Tick tock, tick tock time is drawing near!

Ok, so Christmas is my favorite time of (day of) the year! My earliest Christmas memory happened in 1977. My little brother, Travis, was born on the 23rd of December that year. YAY! Merry Christmas! I got a brother, however I wanted a sister! I was devastated when the call came to my grandma's house telling me that I had a(nother) little brother. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I hung up on my dad and immediately ran upstairs and bawled my eyes out! Yes, that was December 23.

My mom had to stay in the hospital for a few days, as she had my brother via a C-Section, so if you do the math, guess where she spent Christmas that year? Yup! The hospital. I don't remember much about THAT but what I do remember......waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents with my other little brother, Chad, and my Dad. I unwrapped the BEST present a little girl could hope for!! I got a real working sewing machine for little girls. I was so excited. That was a time in life when you got one 'big' present and then little odds and ends. THAT was my big present! Guess who didn't get to even try it out because mom was in the hospital (she knew how to use it) and dad didn't have a clue what to do with it. Miserable! I seriously remember not liking my new baby brother for awhile after that because he 'ruined my Christmas'. HAHAHA!!!

 

Christmas has always been a great time of year for me. Traditions that were deep in family. Cookies. Church. One of my favorite things to do was to help my grandma decorate her Christmas tree each year. She had these awesome little bell ornaments that she hung on her tree that looked like little people. Elves and angels or something. There might have only been 5 of them. She always saved those for me to put on the tree. I loved those ornaments. After my grandmother passed away, I asked to have them to keep the tradition alive of putting them on my tree. A little bit of my grandmother (whom I miss terribly, especially at Christmas time) lives on each year as I ring each bell and place it on my tree! One day, I hope to have grandchildren who want to help me decorate my tree and those bells will be saved for them to place!

As a child, Christmas was always a hectic day for my parents. We'd have to visit both sets of grandparents and it seemed like we never had a lot of time at any place, but as a child, it was all we knew of Christmas. The hustle and bustle of the day. Family. Love. One year, the only thing I asked for from Santa was a Cabbage Patch Preemie doll. It wasn't just any Cabbage Patch Preemie on my list. I wanted an African American BOY preemie. My best friend's family had been fostering a little boy who I adored. I wanted a doll that was just like Aaron!! I found out later that my grandfather (who was an old school PA Dutch kind of guy) had traipsed all over Allentown looking for THE doll I wanted and did not settle til he found it, although it ended up being a girl. April Priscilla! Another fond Christmas memory of days gone by. Memories of Christmas that make me smile.

My home is decorated to the nines for Christmas! I've got Christmas trees in almost every room, decorations in every room (YES, even the bathroom gets decorated!), and I love to be surrounded by the beauty of Christmas. White lights on the tree, around the door/archways, on decorations; they are the only light I prefer when sitting around at night watching my Christmas movies!!

Christmas music has been playing at my desk since Thanksgiving. I've been wearing Christmas attire since we are back from Thanksgiving break (and I'm sad there wasn't more time between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!). I'm done with the wrapping, the sending of Christmas cards, stocking stuffers have been purchased (slightly disappointed in them this year), and I'm ready to put work in the books for this year (ONE MORE DAY!)!! The dogs have their Christmas collars and bandanas on! I've been told I suffer from O.C.D (Obsessive Christmas Disorder) and to that I say, YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!! I love all things Christmas and sometimes I struggle when others don't share in my affinity for all things Christmas. In my world, Christmas can get here now!!! Hurry Christmas!!!

In my love for all things Christmas, one image will ALWAYS stand out in my memory bank. As a child, we would drive to the next town to visit my grandparents. A storefront on the main street in the town always had a statue in their front window of Santa kneeling at the manger of the Christ Child. It always struck me as profound (even before I knew what profound meant). There was always something about THAT window display that put the meaning of Christmas where it should be. Yes, Christmas is wonderful with the lights, bells, trees, Santa Claus, gifts, music, movies, TV specials, hoopla out the whazoo, but in reality, Christmas is beautiful for the one gift that was unselfishly given to us, in the form of a baby in a manger. The image of Santa kneeling at the Christ Child's manger is a hauntingly beautiful reminder of the TRUE meaning of the season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. May the blessings of Christmas be with you this holiday season and in the days that follow, as we usher in a new year, new decade.

Christmastime is here

It's almost Christmas!! It truly is my favorite time of year (and honestly, my favorite DAY of the year!)!!! I love all things Christmas! The lights!! The colors!! Santa!! SNOW!! The Nativity!! The Christmas Story!! Bells!! Tinsel!! Garland!! Angels!! Balls!! Music!! Movies!!

Christmastime is here. It's my favorite time of the year for so many reasons. I've been determined to keep it my favorite time of year, despite the hand we were dealt with in the last 3 months. This year, Christmas will be so different, but rather than become all mopey about it, I am embracing the change. 

It will be the first year that there will be no children in our house on Christmas morning. 29 years of waking up to one (or both) of my girls in their rooms, patiently waiting to go downstairs to see what Mama Claus delivered during the night has come to an end, as I knew it one day would. And as much as I knew it would, I wasn't quite prepared for it. There is a part of me that is sad at this thought (because it has always been my favorite part of the day - waking up and heading downstairs and seeing their faces at what was under the tree!!!) but there is also a part of me that is so proud at how wonderfully their lives have turned out. Each living in their own homes, creating Christmas traditions with their families. It's a new Christmas for me this year, but I'm ok with that!

This year will be different in that we won't get our usual texts from California. Bill won't get his hour(s) long Christmas phone call from Billy. I'm praying for peace in our hearts this Christmas day, as we go about our day keeping his memory alive and remembering him with happy memories of Christmases past, thanking God for the Christmases we HAD with him. Different. A new normal.

December 25 will also mark our 10th anniversary!! 10 years of being married to the most amazing man I've ever known in my life (next to my dad!). Not even joking when I say, it feels like we've been together forever. Bill always says we have. We've been together in many previous lives and somehow we always manage to find each other over and over again. I believe that, weird as it may sound. When I first met Bill DeHart, I had no idea what changes he would bring to my life. I will forever be thankful our paths crossed again and that we managed to become one. There is NO one else I want to go through life with than my main squeeze!

10 years ago, when Bill proposed the idea of getting married on Christmas Day, in my grandmother's living room (where he proposed to me 2 years prior), I thought he was just kidding around. I wasn't so sure I really wanted to get married again. I was content with life as it was. As often as Bill would say we would get married one day, I swore it was 'never gonna happen' for one reason or another (we have quite a history there!). We managed to throw together an incredible wedding in two weeks time and we got married in front of the Christmas tree in my grandmothers front living room at 4pm on December 25, 2009 by the Mayor of Bowmanstown and in front of family and two special friends! It was my last Christmas with my beloved Grandma Marilyn. It was the best Christmas of my life up to that point. Every Christmas since has been exceptional. I love all things Christmas and hope to spread that Christmas cheer to those I encounter on a daily basis!

Life in the last 10 years: we've traveled a lot, watched our daughters graduate high school and college (a few times), supported our son in his life decision to move across the country, saw our daughter get married, another one get engaged, experienced the heartache of losing our son, added two dogs to the family, produced a CD for the band (YAY BILL!! FOLLOW THAT DREAM, MY LOVE!), and simply enjoyed life TOGETHER. 

Bill, life with you is nothing short of amazing. You keep me smiling when I want to frown, laughing when I want to cry. You support all my crazy ideas and love me through thick and thin. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and I am so blessed that you share that heart with me. Happy 10 years (I know I'm early, but the mood struck for this post so here it is!), Babe!!!!

Wishing everyone who has read this blog a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Joyous New Year. May 2020 be better than 2019!!!

Four words that made a difference

I wasn't going to write again this week, but something happened last night that prompted my urge to write about it. 

During the day yesterday, my wonderfully amazing husband asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him last night. I love when he does things like that. He's a genuinely amazing person, who ALWAYS asks me on a 'date'. Yes, despite the fact that we are older AND have been together forever, he still asks me on date nights!! I was planning on making a broiled salmon for dinner, but without hesitation, I told him I'd love to join him out for dinner! I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want to go out to dinner rather than cook, right???

So, he gets home from work and changes around and off we go. I wasn't sure what I was hungry for so I left it up to him where we'd eat. Since the beginning of July, I've been following the Code Red Lifestyle, which has completely changed my way of eating. It isn't difficult to follow, and I have lost over 60 pounds in a very healthy way. My husband has been extremely supportive of this decision of mine and does his best to accommodate my needs when eating out. I'm never worried....I can always find something on a menu that I choose to eat!

We ended up at a place called The Keystone Pub, which is a favorite spot of his. I was checking out the menu and decided on a Black and Bleu burger with no bun: a blackened burger, bleu cheese crumbles, sauteed onions, bacon, and jalapeno peppers. Delicious!!! When the waitress came around, I asked her for the burger, no bun and a side salad with Ranch dressing. She proceeds to ask me if I want fries or chips with my burger. I told her I didn't need either, just the side salad.

My husband and I sat chatting before our food came out and when it did, he looks over at me and says, "I'm proud of you." 

"Proud of me?" I responded, "Why?"

"Because you've found something that really works for you and you stick to it like it's nothing! You look great!"

Talk about making me feel exceptional? My husband has ALWAYS made me feel like a million bucks. He ALWAYS makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world (or at least the room!). He ALWAYS makes sure I know that he notices the little things. He is one of the most respectful men I've ever met.  

Since starting my new lifestyle, he's been on board to the best of his ability! He's such a foodie! He loves eating out. He loves desserts. He loves food! It's his vice. That being said, he's been supportive of new dinners, new food options, and grocery shopping in a different way than we've been used to. He expresses a genuine interest in what I'm doing.

I truly believe you should be with someone who is proud of you, proud to be with you, proud of your accomplishments. Be with someone who makes you laugh more than cry, lifts you up more than puts you down, listens to you when you have something to say rather than dismissing your ideas or feelings. Be with someone who understands ALL your moods and knows how to make each of them better, and most of all, be with someone who makes YOU a priority. It is my sincere hope that through my relationship with my husband, my daughters have been able to see how a true relationship looks, what it should be like (rather than what they were subjected to when I was married to their father), and how true compromise makes all relationships even stronger.

"I'm proud of you." Four words that meant so very much to me......and I know he meant it, too.

Ok? Not ok. And that's ok.

It has been a rough two months in my life. Very rough. I’m still struggling with a lot of feelings and I am struggling to get myself back, even minimally, to a point of being a self-confident, happy-go-lucky, super thankful me. Lately, it seems like one thing goes wrong after another. I just told a friend of mine that I feel like I’ve been repeatedly kicked in the teeth, but I am expected to smile as if it doesn’t hurt.

Lately, I’ve been stressing out, worrying and not knowing what to do about situations that are not in my control. There have also been days where I wake up and have nothing. No motivation, no desire to do anything, and when I wake up with those feelings, then all of a sudden, BOOM: self-doubt creeps in. She creeps in with her friends self-conscious and worry. The three of them are able to take me down in one fell swoop. One thought. One idea. And then the rest of my day is 'one of those days'.

I know that part of my problem is that I believe I have to be strong all the time. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for the last two months. I feel as though I have to be strong because that’s what people always say to me. ‘You are one of the strongest women I know.’ It saddens me that people see that in me, but fail to see that even the strongest of people hurt from time to time. Right now, the hurt is winning and it is grief on so many levels that cause the hurt. I miss the life we had on September 9, 2019. I miss Billy, my grandma, the lack of self-doubt (that took me YEARS to overcome), I miss life the way it was and I am guessing things will NEVER go back to the way they were on September 9 and before. What I do know, is that admitting that I’m not doing too well with our new normal, isn’t easy, especially because my career is in working with students who are emotionally and behaviorally challenged, many who have mental health issues as well. I work in a mental health related field. And then here I am, being the one who is not ok. I am not ok. I know I need to reach out and talk through my feelings, but at the same time, in my own head, those feelings are not valid and I’m wrong for feeling like this. It’s been a double edged sword for me.

This school year has been especially hard for me. I find myself struggling to embrace the students who need me the most, because I truly am struggling to accept their lack of effort, their lack of care, their lack of ambition. It just doesn’t seem fair to me right now. No matter how I try to twist the facts here, to make it more acceptable to me, I can’t. Day in and day out, I’m dealing with students who just don’t care. I used to think that if I cared enough for both of us, their attitudes would change and they’d see the importance of school, education. This year, I can’t bring myself to care and I hate that about myself right now. I go to work and go through the motions and it shows.

I’ve been extremely thankful for my ‘people’, those who have been there for me to cry to, vent to, scream at, and have just ‘been there’. They haven’t told me things will be fine. They haven’t told me that I need to get over it. They haven’t tried to talk me out of my feelings. They’ve accepted how I feel, listened to WHY I feel the way I do, and are simply there to be there. That’s what I’ve needed through all this. True friendship and sisterhood. I know it’s ok to not be ok, and they know it too. They know that things WILL be ok, eventually, but in my world, things are not ok right now and so they embrace that and help me through that. They never stop believing in me, checking in on me, and not expecting some fake answer when they ask, “How are you today?”

Because my answer is that I’m not really ok, and that’s ok. And I guess I will just keep reminding myself of that and being thankful for my people who will be ok with that answer because they know........

To my husband

To my main squeeze, my Honey Man, the absolute love of my life,

There are a million and one ways I could start this blog, but I think the best way to begin would be to say thank you.

Thank you for choosing me, always. Even when it was difficult for you to do so, you never stopped choosing me or loving me, ever. You are an incredible human being, and I am so incredibly thankful that I was blessed enough to be yours. First loves are fun and fresh, but to be someone's end of the road love, that's something even more incredible. I am so thankful to be your end of the road and I am even more thankful that you are mine. You've shown me love like I've never known before and will never experience again in this lifetime.

Thank you for marrying me. I've said it many times before, but being married to you has changed me for the better. YOU have changed me for the better. Our marriage has proven to be a beautiful union, a true partnership. We are one. Marriage takes two people working together through the easy times as well as the difficulties, leaning on one another through the bad and celebrating with one another through all the good. We've had our share of both. I'm thankful to have been right aside of you through all our ups and downs.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Never let there be any doubt on how much I love you. Through the trials and obstacles, you have loved me through them all. You are my calm in the storm, my rainbow after the rain, my rock when the world is crumbling, my smile when I want to frown. You are not just my best friend, but my everything.

Thank you for never getting tired of hearing me tell you how much I love you. I sometimes feel as though I don't tell you enough (even though I tell you numerous times a day) just how much you mean to me. I would move heaven and earth for you if I could. You truly are my world. I love you more than you could even imagine.....For Now, Forever, For Always!!!!!

Thank you for loving my girls as your own. Your incredible influence in their lives has been such a gift to us. You stepped in when you really didn't have to and have been the best example of what a dad should be. They are better people because of your example, your influence, your love.

Thank you for not giving up on things when life handed us the worst situation in the world to deal with. Thank you for remaining strong in the face of heartbreak. Thank you for wanting me by your side. Thank you for hearing me, understanding me, and allowing me to grieve right along side of you and for never dismissing my hurt. Thank you for keeping me right by your side.

Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for never giving up on me, and for everything in between. We are one. 

Nobody puts Baby in a corner....

Dear Readers,

I sat in my living room yesterday afternoon, totally consumed by abcFamily. “Why?” you ask??? Dirty Dancing was on TV!!!! I’ve always LOVED this movie (I mean, c’mon people, how could you NOT love watching Patrick Swayze shaking his hips?!?) and I seem to get drawn in every time it is on TV. I remember the hype the summer this movie came out in the theaters. 1987. I was 14 years old.

The first time I ever remember seeing Patrick Swayze was in The Outsiders (which also happens to be one of my favorite books!!!). I instantly swooned over this bigger than life bad boy!!! Holy moly was I attracted to him, as only a teenaged girl could be. He definitely was a celebrity crush! And then, well, then Dirty Dancing came around and pretty much solidified my love for Patrick Swayze. Yes, I was crazy for Swayze. Patrick Swayze always seemed to play such romantic characters, and he could play them well!! As a hopeless romantic, the story of he and Baby resonated within me. Watching Johnny teach Baby to dance, taking her up in his muscular arms....well, it did something to me. It made me want to go to a place like Kellerman’s and find my own Johnny Castle. I often wondered if it really did exist: a place like Kellerman’s AND a guy like Johnny Castle. I watched and I knew right there and then I wanted some guy to hold me like that and dance with me like that and more importantly, LOVE me like that.

Hearing Baby speak one of her most famous lines, “Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.”, I felt like she understood me. And as my life unfolded and my 14 year old self grew up, each time I watched Dirty Dancing (yesterday included) those words scream at me.

I’ve come to realize that when you love someone you have to take the risk of getting hurt. Without risk there is no reward. I also learned that relationships are not perfect and sometimes together you can overcome what seems like insurmountable challenges. I had a pretty crappy first marriage. I wasn’t treated like Baby, but rather I was almost treated as a baby. I wasn’t made to feel like I was an important part of his life, but rather that I needed him in order to go through each day. It wasn't love, it became dependency. I took a risk when I met my current husband. We both weren’t in positions to be able to just be together. However, I knew that I wasn’t willing to just walk away because I knew I would NEVER feel the rest of my whole life the way I felt when I was around him. I finally had my Johnny Castle and I was not about to let him go.

While movies like Dirty Dancing are created purely for entertainment (and money making) purposes, they also have some pretty hefty messages within them that we can carry forward into our own lives. It is when we take the time to watch, REALLY watch, that we can understand. And perhaps each time we watch, something new will pop up. Take some time to enjoy the movies.

Until next time, my friends……Nobody puts Baby in a corner!

Think Thankfully

What I think Marilyn Monroe's quote means.....

As I sit here today, writing this blog, the temperatures outside are registering at 7* (with a wind chill of -10*). Since being up this morning, I've watched The Golden Girls, vacuumed my downstairs and collected some garbage to go out tonight, enjoyed some games on the iPad, and just sat in the quiet of my living room. As I looked around the room, I couldn't help but smile when I took inventory of all the photographs we have displayed in our home. We've got tons of pictures of the kids, the grandkids, and the nieces, our parents, our siblings, my grandparents.....and then, there are a wonderful fair share of photographs of my husband and I.....and then I couldn't help but sit in total thanksgiving for the blessing of my husband in my life.

Being married to me has not always been easy. I am a difficult person to love at times. I can be very moody, easily have my feelings hurt, and I am a pro at distancing myself when I find myself in times of trial or tribulation. I am one of the most insecure people you will meet. I can be loud, opinionated, sarcastic, and at times embarrassing. Yes, I can be a very difficult person to love. Things have gotten a lot better since I started on this journey to be a more thankful, positive person, but I still have my lapses in positivity. It never ceases to amaze me how much my husband loves me, despite all my flaws. He truly is a blessing in my life. Sometimes, I expect to wake up and find this was all just a dream. Many times I feel as though I don't deserve his love and devotion. Far too often, I feel like I fail him in the category of loving him. Sure I always say, "I love you more", but the truth is, there is no possible way that is accurate. 

It warms my heart to see so many pictures of the two of us throughout our home. This is something that seriously lacked in my first marriage. There were next to no pictures of the two of us displayed in our house. Not this time. We have pictures of our first outings together, band nights where I would sit and watch in awe at my man's musical abilities, vacations together, and our wedding. So many happy memories made. So many smiles. Coming from a first marriage that ended quite bitterly, I never thought I was worthy of being loved like this. How wrong I was!!! All the pictures displayed are awesome reminders of how much we enjoy each other's company, how we enjoy being together, how in love we are.

I've often seen the image above floating around Facebook, some people using it as a 'get out of jail free card' for their negative way of living, their negative attitudes, their 'right' to be a self proclaimed 'b*tch' towards others and still feel as though they deserve the princess crown. Not me. First of all, this is the first time EVER I've used this quote on social media, because it doesn't give me the power to be the hard to love woman as much as it validates the idea that my husband and I share a true love for one another.....one in which he is able to truly love me at my worst. And my worst was truly bad. I put the man I love through hell years ago. In the early part of our relationship, I pushed him away, pulled back all the love I wanted to give him, ignored him, gave the cold shoulder.....totally unsure I was ready to walk completely away from a former life into something new (and at the time a bit scary). Did he walk away? Did he cast me out? Absolutely not. Could he have? Absolutely. I remember well him saying to me, "Go and do what it is you feel you need to do, but remember when it all crumbles apart again, I will be right here waiting for you, to love you as I have been loving you all along." I often think of that and I am reassured by those words. A man who puts up with the bullshit I've dealt sincerely deserves a medal of honor and I don't think I truly deserve him and his love as much as he deserves to be loved by me. He truly deserves me at my best, but my best is just that BECAUSE of him....because of what he has brought into my life, how he changed me.

There are moments we are together that I feel childish for always emphasizing to him how much he means to me, how much I love him. Sometimes I feel it is my penance for what I put him through those many years ago. There are times I feel as though no amount of 'I love you's' are enough for him to truly know what a difference he's made in my life. And as I sit here writing, I can't help but be moved to tears that someone as amazing as my husband, loves ME the way he does. Completely. Unconditionally. Through thick and thin.

I feel as though I am living my best life right now. Happy. Content. Positive. Thankful. My hope is that you are, too. 

Until tomorrow, my friends......

Think Thankfully.