In 9 year's time

Today would have been my grandma's birthday. Today, it is 9 birthdays we've had without her. Today, I miss her a little more. It's been a long 9 years for me, but at some times, it feels like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. 9 years. In 9 year's time: my oldest daughter graduated from undergraduate school AND graduate school, she's gotten married, and has moved to a different state than the one she was born and raised in. In 9 year's time: my youngest graduated from high school, and is about to graduate with her undergraduate degree. She's been accepted to a university to obtain her graduate degree. She's engaged and they just bought a home. In 9 year's time: I got a dog. A little floof face who was named Gus. Gus was sent to me by my grandmother to help me deal with the feeling of sadness following my youngest heading off to college (but I have a feeling I'll blog more about that some other time). In 9 year's time………

In 9 year's time: life went on after her death. I remember when my grandma passed away, the anger I had pent up, the feeling of disgust that while I had just lost the one person that meant the world to me, people were still going about their lives as if nothing had happened. And to them, it hadn't. This was MY loss, this was MY sudden halt in life. I would look around and people were still singing along to the radio in their cars as they drove by. People are still going out to eat at their favorite restaurants. People were still moving along with their life, and I had just suffered such a major loss in my life. No matter how much things had come to a total stop for me….life just kept going on around me.

It has taken me 9 years to be able to attend church on a regular basis, comfortably. It has taken me 9 years to be able to acknowledge my grandmother's birthday without spending the day in mourning. Mourning my loss. It has taken me 9 years to make it through February 2, the absolute worst day of my life, without crying most of the day. It has taken me 9 years to climb out of the hole I had been in, a hole the loss of my grandmother had opened up and swallowed me into.

I was just talking to a distant cousin of mine, whom I grew up with, as he just lost his mom. I finally felt strong enough to admit to him that life does not get easier, time does not heal all wounds, and that we never truly get over the hurt that suffering a loss causes. Eventually, we smile a bit more, and the pain might just go away for a little but the ache is always there. And it's deep. At least for me it is.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my grandma. I miss her as the day is long. In 9 year's time I have thought of her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss her terribly. I still love her longingly. And I will forever feel the pain of losing her.

Reliving the memories of someone you loved and lost will incite emotion. And that emotion will be both joyous and painful. But the pain isn’t a good enough reason to forget about the joy. For too long, I allowed to pain to overtake any other emotion. As time went on, I started to forget the good moments….the perfect cup of tea, the smell of her soap, how amazing pickled cabbage from the local diner tasted with just a hint more sugar in it, and the sound of her voice. 

In 9 year's time, I've grown. I've experienced more loss, I've experienced growth, and in 9 year's time, I've continued to keep my grandma's light burning bright. I will miss her until the day I take my last breath and I know the ache in my heart will never go away, but because I loved her the way I did, she will always be an ever present force in my life, just from a different perspective.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal"

Until next time....Think Thankfully

A picture is worth a thousand words (or 4 generations, at least)

If you've read the most recent of my blogs (since I fell off the blogging bandwagon a little bit ago), you are aware that my oldest daughter was recently married to the love of her life. In the blog that was posted about the wedding, I spoke of how much I missed my grandparents and had wished they could have been physically present at their great granddaughter's wedding. I didn't fib. That is true. I miss them terribly and if I could have had one wish for my daughter's wedding day, it would have been to spend just THIS day with my Grandma Marilyn, Pappy Lester, and Pappy Wip. Just to have THOSE three back for just one more day.....

But that's not the purpose of this blog today. Today, I want to talk about the picture right up ^there ^! Truth be told, I heard my daughter talking to the photographer about the 'special' picture she wanted. Having no idea what it was, I really didn't pay much attention to the rest of the conversation. I figured she knew what she was doing (since everything was looking perfect up to that point).

While three of my grandparents had a different vantage point of this big day, one very special lady WAS physically present at the wedding. My last living grandparent, Alyssa's GREAT-Grandmother LaRue, in all her 87 years of absolute beauty, was sitting front row, as proud as I've ever seen her! My Gram is truly one of my life's biggest blessings.

I feel like I can identify with her, to a degree. No, I'm not even close to 87 years old (although sometimes I feel it), but my Gram and I have many likenesses, many shared experiences. The year was around 1957. LaRue Rehrig was married and had 5 beautiful little girls, ranging in age from 12-3 years old, when her husband decided he didn't want to be married to her anymore. And he left. My Gram, the strongest woman I know, was left to care for her five girls pretty much on her own, doing what she could and what she had to in order to keep a roof over their heads. That lasted for about 3 years (ish), until my grandfather, my Pappy Wip, came into the picture and 'rescued' my Gram and her girls. Pap brought with him my Uncle Rod, Uncle Fred, and eventually, my Aunt Deb. It was like an early version of the Brady Bunch. And it worked. And they loved each other deeply for the next 50 some years (although they were only married part of that time). And together, they built a legacy! My stepson made the comment at Alyssa's wedding that SHE, my GRAM, was solely responsible for more than half the people at the wedding. He pretty much wasn't kidding. And she was soooooo proud to be there.

In a parallel life, years later, I found myself married with 2 beautiful girls, when my husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I did the best I could to be the best mother to my girls during some very tough times, much like my Gram did for her girls. Eventually, the love of my life came along and he rescued me and my girls. And we love each other deeply (and will for a long time to come)! And together, we are working on our legacy.

So, when Lynn, the amazing photographer at the wedding (Photography by Lynn, check her out!), called for me, my Mom, and my Gram to come over to her and Alyssa, I assumed we were getting a 4 generation picture together in the church. I was slightly wrong. My daughter wanted a generational picture of our hands, with our wedding rings, atop her bouquet. The result is what you see here. And this picture means so much to me, and my Mom. These hands represent years of love. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think this picture is priceless. My Grandma's hands have worked hard in her life and she has given us all a fine example of unconditional love. She loves entirely, deeply, and equally. She is a true blessing. She is my Gram.

Until next time.......Think Thankfully!

Happy Birthday Grandma

The year was 1928. The President of the United States was Calvin Coolidge until the November election in which Herbert Hoover defeated Alfred E Smith. Mickey Mouse appeared in Steamboat Willie. Amelia Earhart became the first woman to successfully cross the Atlantic Ocean. The US was in the middle of the prohibition and it was a time known as the Roaring Twenties.

1928. This year welcomed Walter Mondale, Maya Angelou, Shirley Temple, and Adam West into this great big world. It also welcomed into the world one of the most beautiful and amazing people I know: My Grandma LaRue. Today, she turns a whopping 87 years old!! My gift to her is this blog posting even though I know she will never see it.....

Dear Grandma,

Today is your 87th birthday.  It gives me great pride to be writing you this letter today. It means you are still here to enjoy life with all of us, a simple fact that I cherish each and every day. I thank God for allowing you to see another birthday and I pray each day that God allows you to see many more! You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. I sincerely hope you know how grateful I am for you. You have played a significant role in shaping who I am becoming as a person. You may not realize this but you are the one of the most incredible sources of constant, consistent, and unsolicited encouragement in my life. When I think of you, I know I am loved. I know when I call that you will lift my mood and put a smile on my face, and you will do what you can if there is a need. Sometimes in the difficult times of being an adult, it is nice to know there is someone I can turn to who will just make things better, simply by offering a small piece of advice. On this, your birthday, all I can say is thank you. Thanks for showing me love that is not based on my performance in life. Thank you for always being there for me during my 42 years of life. Thanks for egg sandwiches, a candy cupboard, ham barbeque, and sodas. Thanks for Christmas memories at 801 Delaware, family Christmas parties, and being a Bingo nut. Thanks for always believing in me. Thanks for showing me what kind of legacy a grandparent can leave in the life of her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I hope I have the same privilege in the lives of my future grandchildren. Happy Birthday, Grandma. I love you so very much.

All my love and respect,

Your firstborn granddaughter

Until tomorrow, my friends........Think Thankfully



Sorry, I've been MIA, but I'm back! Did ya miss me?!?!?!

Hey there! Did you miss me? Sorry I've been MIA and I sincerely apologize for the big delay in blog postings. I've been a combination of busy AND had a bit of a lack of motivation. I warned you that the beginning of the month of February was a rough time for me. I've spent a lot of time this past week (or so) simply thinking. Thankfully, I did not allow myself to drown in self pity, sadness, or wallow in grief, but I did take some time to really think.

Last Sunday was a very emotional day for me. It marked 4 years since my grandma passed away. It is always a very tough time for me, as I was always a grandma's girl. No secret there. My grandma was my world. I know I post a lot about her and you have heard it a million times. It really is no secret. Losing her felt like losing a huge chunk of my heart. I was pretty sure I would NEVER get over it. But I have. Now, in saying that, I do not mean that I am over the fact that I no longer have my grandma in the physical here and now, but I am over the deep sadness and loss I have felt for 4 long years.

There are a few truths I am able to accept with regards to losing my grandma. First of all, my grandma is where she wanted to be since April of 2007. She is at home and with my grandfather. Second, she wants me to be happy. And third, she will NEVER leave me. It has taken me quite some time and a lot of thinking (plus a few 'visits' with the help of my wonderful friend who is a spiritual medium) for me to realize that my hurt and grief are all so selfish of me.

So, as I sit here tonight, I can honestly say that I am no longer angry and bitter at losing my grandma. Not even one little bit. I'm thankful I have her with me all the time, watching and guiding me. I'm thankful I can still 'talk' to her and that she hears me. I'm thankful that I have a 'connection' to her and when I most need her, she makes herself known. I'm thankful that I've been shown the 'light' and have come to accept this. AND, I am also thankful I do not have to drink another Moxie (unless I really want to!!!).

I guess it is safe to say, I'm back! Did ya miss me???

Think Thankfully!

Hustle and bustle....and quick fleeting moments.

So, the hustle and bustle of the holidays is coming to a quick close. Last night we met up with our son and his girlfriend for the Christmas exchange! Always a great time with the two of them. They are heading to Maine today for a New Years Eve Wedding of a friend. My Firstborn headed to Long Island yesterday to meet her wonderful boyfriend's family. The youngest's basketball tournament is over (yay for being Tournament Champs two years in a row!!!) and so the long days of sitting in a gym watching basketball has been put on hold (at least until regular season play resumes on January 3!!!). The holiday season (and subsequently vacation time) is coming to a screeching halt right before my eyes.

When I was a little girl, I was always told that as I got older, the time would fly by faster. Never understood it when people said that to me. Heck, isn't a minute a minute and a day a day? Now, NOW I understand. I was so eager to have a nice, nearly two week, break from school to spend time with those I love. I had plans to get a lot done over these days off. Yeah, not so much. Oh, I've enjoyed the time I had with my children, but I see now, how quickly life passes us by. Ferris Bueller was right on the mark when he said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Life is moving pretty fast. The years are passing us by ever so quickly. I have learned to cherish the moments life brings to me, especially ones with my grandma. After losing my other grandma almost 4 years ago, I have often felt as though towards the end of her life, I didn't spend nearly enough time with her. She lived only one block from me and yet, I didn't make it a point to spend the time with her that I should have. Not this time. I have learned to capture all the moments I can with my only living grandparent, my dear sweet Grandma LaRue. I managed to get this gem on Christmas Day.....my beautiful grandma and I. At 85 years young, I know my time with her could be very short lived, although with her spirit and spunk, I have a feeling I'll have her for at least 15 more years!!  She's got things to see, great grandkids to spoil, LIFE TO LIVE!!! She truly makes me appreciate how fleeting our time here is.

Yes, the hustle and bustle of the season is coming to an end.  Hopefully you took some time this holiday season to completely appreciate those in your life. It's not about the gift giving of material possessions, but rather the gift of your time. Don't let the business of the days in your life stop you from reaching out, lending your time, sharing a smile, giving of your heart.

Until tomorrow, my friends....enjoy what's left of the season.......

Think Thankfully!!!!