!! Today, I'm setting my intention to get back in the writing game.

Until next time.....

Thankfulness 2020

 A different thankful post tonight.....

NYE 2020. Last year we were preparing to head out to eat with friends and then ring in the new year playing games and enjoying the company of those friends. Tonight, we’ve got on our finest jammies and will bring in 2021 from the comfort of our recliners, just the two of us, because, well, 2020. 

I challenged myself on January 1 to complete one full year of Daily Calm Mindfulness practices in my Calm App. I was blessed many years ago, to be given a lifetime membership to Calm because I was a teacher and part of the Calm Classroom Initiative. I started my day, every day of 2020, with the mindfulness practice of The Daily Calm. How little I knew at the time, that this simple little practice of daily mindfulness would truly change my life. 

I’ve learned to stop stressing over things I have zero control over. I learned that if I can’t change things, I can change how I react to them. I learned that even the best of intentions can have disastrous outcomes. I’ve learned that I control what happens in MY life. I’ve learned that simply taking time for me, usually 10-12 minutes a day, and practicing mindfulness can change your whole life. I’ve learned that I’m completely happy in my quiet life, keeping my circle small, and not worrying so much about others’ lives. 

I’ve learned that social media is complete shit and that people will make themselves look far better here than they are in reality and that everyone is an expert on nothing. I’ve learned that once a habit is formed, it’s hard to break. I’ve learned that my thankful posts are posted, and will continue, as much for others as for myself. 

And despite the year forever known as the shitshow of 2020, it wasn’t horrible for me. I learned to cook. I learned I have all I need within the walls of my home. I learned I can be happy in my solitude. I learned self reliance. My relationship with my husband grew even tighter, if that’s even possible. My relationship with my true sister friends became more solid, as we helped each other through this year. My fortitude became stronger as I did my part to keep COVID away from my household. 

2020 taught me a lot. I do not look at the last 365 days as a bad year, personally. Hell, anything is better than 2019 was for me. Sure we suffered loss, again, but we also strengthened family bonds, and for that I will forever be thankful to 2020. 

When you are thankful for all you have, you have all you really need. 

I wish you a 2021 filled with your own awakenings, transformations, enlightenment, and love.....always love. ❤️

And tonight, THAT is what I am thankful for.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. STAY HOME!

It's been a while since I last blogged. Honestly, the creative juices have not been flowing so freely this last month or so. Considering the state of the world right now, I felt as though writing might be something that would help my current state of mind. 

My routine has been shaken up as a result of COVID-19, much like a lot of you I would assume. Being in a state of limbo with regards to what work is going to look like, whether those I love are taking this seriously and staying safe, how long is this going to last.....among a lot of other thoughts racing through my head....this all really stinks. But one thing I know for sure is that together we will get through all this as long as we stay safe, stay healthy, and STAY HOME!

I decided to take a break from Facebook for the Lenten season. I still post my nightly thankful posts (and thank GOD I do, because that is helping to keep me sane throughout all of this - I haven't left my house except to walk the dogs around town once or twice a day) and I occasionally post from Instagram (mainly for birthdays I feel need recognition - parents, nieces, etc). I haven't truly scrolled through Facebook in a long period of time. I'm learning how freeing it is to NOT be so reliant on social media and the misinformation that spreads rampant on those platforms. Reflecting on my time away (isn't that what Lent is all about - reflection?), I am not so sure I will ever go back to the Facebook activity that I once had.

This time in our lives is definitely a challenging one. No one truly knows what to expect and the unknowns are quite scary (at least I think they are). I'm a bit of a loner, truth be told. I'm ok being here in my house with just my dogs and my husband, but I do miss being with my extended family. I miss the occasional interaction with acquaintances I'd see at the grocery store or post office. I miss seeing my work friends. I miss my best friend. I do miss life as I knew it prior to COVID-19 coming around. I'm sure we all do.

I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you how to feel. But I can ask you to stay safe, stay healthy, and STAY HOME.  For your sake and for mine....STAY HOME.

 

Springsteen to the rescue - again!

My goodness did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. In fact, I didn't even wake up on MY side of MY bed. I woke up in the guest bedroom after being booted from my bed by the dogs. Gus normally sleeps in bed with us, but Penny, well, she's just too large to sleep on the bed (and I know many people will say they don't belong on our bed to begin with, but HUSH....my house, my rules). When my day actually started, I was out of sorts and in a pissy mood, for lack of a better term, just ask my husband.

I left late for work and as I entered the highway, my phone rang. It was my supervisor. Normally, I'm well on my way by the time she had called, but today, NOPE. Wasn't a huge deal, but enough to throw off my already crapshoot of a morning. Pulled into the parking lot at the time I'm supposed to be in my classroom and I truly hate feeling rushed. My own fault today, I get that.

An email regarding the phone system at work set me off on a vocal tirade, to which a coworker commented about my mood first thing. Wake up call. As I sat here looking at my computer screen that had all my favorite Sirius channels listed, I gazed through the listing and immediately saw that Thunder Road was playing on E Street Radio. That's it. I'm listening to Channel 20 because if ANYONE can relate to my moods, it's Springsteen. And the best part is, he doesn't even know it!!!!

Throughout my life....well, since I was in the 4th grade and a mere girl of 10 years old....Bruce Springsteen has spoken to me. Ok, HE hasn't actually spoken to me, but his lyrics have. It was hearing Thunder Road for the first time that captivated me with this man who would later become the one entity that could always get me through the rough times in my life. Thunder Road is the one song that has always given me hope in trying times, sunshine on my grey sky days, a smile when the corners of my mouth want to dip into a frown.

I wasn't sure how my "I'm listening to nothing but Springsteen today" would go over with my coworkers, but truth be told, I didn't really care. Much like the 'my house my rules' attitude I have, it's kind of like a 'my Sirius my computer my music choice' attitude as well! No apologies here. It is a good thing my aide enjoys the music of Springsteen, too!

So, here I sit, listening to an episode of Be The Boss on E Street Radio, smiling through someone's song choices and listening to how Springsteen has affected their lives as well. It's a weird thing, how the music of one man can do that; can bring people together and make us realize that we are not alone in our struggles, happiness, and love for all things Springsteen. I reflect on the many concerts I've been to, the time I was the Boss on E Street Radio, the front row experience, the back to back night experience, and the many times his music has gotten me through a rough time.

Today, it is 4 months since losing Billy. I know that's weighing heavily on my heart and mind. Today, I will allow Mr Springsteen to help me through all my feelings and emotions, as only his music can do. Maybe, I'll get a message in one of the songs, maybe I'll hear something I missed the million other times I've heard a song, and maybe I'll somehow feel the weight of this lift from my shoulders.

Maybe.

For now, I'll listen with open ears and an open heart. And one day, when I am fortunate enough to meet Mr Springsteen, I will thank him for always coming to my rescue. A girl can dream......

On Thankgsiving and Thankfulness

It's that time of year again! We are well into the month of THANKS, the month where we start seeing the thankful posts of our friends, popping up everywhere on social media. It truly warms my heart when I read other people's thankful posts and I imagine that's what happens when they read mine (assuming they actually read what I have to say each night). What saddens me, is that once December 1 rolls around, the posts stop. If there is anything I've learned throughout my own thankful journey, is that the idea of being thankful should NOT be isolated to just one day (Thanksgiving) or one month (November) each year, but rather, it should be celebrated EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The older I get, the more I stand behind this idea. Mother's Day: why not celebrate your mom EVERY SINGLE DAY? Father's Day: ditto! Honor them EVERY SINGLE DAY! Valentine's Day: my goodness, shower those you love EVERY SINGLE DAY with acts of love and kindness! 

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday (followed extremely closely by Christmas) since I was a little girl. I remember waking up on Thanksgiving morning to the smell of dinner being prepared by my mom. The smell of turkey wafting through the house, mom's mouthwatering orange juice sweet potatoes, the rich aroma of green bean casserole......just thinking about it takes me right back to being a child at 405 White Street!!! I remember getting excited for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, especially the Snoopy balloon AND of course, Santa at the end!!! I remember waiting patiently for my grandparents to come to our house for the meal (and my Grandma Marilyn bringing the delicious filling and Grandma LaRue bringing the pies and pumpkin rolls!!!). Family all around the table together....giving thanks and feeling extremely blessed!

This year, Thanksgiving will be a bit different. Grandma LaRue won't be at the Thanksgiving table. There will be no GOBBLE til ya WOBBLE texts from Billy. It will be a bit different BUT one thing is for certain, we will still give thanks for all we do have and for the time we had with those we loved. I'm using Thanksgiving as a holiday of refocus this year. While we suffered some losses, we truly still have a lot to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving has always been, and will always remain, my favorite holiday. This year, I am putting out this challenge to anyone who reads this blog posting......let Thanksgiving be more than just one day. Keep your gratitude list going in the days, weeks, months, and even year ahead. By focusing on what you are thankful for, you will find even more blessings coming your way. Trust me! Expressing heartfelt gratitude each day, is one of life's greatest joys! I find myself smiling as I finish my nightly thankful posts, just being overjoyed at the blessings I have in my life, even when, at times, it doesn't feel as though I have much to be thankful for! Gratitude is the true heart of Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Ok? Not ok. And that's ok.

It has been a rough two months in my life. Very rough. I’m still struggling with a lot of feelings and I am struggling to get myself back, even minimally, to a point of being a self-confident, happy-go-lucky, super thankful me. Lately, it seems like one thing goes wrong after another. I just told a friend of mine that I feel like I’ve been repeatedly kicked in the teeth, but I am expected to smile as if it doesn’t hurt.

Lately, I’ve been stressing out, worrying and not knowing what to do about situations that are not in my control. There have also been days where I wake up and have nothing. No motivation, no desire to do anything, and when I wake up with those feelings, then all of a sudden, BOOM: self-doubt creeps in. She creeps in with her friends self-conscious and worry. The three of them are able to take me down in one fell swoop. One thought. One idea. And then the rest of my day is 'one of those days'.

I know that part of my problem is that I believe I have to be strong all the time. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for the last two months. I feel as though I have to be strong because that’s what people always say to me. ‘You are one of the strongest women I know.’ It saddens me that people see that in me, but fail to see that even the strongest of people hurt from time to time. Right now, the hurt is winning and it is grief on so many levels that cause the hurt. I miss the life we had on September 9, 2019. I miss Billy, my grandma, the lack of self-doubt (that took me YEARS to overcome), I miss life the way it was and I am guessing things will NEVER go back to the way they were on September 9 and before. What I do know, is that admitting that I’m not doing too well with our new normal, isn’t easy, especially because my career is in working with students who are emotionally and behaviorally challenged, many who have mental health issues as well. I work in a mental health related field. And then here I am, being the one who is not ok. I am not ok. I know I need to reach out and talk through my feelings, but at the same time, in my own head, those feelings are not valid and I’m wrong for feeling like this. It’s been a double edged sword for me.

This school year has been especially hard for me. I find myself struggling to embrace the students who need me the most, because I truly am struggling to accept their lack of effort, their lack of care, their lack of ambition. It just doesn’t seem fair to me right now. No matter how I try to twist the facts here, to make it more acceptable to me, I can’t. Day in and day out, I’m dealing with students who just don’t care. I used to think that if I cared enough for both of us, their attitudes would change and they’d see the importance of school, education. This year, I can’t bring myself to care and I hate that about myself right now. I go to work and go through the motions and it shows.

I’ve been extremely thankful for my ‘people’, those who have been there for me to cry to, vent to, scream at, and have just ‘been there’. They haven’t told me things will be fine. They haven’t told me that I need to get over it. They haven’t tried to talk me out of my feelings. They’ve accepted how I feel, listened to WHY I feel the way I do, and are simply there to be there. That’s what I’ve needed through all this. True friendship and sisterhood. I know it’s ok to not be ok, and they know it too. They know that things WILL be ok, eventually, but in my world, things are not ok right now and so they embrace that and help me through that. They never stop believing in me, checking in on me, and not expecting some fake answer when they ask, “How are you today?”

Because my answer is that I’m not really ok, and that’s ok. And I guess I will just keep reminding myself of that and being thankful for my people who will be ok with that answer because they know........

To my husband

To my main squeeze, my Honey Man, the absolute love of my life,

There are a million and one ways I could start this blog, but I think the best way to begin would be to say thank you.

Thank you for choosing me, always. Even when it was difficult for you to do so, you never stopped choosing me or loving me, ever. You are an incredible human being, and I am so incredibly thankful that I was blessed enough to be yours. First loves are fun and fresh, but to be someone's end of the road love, that's something even more incredible. I am so thankful to be your end of the road and I am even more thankful that you are mine. You've shown me love like I've never known before and will never experience again in this lifetime.

Thank you for marrying me. I've said it many times before, but being married to you has changed me for the better. YOU have changed me for the better. Our marriage has proven to be a beautiful union, a true partnership. We are one. Marriage takes two people working together through the easy times as well as the difficulties, leaning on one another through the bad and celebrating with one another through all the good. We've had our share of both. I'm thankful to have been right aside of you through all our ups and downs.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Never let there be any doubt on how much I love you. Through the trials and obstacles, you have loved me through them all. You are my calm in the storm, my rainbow after the rain, my rock when the world is crumbling, my smile when I want to frown. You are not just my best friend, but my everything.

Thank you for never getting tired of hearing me tell you how much I love you. I sometimes feel as though I don't tell you enough (even though I tell you numerous times a day) just how much you mean to me. I would move heaven and earth for you if I could. You truly are my world. I love you more than you could even imagine.....For Now, Forever, For Always!!!!!

Thank you for loving my girls as your own. Your incredible influence in their lives has been such a gift to us. You stepped in when you really didn't have to and have been the best example of what a dad should be. They are better people because of your example, your influence, your love.

Thank you for not giving up on things when life handed us the worst situation in the world to deal with. Thank you for remaining strong in the face of heartbreak. Thank you for wanting me by your side. Thank you for hearing me, understanding me, and allowing me to grieve right along side of you and for never dismissing my hurt. Thank you for keeping me right by your side.

Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for never giving up on me, and for everything in between. We are one. 

Let your faith be bigger than your fears

It is 1:00 in the morning. I should be sound asleep, dreaming of some far away place where the sun shines, colorful flowers bloom, the ocean waves crash upon the shoreline, and I have a drink in my hand. Nope. Not tonight.

Tonight, or should I say this morning, my thoughts are consumed with questions. What's Gus going to do all day while we are at the surgery center? How do they get me onto my stomach on the operating table to do what they have to do to my back? Will they be looking at my ass at all? (Lord, I hope not!) What is sleeping going to be like tomorrow night? Will I be in pain? Will I finally have NO ache in my leg? Will I feel my toes again? How many puppies can a female dog have at one time? How do they scrape roadkill off the road? How high can I count? Wait, SURGERY TOMORROW? Am I strong enough to go through this? Is my faith truly bigger than my fear? 

It's no secret that my faith has been tested in recent years. It has taken me 9 years to really get back to going to church again after losing my grandmother. Whenever I hear the word faith, I think of a quote from one of my favorite 'old time' Disney movies, The Rescuers. It comes as a scene between Rufus (the orphanage cat) and Penny.

Rufus the Cat: Faith is a blue bird, we see from far. It's for real and as sure as the first evening star, you can't touch it or buy it or wrap it up tight but it's there just the same, making things turn out right.

Penny: Can't touch it or buy it or wrap it up tight but it's there just the same making things turn out right.

So, I have to be at the surgery center at 5:30. In just a few short hours from now. I should be sleeping, but nerves have the best of me right now. It seems pointless to even try to sleep at this point, knowing my alarm will be going off at 4:00, we will be picking up my mom at 4:30 and heading towards the one place that is going to 'fix me'. Faith. Faith in modern medicine. Faith in my surgeon. Faith in God, the Father and Jesus, the Divine Healer. Faith. It's there just the same, making things turn out right.

Fixing me. I've been on this never-ending roller coaster since October 14, when I took a nasty fall off a curb, twisting my left ankle (that it ballooned up in an instant), screwing up my right knee, and ultimately rupturing a disc in my lower back (L5-S1 to be exact). It wasn't until January 5 that my ruptured disc turned into a sequestered disc, leaving a 17x18x8 piece fragment in my thecal sac, impinging the S1 and S2 nerve root to my left leg. I have NEVER felt pain like that before in my life and I have a HIGH tolerance for pain. Everything I had ever heard about sciatica pain....this was it. I was sure of it (because WebMD told me so). It was pain of immeasurable strength, and being a person with an extremely high tolerance for pain, it was way too much for me to handle. Two and a half grueling months of seeing a chiropractor three times a week with no results brings me to the current situation.....not sciatica pain, but sequestered disc pain and ultimately.....surgery day. Here's where that faith comes in again. As I sit here with all my bundles of nerves building up, I am also leaning on my renewed faith to help me through this. 

I believe things happen for a reason. I believe my knee surgery fell through because THIS was a greater need. I believe I was brought back to the church because He knew I needed to hear HIS messages, through hymns and sermons, to fully believe in MY faith. I believe I will be ok. It was my mantra as I walked out of work yesterday afternoon. "I will be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok."

And I truly believe I will be. I will be ok. Not to say I am not scared out of my mind, but I believe I will be ok. And I'm sure Gus will be ok while we are at the surgery center (my dad already said he'd take care of my little guy). And I'm sure they won't be looking at my ass (orrrrrrrrrr maybe they will, who knows). And I'm still unsure of how they get me on my stomach to operate on my back (but that's ok). And I'm sure I will be uncomfortable after surgery, but I'm also pretty confident I will get feeling back in my leg and toes (ok, I am HIGHLY confident of that). And I guess I will find out what sleeping is going to feel like with a 2-3" incision somewhere on my lower back (but hey! after not sleeping tonight, I might not even care, right?). And I really don't care about how many puppies a female dog can have (because all that matters is that they HAVE puppies, right?). And I SERIOUSLY don't care about roadkill (but thanks to FaceBook for showing me a picture of an opossum and making me wonder these crazy things). And lastly, I know my faith is bigger than my fears (and Jesus loves me, this I know, because my grandma told me so). 

Until tomorrow, my friends .... “Catch ya all on the flipside. If you can’t be good, be good at it. 😊 ~Rick Greenwood, 1969-2011

In 9 year's time

Today would have been my grandma's birthday. Today, it is 9 birthdays we've had without her. Today, I miss her a little more. It's been a long 9 years for me, but at some times, it feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. 9 years. In 9 year's time: my oldest daughter graduated from undergraduate school AND graduate school, she's gotten married, and has moved to a different state than the one she was born and raised in. In 9 year's time: my youngest graduated from high school, and is about to graduate with her undergraduate degree. She's been accepted to a university to obtain her graduate degree. She's engaged and they just bought a home. In 9 year's time: I got a dog. A little floof face who was named Gus. Gus was sent to me by my grandmother to help me deal with the feeling of sadness following my youngest heading off to college (but I have a feeling I'll blog more about that some other time). In 9 year's time………

In 9 year's time: life went on after her death. I remember when my grandma passed away, the anger I had pent up, the feeling of disgust that while I had just lost the one person that meant the world to me, people were still going about their lives as if nothing had happened. And to them, it hadn't. This was MY loss, this was MY sudden halt in life. I would look around and people were still singing along to the radio in their cars as they drove by. People are still going out to eat at their favorite restaurants. People were still moving along with their life, and I had just suffered such a major loss in my life. No matter how much things had come to a total stop for me….life just kept going on around me.

It has taken me 9 years to be able to attend church on a regular basis, comfortably. It has taken me 9 years to be able to acknowledge my grandmother's birthday without spending the day in mourning. Mourning my loss. It has taken me 9 years to make it through February 2, the absolute worst day of my life, without crying most of the day. It has taken me 9 years to climb out of the hole I had been in, a hole the loss of my grandmother had opened up and swallowed me into.

I was just talking to a distant cousin of mine, whom I grew up with, as he just lost his mom. I finally felt strong enough to admit to him that life does not get easier, time does not heal all wounds, and that we never truly get over the hurt that suffering a loss causes. Eventually, we smile a bit more, and the pain might just go away for a little but the ache is always there. And it's deep. At least for me it is.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my grandma. I miss her as the day is long. In 9 year's time I have thought of her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss her terribly. I still love her longingly. And I will forever feel the pain of losing her.

Reliving the memories of someone you loved and lost will incite emotion. And that emotion will be both joyous and painful. But the pain isn’t a good enough reason to forget about the joy. For too long, I allowed to pain to overtake any other emotion. As time went on, I started to forget the good moments….the perfect cup of tea, the smell of her soap, how amazing pickled cabbage from the local diner tasted with just a hint more sugar in it, and the sound of her voice. 

In 9 year's time, I've grown. I've experienced more loss, I've experienced growth, and in 9 year's time, I've continued to keep my grandma's light burning bright. I will miss her until the day I take my last breath and I know the ache in my heart will never go away, but because I loved her the way I did, she will always be an ever present force in my life, just from a different perspective.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

Until next time....Think Thankfully