The Tuesday struggle is real

If you follow me on Instagram, you saw my post from today. It's Tuesday and I really have come to hate Tuesdays. I feel like everything bad that has ever happened in my life has happened on a Tuesday. I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer ON A TUESDAY. My beloved Grandma Marilyn died ON A TUESDAY. My stepson died ON A TUESDAY. And it wasn't until Billy's death that I realize just how crappy Tuesdays have been in my life. And I'm sure it's all in my head, but......

This Tuesday started out with an overdraft charge in my checking account (still trying to figure that one out), Penny puking all over my carpeting 10 minutes before having to leave for work (DISGUSTING), and being in a real shitty mood. I heard Martina McBride's version of Silent Night on the radio on my way to work and cried buckets. That song always does me in, but today it was a million times worse. And I can't figure out why the Siri doesn't work in my car (hands free stuff) all of a sudden (which is trivial, I know but today it set me over the edge). It's Tuesday. And as much as I always taught my girls, when having a bad day, "Momma says some days are like that, even in Australia." (thanks Alexander), I can't shake the complete disdain for Tuesdays.

So, in addition to all that, I've been struggling a lot with some inner demons regarding Billy and where I (honestly) fit into his life. Billy and I had a 'different' kind of relationship. I came into his life when he was older, so it wasn't a typical stepparent/stepkid (hate those terms) kind of relationship where we had to 'figure' each other out. I never felt resented or disliked as his stepmom (and if he did feel that way, I NEVER felt it) but due to the physical distance that always separated us, time spent together was always far and few between. My most treasured memory of time spent JUST with Billy happened on our trip to New Orleans for his 29th Mardi Gras birthday. We shared a great morning walking the French Quarter and having breakfast, just the two of us. I wish I could go back to that time...... When he moved to California, my time spent with him became non-existent. It was so much easier for his dad to go visit him (being that he works for himself and could take the time - unlike me, who had to be careful of time taken off during the school year). Sure we made plans, and Billy always asked when I was coming out so he could show me Cali, but for one reason or another, I never made that happen. Enter regret.

I always tried to make sure that he knew where he stood in our lives, in MY life. I always tried to make sure he knew how proud I was to call him 'son'. I always tried to make sure he knew just how much I loved his dad, because if ANYONE loved his dad more than I did, it was Billy. But was it enough? Was it enough?

Being Billy's 'stepmom' was an easy role to have in his life. I always respected the fact that he had a mom (and a good one, too) and so I never ever pretended to be something I wasn't. I was always fully aware that I was NOT his mom. Bill and I would discuss Billy things and I could always give Bill my opinion, advice, suggestions, but ultimately, my opinions were just that. Opinions. I was able to offer my advice to Billy if and when he'd come to me with a situation. That didn't happen often, but when it did, I remember riding Cloud 9. Random texts would put me in a good mood for days!!! I miss that. I miss the outreach. I miss texts and check ins. I miss the kid.

The love and pride in my heart for him was immense. IS immense. It was a different love for a child. I was fully aware I didn't give birth to him, but my goodness did I love him as my own, and in our family, my own two daughters referred to him as 'their brother'. He was part of our family and I often wonder I did enough to make him feel that. It's a constant struggle for me right now. I struggle with if I was enough for him. Did I do a good enough job as his stepmom for him to never question my intentions or my feelings towards him or where he fit with us? I'm pretty sure this all stems from some events that took place in the weeks after Billy passed away, where my own feelings felt challenged and disregarded. It could also stem from really wishing I could get a response from all the texts I've been sending. I miss seeing 'Love ya 2' come back to me after sending a text. I've stopped texting (as much) because the lack of response has been tough. I seriously keep checking my phone, expecting SOMETHING back. ANYTHING. That void is crippling. I know he's not there, but I want him to be. And perhaps it's because Thanksgiving is two days away, and I'm not sure I'm ready for the holidays to arrive because it will be 'different' this year. My heart is just not ready for any of it, and I don't know that it ever will be ready.

Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process. Perhaps these doubts that have crept in are all part of losing a part of our lives. Perhaps I need to stop replaying some of the events of the past 11 weeks. Perhaps. Being stuck in your own thoughts is tough to navigate out of. Today, my own head is my worst enemy. I know what's in my head and heart but uncertainty has become my demon today and it is bringing me down. 

I'm going to try to follow the quote image above....it's a wonderful twofold reminder for me and I have to do better at remembering. I try not to cry because the sun (son) is gone....I need to look to the stars and remember what a bright guiding star we have now. I find some comfort in that and in that comfort there is hope.

I know I'll rise above and will be ok as I work through all this. If you've taken the time to read this rambling post, THANK YOU. As I always say, it's so much easier to write my feelings than speak them.

Life happens......

Hey there! It's me! Remember me? It's been awhile. Almost a year, to be honest. And if we are being honest, which you KNOW I try to always be, I have to let you in on something.......I'm struggling, a bit, with life. I feel like since October, I've been dealt a relatively crappy hand. I know everything happens for a reason, but these past few months have hit me like a freight train, rumbling through town in the middle of the night. Part of me feels like I've been caught up in Judith Viorst's children's book, Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. Except it isn't just one day, it's been more than I can count.

I've gained weight....a lot of it. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Clothing doesn't fit anymore. I (feel like I) look like a beached whale or the proverbial 'fat lady' in whatever I put on. I'm in constant discomfort and pain, patiently awaiting surgery that (should) fix this. Not the weight part (although sometimes I wish that was the case, too), the pain part. I feel like life has me by the neck and it isn't easy to get out of the grasp. Sleep eludes me on a nightly basis. I've resorted to the pain pills the doctors (again, too many to count since October) have prescribed for me, something I am not happy with. I don't like pills. I don't like having to take medication. I've become miserable. Something I am not proud of. And it sucks. 

I have long (well for the last seven and a half years long) prided myself on being a positive person. Some one who always thinks thankfully, always finds the positive. But you know what? Life is tough sometimes and there is nothing wrong with admitting that. AND, there have been days that have felt like the whole world was crashing down around me. I know you feel that, too. You've had those days, as well. I recently told my mom I could just sit and cry. She told me I needed to and that I don't always have to be the strong one. Do you know what I've learned through all of this? You are allowed to have a bad day. A bit louder for those in the back who may not have heard me: You are allowed to have a bad day. I'm sure you heard that now.

Let's chat a bit about those 'good days'. Good days are so subjective. Whatever a good day is to one person can look very different to another person. I have learned that it is up to each one of us to decide WHAT our days will look like. Be happy if you're feeling happy! Be sad if something is making you sad! Allow yourself to FEEL emotions! Be authentic. That's all anyone wants from people. No one should feel pressured into making everyone believe you’re having a good day if you’re not. That's just not a realistic expectation.

I've utilized my Facebook page, for the past 7 and a half years, as a bit of a journal, if you will. A therapy of sorts, to help me through some very tough times. I look to Facebook to unleash my nightly diatribe of thankfulness for things that happen in my day. I've always believed in the philosophy that if I can't find SOMETHING to be thankful for, then I've done something wrong. There has to be good in every day. And I believe there is. But in doing so, I've also built this false image that things are always roses and butterflies with me in my life. Please don't misunderstand me, I absolutely DO have a great life. I have an amazing husband, phenomenal kids who do phenomenal things, a job I love (more days than not), and I'm relatively happy and positive most days. But I have my moments, much like everyone else. Remember the opening paragraph of this post? THAT'S what I'm feeling at the moment. Yet I still look for the positives. I will attest to the fact that looking for positives in my days has helped me to become happier and less stressed in life, but I also acknowledge the fact that bad days ARE allowed.

A local gym has coined the phrase, POSITIVE IS POWERFUL. And it is. Very much so. While life seems to be handing me all the lemons in the world right now, I'm determined to always find a positive use for them. The reality of life is that your days may not always be good. Some days may outright SUCK. I am a true believer that “not every day is a good day, but there is something good in every day.” Some days you may have to look super hard to find the good, but there will be a positive from whatever situation or day you’ve had. There is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for. Something positive that has turned a frown to a smile, a cry to a laugh, a look of pain into a look of pleasure.

Last week, I saw a quote, I can't remember where I saw it, but it said, "It's OK to share your heart's burdens with others." (if you know where that's from, please let me know) And that it is. On those days that feel like everything is crashing in, everyone is against you, nothing is going right, and you just need to escape it all. Share. Don't carry the burden alone. That is one key to making it through those complete shit days. Lean on those who lift you up, who sing your song to you when you forget the words, who never judge you, and who always tend to be there for you.

Life is tricky. Stay the course and remember, it's ok to have a bad day. One bad day does NOT equal a bad life, even when things tend to appear to be the case. This too shall pass.......

Until next time......Think Thankfully!

....some days are like this, even in Australia

There will be days when you feel like the world is crumbling beneath your feet, as if every good thing you have ever done has been trumped by something or someone else. There will be days when you wonder if you can keep going along this path, like you continue to take every wrong turn along the way. There will be days that test your patience and build your character, days that you simply do whatever it takes to make it through without hurting someone or saying something you will end up regretting. There will be days when you just want to put your head down and cry. There will be days when you really want to quit, when you just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today is one of those days for me.

There will be days just like these throughout your life because you’re human after all. But just remember that it’s on days like this that the true reflection of who you are shines through.  It’s on days like this that you show the world what you are made of.

To quote one of my favorite storybook characters, Alexander, “Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.” My strength, patience, and fortitude have been tested to their outermost limits today. Today has been one of those days that has me questioning everything about my life as I know it, with the exception of my relationships. I’m feeling pretty solid about those, and it feels good to come home from a day like this to a loving husband, who allows me to vent! God Bless him. 

As my own terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day progressed on, I received a message on the great book of Faces from a friend who needed some ‘positive’ advice. It killed me. At that moment in time, I seriously wanted to say…..’ASK SOMEONE ELSE, MY LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW’, but I did not. I knew I was needed. I knew THIS is why I created Think Thankfully. This is one of my gifts to the world and there was no way I was letting her down. I told her I’d message her back when I got home and had a clearer head. And then it struck me…..

Sometimes it pays to actually take your own advice.  Although to be honest, today will probably not go into the archives of my life as the absolutely worst day of my life, on a professional level it ranks very high on the list.  While many tell me to take all the stuff being placed before me as an indication of how wonderful my classroom is run, that does not help me…..the perfectionist, the teacher with the high standards not just for her students but for herself, the one who feels that no matter how good I am, I’ll always be dumped on and no one listens. Yes, I’m venting. Yes, this is my outlet. Do I love my job….yes, but I don’t love the sincere tests of my ability that I have been up against lately. Today, I’m feeling as though my best will always get me more frustrations.

I came home today completely stressed with my blood pressure beginning to skyrocket, tears welling in my eyes, my voice reaching abnormal altitudes when talking, and I immediately hit the Cool Ranch Doritos (in case you missed it, I’m a serious stress eater). As I sat here, breaking out the Microsoft Word to write my frustrations away, it occurred to me that I’d be giving people some sort of advice with this blog. But what advice would I be giving when the world seems to be walking all over you? What could I possibly say to anyone to make a terrible day seem not so terrible? How do I seriously handle situations (or days) like this? Well, here’s what we do:

We faced the trouble head on.  When those worst of days come rushing at us like an out of control freight train, it never does any good to try to live in denial of what is happening.  At best, it will just prolong the agony.  So what do we do? We face it.  It is there.  We cannot deny it or ignore it. For me, I cannot change the events that are happening. I’ve got absolutely NO CONTROL over the end result, but I do have control over what happens after and that might be ok for me. Rather that wallow in self-pity and stress, I will face what comes along. Perhaps I can be like Superman and just stretch out my arms and stop it all, but that’s highly unlikely, so face it I will!

We control what we can in the situation and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. When we face what we feel might just be the worst day of our life, either we should take control of what we can or we just accept that there is nothing we can really do.  

From time to time, our days will be filled with complete and utter chaos and frustration. There will be days when we want to pack it in, quit, walk away. There will be times when we cannot control what is happening, but rather we must deal with the hand that’s dealt us. Face those difficulties head on. Control what you can. And in the end, realize….’Mom says there are days like this, even in Australia.’

Until tomorrow, my friends….

Think Thankfully!!!!