Tick tock, tick tock time is drawing near!

Ok, so Christmas is my favorite time of (day of) the year! My earliest Christmas memory happened in 1977. My little brother, Travis, was born on the 23rd of December that year. YAY! Merry Christmas! I got a brother, however I wanted a sister! I was devastated when the call came to my grandma's house telling me that I had a(nother) little brother. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I hung up on my dad and immediately ran upstairs and bawled my eyes out! Yes, that was December 23.

My mom had to stay in the hospital for a few days, as she had my brother via a C-Section, so if you do the math, guess where she spent Christmas that year? Yup! The hospital. I don't remember much about THAT but what I do remember......waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents with my other little brother, Chad, and my Dad. I unwrapped the BEST present a little girl could hope for!! I got a real working sewing machine for little girls. I was so excited. That was a time in life when you got one 'big' present and then little odds and ends. THAT was my big present! Guess who didn't get to even try it out because mom was in the hospital (she knew how to use it) and dad didn't have a clue what to do with it. Miserable! I seriously remember not liking my new baby brother for awhile after that because he 'ruined my Christmas'. HAHAHA!!!

 

Christmas has always been a great time of year for me. Traditions that were deep in family. Cookies. Church. One of my favorite things to do was to help my grandma decorate her Christmas tree each year. She had these awesome little bell ornaments that she hung on her tree that looked like little people. Elves and angels or something. There might have only been 5 of them. She always saved those for me to put on the tree. I loved those ornaments. After my grandmother passed away, I asked to have them to keep the tradition alive of putting them on my tree. A little bit of my grandmother (whom I miss terribly, especially at Christmas time) lives on each year as I ring each bell and place it on my tree! One day, I hope to have grandchildren who want to help me decorate my tree and those bells will be saved for them to place!

As a child, Christmas was always a hectic day for my parents. We'd have to visit both sets of grandparents and it seemed like we never had a lot of time at any place, but as a child, it was all we knew of Christmas. The hustle and bustle of the day. Family. Love. One year, the only thing I asked for from Santa was a Cabbage Patch Preemie doll. It wasn't just any Cabbage Patch Preemie on my list. I wanted an African American BOY preemie. My best friend's family had been fostering a little boy who I adored. I wanted a doll that was just like Aaron!! I found out later that my grandfather (who was an old school PA Dutch kind of guy) had traipsed all over Allentown looking for THE doll I wanted and did not settle til he found it, although it ended up being a girl. April Priscilla! Another fond Christmas memory of days gone by. Memories of Christmas that make me smile.

My home is decorated to the nines for Christmas! I've got Christmas trees in almost every room, decorations in every room (YES, even the bathroom gets decorated!), and I love to be surrounded by the beauty of Christmas. White lights on the tree, around the door/archways, on decorations; they are the only light I prefer when sitting around at night watching my Christmas movies!!

Christmas music has been playing at my desk since Thanksgiving. I've been wearing Christmas attire since we are back from Thanksgiving break (and I'm sad there wasn't more time between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!). I'm done with the wrapping, the sending of Christmas cards, stocking stuffers have been purchased (slightly disappointed in them this year), and I'm ready to put work in the books for this year (ONE MORE DAY!)!! The dogs have their Christmas collars and bandanas on! I've been told I suffer from O.C.D (Obsessive Christmas Disorder) and to that I say, YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!! I love all things Christmas and sometimes I struggle when others don't share in my affinity for all things Christmas. In my world, Christmas can get here now!!! Hurry Christmas!!!

In my love for all things Christmas, one image will ALWAYS stand out in my memory bank. As a child, we would drive to the next town to visit my grandparents. A storefront on the main street in the town always had a statue in their front window of Santa kneeling at the manger of the Christ Child. It always struck me as profound (even before I knew what profound meant). There was always something about THAT window display that put the meaning of Christmas where it should be. Yes, Christmas is wonderful with the lights, bells, trees, Santa Claus, gifts, music, movies, TV specials, hoopla out the whazoo, but in reality, Christmas is beautiful for the one gift that was unselfishly given to us, in the form of a baby in a manger. The image of Santa kneeling at the Christ Child's manger is a hauntingly beautiful reminder of the TRUE meaning of the season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. May the blessings of Christmas be with you this holiday season and in the days that follow, as we usher in a new year, new decade.

Christmastime is here

It's almost Christmas!! It truly is my favorite time of year (and honestly, my favorite DAY of the year!)!!! I love all things Christmas! The lights!! The colors!! Santa!! SNOW!! The Nativity!! The Christmas Story!! Bells!! Tinsel!! Garland!! Angels!! Balls!! Music!! Movies!!

Christmastime is here. It's my favorite time of the year for so many reasons. I've been determined to keep it my favorite time of year, despite the hand we were dealt with in the last 3 months. This year, Christmas will be so different, but rather than become all mopey about it, I am embracing the change. 

It will be the first year that there will be no children in our house on Christmas morning. 29 years of waking up to one (or both) of my girls in their rooms, patiently waiting to go downstairs to see what Mama Claus delivered during the night has come to an end, as I knew it one day would. And as much as I knew it would, I wasn't quite prepared for it. There is a part of me that is sad at this thought (because it has always been my favorite part of the day - waking up and heading downstairs and seeing their faces at what was under the tree!!!) but there is also a part of me that is so proud at how wonderfully their lives have turned out. Each living in their own homes, creating Christmas traditions with their families. It's a new Christmas for me this year, but I'm ok with that!

This year will be different in that we won't get our usual texts from California. Bill won't get his hour(s) long Christmas phone call from Billy. I'm praying for peace in our hearts this Christmas day, as we go about our day keeping his memory alive and remembering him with happy memories of Christmases past, thanking God for the Christmases we HAD with him. Different. A new normal.

December 25 will also mark our 10th anniversary!! 10 years of being married to the most amazing man I've ever known in my life (next to my dad!). Not even joking when I say, it feels like we've been together forever. Bill always says we have. We've been together in many previous lives and somehow we always manage to find each other over and over again. I believe that, weird as it may sound. When I first met Bill DeHart, I had no idea what changes he would bring to my life. I will forever be thankful our paths crossed again and that we managed to become one. There is NO one else I want to go through life with than my main squeeze!

10 years ago, when Bill proposed the idea of getting married on Christmas Day, in my grandmother's living room (where he proposed to me 2 years prior), I thought he was just kidding around. I wasn't so sure I really wanted to get married again. I was content with life as it was. As often as Bill would say we would get married one day, I swore it was 'never gonna happen' for one reason or another (we have quite a history there!). We managed to throw together an incredible wedding in two weeks time and we got married in front of the Christmas tree in my grandmothers front living room at 4pm on December 25, 2009 by the Mayor of Bowmanstown and in front of family and two special friends! It was my last Christmas with my beloved Grandma Marilyn. It was the best Christmas of my life up to that point. Every Christmas since has been exceptional. I love all things Christmas and hope to spread that Christmas cheer to those I encounter on a daily basis!

Life in the last 10 years: we've traveled a lot, watched our daughters graduate high school and college (a few times), supported our son in his life decision to move across the country, saw our daughter get married, another one get engaged, experienced the heartache of losing our son, added two dogs to the family, produced a CD for the band (YAY BILL!! FOLLOW THAT DREAM, MY LOVE!), and simply enjoyed life TOGETHER. 

Bill, life with you is nothing short of amazing. You keep me smiling when I want to frown, laughing when I want to cry. You support all my crazy ideas and love me through thick and thin. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and I am so blessed that you share that heart with me. Happy 10 years (I know I'm early, but the mood struck for this post so here it is!), Babe!!!!

Wishing everyone who has read this blog a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Joyous New Year. May 2020 be better than 2019!!!

Four words that made a difference

I wasn't going to write again this week, but something happened last night that prompted my urge to write about it. 

During the day yesterday, my wonderfully amazing husband asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him last night. I love when he does things like that. He's a genuinely amazing person, who ALWAYS asks me on a 'date'. Yes, despite the fact that we are older AND have been together forever, he still asks me on date nights!! I was planning on making a broiled salmon for dinner, but without hesitation, I told him I'd love to join him out for dinner! I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want to go out to dinner rather than cook, right???

So, he gets home from work and changes around and off we go. I wasn't sure what I was hungry for so I left it up to him where we'd eat. Since the beginning of July, I've been following the Code Red Lifestyle, which has completely changed my way of eating. It isn't difficult to follow, and I have lost over 60 pounds in a very healthy way. My husband has been extremely supportive of this decision of mine and does his best to accommodate my needs when eating out. I'm never worried....I can always find something on a menu that I choose to eat!

We ended up at a place called The Keystone Pub, which is a favorite spot of his. I was checking out the menu and decided on a Black and Bleu burger with no bun: a blackened burger, bleu cheese crumbles, sauteed onions, bacon, and jalapeno peppers. Delicious!!! When the waitress came around, I asked her for the burger, no bun and a side salad with Ranch dressing. She proceeds to ask me if I want fries or chips with my burger. I told her I didn't need either, just the side salad.

My husband and I sat chatting before our food came out and when it did, he looks over at me and says, "I'm proud of you." 

"Proud of me?" I responded, "Why?"

"Because you've found something that really works for you and you stick to it like it's nothing! You look great!"

Talk about making me feel exceptional? My husband has ALWAYS made me feel like a million bucks. He ALWAYS makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world (or at least the room!). He ALWAYS makes sure I know that he notices the little things. He is one of the most respectful men I've ever met.  

Since starting my new lifestyle, he's been on board to the best of his ability! He's such a foodie! He loves eating out. He loves desserts. He loves food! It's his vice. That being said, he's been supportive of new dinners, new food options, and grocery shopping in a different way than we've been used to. He expresses a genuine interest in what I'm doing.

I truly believe you should be with someone who is proud of you, proud to be with you, proud of your accomplishments. Be with someone who makes you laugh more than cry, lifts you up more than puts you down, listens to you when you have something to say rather than dismissing your ideas or feelings. Be with someone who understands ALL your moods and knows how to make each of them better, and most of all, be with someone who makes YOU a priority. It is my sincere hope that through my relationship with my husband, my daughters have been able to see how a true relationship looks, what it should be like (rather than what they were subjected to when I was married to their father), and how true compromise makes all relationships even stronger.

"I'm proud of you." Four words that meant so very much to me......and I know he meant it, too.

Ok? Not ok. And that's ok.

It has been a rough two months in my life. Very rough. I’m still struggling with a lot of feelings and I am struggling to get myself back, even minimally, to a point of being a self-confident, happy-go-lucky, super thankful me. Lately, it seems like one thing goes wrong after another. I just told a friend of mine that I feel like I’ve been repeatedly kicked in the teeth, but I am expected to smile as if it doesn’t hurt.

Lately, I’ve been stressing out, worrying and not knowing what to do about situations that are not in my control. There have also been days where I wake up and have nothing. No motivation, no desire to do anything, and when I wake up with those feelings, then all of a sudden, BOOM: self-doubt creeps in. She creeps in with her friends self-conscious and worry. The three of them are able to take me down in one fell swoop. One thought. One idea. And then the rest of my day is 'one of those days'.

I know that part of my problem is that I believe I have to be strong all the time. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for the last two months. I feel as though I have to be strong because that’s what people always say to me. ‘You are one of the strongest women I know.’ It saddens me that people see that in me, but fail to see that even the strongest of people hurt from time to time. Right now, the hurt is winning and it is grief on so many levels that cause the hurt. I miss the life we had on September 9, 2019. I miss Billy, my grandma, the lack of self-doubt (that took me YEARS to overcome), I miss life the way it was and I am guessing things will NEVER go back to the way they were on September 9 and before. What I do know, is that admitting that I’m not doing too well with our new normal, isn’t easy, especially because my career is in working with students who are emotionally and behaviorally challenged, many who have mental health issues as well. I work in a mental health related field. And then here I am, being the one who is not ok. I am not ok. I know I need to reach out and talk through my feelings, but at the same time, in my own head, those feelings are not valid and I’m wrong for feeling like this. It’s been a double edged sword for me.

This school year has been especially hard for me. I find myself struggling to embrace the students who need me the most, because I truly am struggling to accept their lack of effort, their lack of care, their lack of ambition. It just doesn’t seem fair to me right now. No matter how I try to twist the facts here, to make it more acceptable to me, I can’t. Day in and day out, I’m dealing with students who just don’t care. I used to think that if I cared enough for both of us, their attitudes would change and they’d see the importance of school, education. This year, I can’t bring myself to care and I hate that about myself right now. I go to work and go through the motions and it shows.

I’ve been extremely thankful for my ‘people’, those who have been there for me to cry to, vent to, scream at, and have just ‘been there’. They haven’t told me things will be fine. They haven’t told me that I need to get over it. They haven’t tried to talk me out of my feelings. They’ve accepted how I feel, listened to WHY I feel the way I do, and are simply there to be there. That’s what I’ve needed through all this. True friendship and sisterhood. I know it’s ok to not be ok, and they know it too. They know that things WILL be ok, eventually, but in my world, things are not ok right now and so they embrace that and help me through that. They never stop believing in me, checking in on me, and not expecting some fake answer when they ask, “How are you today?”

Because my answer is that I’m not really ok, and that’s ok. And I guess I will just keep reminding myself of that and being thankful for my people who will be ok with that answer because they know........

To my husband

To my main squeeze, my Honey Man, the absolute love of my life,

There are a million and one ways I could start this blog, but I think the best way to begin would be to say thank you.

Thank you for choosing me, always. Even when it was difficult for you to do so, you never stopped choosing me or loving me, ever. You are an incredible human being, and I am so incredibly thankful that I was blessed enough to be yours. First loves are fun and fresh, but to be someone's end of the road love, that's something even more incredible. I am so thankful to be your end of the road and I am even more thankful that you are mine. You've shown me love like I've never known before and will never experience again in this lifetime.

Thank you for marrying me. I've said it many times before, but being married to you has changed me for the better. YOU have changed me for the better. Our marriage has proven to be a beautiful union, a true partnership. We are one. Marriage takes two people working together through the easy times as well as the difficulties, leaning on one another through the bad and celebrating with one another through all the good. We've had our share of both. I'm thankful to have been right aside of you through all our ups and downs.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Never let there be any doubt on how much I love you. Through the trials and obstacles, you have loved me through them all. You are my calm in the storm, my rainbow after the rain, my rock when the world is crumbling, my smile when I want to frown. You are not just my best friend, but my everything.

Thank you for never getting tired of hearing me tell you how much I love you. I sometimes feel as though I don't tell you enough (even though I tell you numerous times a day) just how much you mean to me. I would move heaven and earth for you if I could. You truly are my world. I love you more than you could even imagine.....For Now, Forever, For Always!!!!!

Thank you for loving my girls as your own. Your incredible influence in their lives has been such a gift to us. You stepped in when you really didn't have to and have been the best example of what a dad should be. They are better people because of your example, your influence, your love.

Thank you for not giving up on things when life handed us the worst situation in the world to deal with. Thank you for remaining strong in the face of heartbreak. Thank you for wanting me by your side. Thank you for hearing me, understanding me, and allowing me to grieve right along side of you and for never dismissing my hurt. Thank you for keeping me right by your side.

Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for never giving up on me, and for everything in between. We are one. 

Life happens......

Hey there! It's me! Remember me? It's been awhile. Almost a year, to be honest. And if we are being honest, which you KNOW I try to always be, I have to let you in on something.......I'm struggling, a bit, with life. I feel like since October, I've been dealt a relatively crappy hand. I know everything happens for a reason, but these past few months have hit me like a freight train, rumbling through town in the middle of the night. Part of me feels like I've been caught up in Judith Viorst's children's book, Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. Except it isn't just one day, it's been more than I can count.

I've gained weight....a lot of it. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Clothing doesn't fit anymore. I (feel like I) look like a beached whale or the proverbial 'fat lady' in whatever I put on. I'm in constant discomfort and pain, patiently awaiting surgery that (should) fix this. Not the weight part (although sometimes I wish that was the case, too), the pain part. I feel like life has me by the neck and it isn't easy to get out of the grasp. Sleep eludes me on a nightly basis. I've resorted to the pain pills the doctors (again, too many to count since October) have prescribed for me, something I am not happy with. I don't like pills. I don't like having to take medication. I've become miserable. Something I am not proud of. And it sucks. 

I have long (well for the last seven and a half years long) prided myself on being a positive person. Some one who always thinks thankfully, always finds the positive. But you know what? Life is tough sometimes and there is nothing wrong with admitting that. AND, there have been days that have felt like the whole world was crashing down around me. I know you feel that, too. You've had those days, as well. I recently told my mom I could just sit and cry. She told me I needed to and that I don't always have to be the strong one. Do you know what I've learned through all of this? You are allowed to have a bad day. A bit louder for those in the back who may not have heard me: You are allowed to have a bad day. I'm sure you heard that now.

Let's chat a bit about those 'good days'. Good days are so subjective. Whatever a good day is to one person can look very different to another person. I have learned that it is up to each one of us to decide WHAT our days will look like. Be happy if you're feeling happy! Be sad if something is making you sad! Allow yourself to FEEL emotions! Be authentic. That's all anyone wants from people. No one should feel pressured into making everyone believe you’re having a good day if you’re not. That's just not a realistic expectation.

I've utilized my Facebook page, for the past 7 and a half years, as a bit of a journal, if you will. A therapy of sorts, to help me through some very tough times. I look to Facebook to unleash my nightly diatribe of thankfulness for things that happen in my day. I've always believed in the philosophy that if I can't find SOMETHING to be thankful for, then I've done something wrong. There has to be good in every day. And I believe there is. But in doing so, I've also built this false image that things are always roses and butterflies with me in my life. Please don't misunderstand me, I absolutely DO have a great life. I have an amazing husband, phenomenal kids who do phenomenal things, a job I love (more days than not), and I'm relatively happy and positive most days. But I have my moments, much like everyone else. Remember the opening paragraph of this post? THAT'S what I'm feeling at the moment. Yet I still look for the positives. I will attest to the fact that looking for positives in my days has helped me to become happier and less stressed in life, but I also acknowledge the fact that bad days ARE allowed.

A local gym has coined the phrase, POSITIVE IS POWERFUL. And it is. Very much so. While life seems to be handing me all the lemons in the world right now, I'm determined to always find a positive use for them. The reality of life is that your days may not always be good. Some days may outright SUCK. I am a true believer that “not every day is a good day, but there is something good in every day.” Some days you may have to look super hard to find the good, but there will be a positive from whatever situation or day you’ve had. There is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for. Something positive that has turned a frown to a smile, a cry to a laugh, a look of pain into a look of pleasure.

Last week, I saw a quote, I can't remember where I saw it, but it said, "It's OK to share your heart's burdens with others." (if you know where that's from, please let me know) And that it is. On those days that feel like everything is crashing in, everyone is against you, nothing is going right, and you just need to escape it all. Share. Don't carry the burden alone. That is one key to making it through those complete shit days. Lean on those who lift you up, who sing your song to you when you forget the words, who never judge you, and who always tend to be there for you.

Life is tricky. Stay the course and remember, it's ok to have a bad day. One bad day does NOT equal a bad life, even when things tend to appear to be the case. This too shall pass.......

Until next time......Think Thankfully!