What's your legacy gonna be?

Legacy is defined in the dictionary as “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor from the past.”  Given this definition, a legacy is not something that we have complete control over; after all, we cannot control how other people perceive us, we can only control our own actions. We can only live our lives the way we see fit and hope that whatever we are doing leaves a mark, leaves others constantly reminded of us. Right?

I’ve been struggling with this idea lately. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it since September. I know Billy left a legacy behind. People want to be like Billy. Live a life as he did….full and free! Billy always made you wish you had what he had…..fire in his soul. Yet, he wasn’t the type to be in your face about it. What we must do is inspire through our own actions much like Billy did. Billy didn’t just think about doing things, or tell others to do them; he went out and got things done on his own! He epitomized the Maya Angelou quote referenced at the top of the blog: "If you're going to live, leave a legacy. Make a mark in the world that can't be erased."

That has gotten me to think about my own life. What legacy will I leave for people who knew me? What mark am I leaving in the world? Right now, I’m quite frustrated with work. While I am thankful for my current position, I feel unfulfilled. Listening to a former classroom aide (and friend) of mine talk of what it was like being in the classroom with me, hearing former students recall favorite moments with me, parents who still tell me they miss me teaching their child…..it all adds up to a frustrated me at the moment. I do not toot my own horn, but one thing I do know is that I am a damn good teacher. And I do miss teaching. I do not miss the lesson planning, the grading, the dealing with behaviors, etc….but I miss delivering lessons with a certain savoir faire. I miss seeing the 'lightbulb' moments. I miss the excitement that my teaching brought to my students which in turn made them excited about learning. My husband says, there's always two sides to every situation. He's right. While I am no longer being hit, kicked, spit on, bitten, assaulted, verbally abused, etc and I am thankful for that, I feel as though I am also no longer really teaching. Not the way I enjoy teaching, that is.

Today, I found out that a girl I played basketball against in high school passed away after two bouts with breast cancer. She was 46. I read articles about her and again, my heart sank. She made her mark, on and off the court, first as a player, then as a coach. And in between all that, she was a very respected Special Education Teacher. She made such a difference. I’m sure she knew it, too, but yet like Billy, she wasn’t in your face about it. She just did it. It was how she lived her life.

I often wonder if I’m doing this whole ‘life’ thing right. I watch news stories and movies, read books and articles about teachers who make a difference, deliver ‘hard love’ to their students, tell students what they NEED to hear, not what they want to hear, make a difference. Sometimes it is super frustrating because that has been the premise of my entire teaching career (which began in May 1995). I feel like I never have it right, though, never landing the ‘dream job’, never being fully recognized for what I do and how I do it. Sounds like I’m looking for praise and accolades, doesn’t it? That’s not it. Not at all. Please read this as a reflective piece, an entry where I am searching for myself rather than a pity me post looking for praise and adoration.

I’ve recently started to dive into astrological horoscopes, birth charts, etc. I’m not saying that I believe in them fully, but I do find it funny that today, one of the changes to my chart noted that I’m struggling in the area of self, specifically a desire that is creating constraints. That area of my astrological chart spelled out that I find myself frustrated in the field of my natural talents (subsequently prompting this blog after one I had wanted to write fizzled out before my eyes). It went on to say that the frustrations I’m feeling will see their beginnings in the new ideas and experiences I’ve been craving along with circumstances surrounding my career or social life. An endless array of irritation and obstacles will affect finding not just a new job, but a new industry. Begs the question of how real is this astrological stuff.

Will I leave a legacy behind me? Will I ever reach my full potential in the areas of my natural talents? I guess time will tell…..but I will always have Billy in the back of my mind, pushing me to do better, be better, live life with zest, and never settle for mediocre when I can be AMAZING!

In addition to half-assedly reading the astrological outlook for my day, I also receive angel messages from Archangel Michael every day at noon. Those I believe in wholeheartedly. As I am finishing up this blog posting, today's daily angel message was delivered to me: 'Speak with optimism and faith about your finances, health, and relationships as your outlook does affect your outcomes.' Hmmmmmmmm. Timely reminder today. And so I shall.......

Soapbox rant that EVERYONE needs to read!

I'm going to write about something that has been bothering me for quite some time, yet I've never written it out in hopes of processing it. After a recent conversation with someone, this entire topic has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart.

In chatting recently with someone I love and respect, the conversation shifted (a bit uneasily, too) to the topic of child support. This person was counting down to their child's graduation from high school so they no longer have to pay support for that child. Someone else asked about college and supporting the child through college, and the person I was speaking to made the comment, "Nope. Not required. I'm done at high school graduation." 

Perhaps I am a tad jaded as I was raised by both my parents, who helped support me (and my daughter - yes, I was a teenage mother, and I like to think a damn good one) until I moved out of their house. I guess, in my world, your child doesn't stop needed help or support just because they graduate high school. In fact, I think that's when support becomes even more important. I found myself in this same situation through my divorce from my first husband. He, too, felt as though his continual support simply ended the day his girls graduated high school. There was no financial support given throughout either of their years at college. College loans (co-signing a loan doesn't mean SHIT as far as actual financial support goes, Jackwagon), gas money, fun money, money on meal plan accounts, books, supplies, dorm room set up, moving in, etc.....that has all been supported by me and their (bonus) dad. One can brag that they co-signed a loan for college, but by all means, and I'll say it again, LOUDER for those in the back who didn't hear me the first time ... that doesn't mean SHIT unless you are actually PAYING the loan. It's a signature, it's NOT financial support for your child (unless they default the loan - and if you know either of my girls, you know that isn't going to happen.).

I'm still trying to understand this mindset. IF both parents remained married, would you support your child throughout college, providing for their continual needs as they work to better themselves? Or would you send them off to their institution of higher education with a dream and a hope and absolutely NO financial help at all? I call bullshit to the latter of the two.

As the primary guardian for both my girls after my divorce, I saw the expenses pile up year after year PRIOR to the end of support and trust me, it didn't lessen when they went off to college. I did my best to help my girls financially as they went on to better themselves in careers. Thankfully, my amazing husband helped out considerably. He helped provide what they needed and financially helped to support two girls who were not biologically his, simply because THAT'S what a parent does. Their bonus dad is the epitome of the 'dad that didn't have to be'.

I wish I understood how people can simply NOT support their children, regardless of their age. Hell, I'm 46 years old and my parents STILL help me out when I need it. And I STILL do what I can for my girls when they need me. I haven't cast them out simply because they 'grew up'. And I know for a fact, the person in the original conversation is helped by their parents at times as well. 

For now, I'll end this soapbox rant and hope that the right people read this blog. I'd love to speak to politicians and work to make support mandatory for children who go on to schooling of any type after high school in order to better themselves, SO if you know of any politicians who might like to pick up this battle and fight it with me, get them in touch with me. This is now my fight. For the kids!!!

Until next time!

Springsteen to the rescue - again!

My goodness did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. In fact, I didn't even wake up on MY side of MY bed. I woke up in the guest bedroom after being booted from my bed by the dogs. Gus normally sleeps in bed with us, but Penny, well, she's just too large to sleep on the bed (and I know many people will say they don't belong on our bed to begin with, but HUSH....my house, my rules). When my day actually started, I was out of sorts and in a pissy mood, for lack of a better term, just ask my husband.

I left late for work and as I entered the highway, my phone rang. It was my supervisor. Normally, I'm well on my way by the time she had called, but today, NOPE. Wasn't a huge deal, but enough to throw off my already crapshoot of a morning. Pulled into the parking lot at the time I'm supposed to be in my classroom and I truly hate feeling rushed. My own fault today, I get that.

An email regarding the phone system at work set me off on a vocal tirade, to which a coworker commented about my mood first thing. Wake up call. As I sat here looking at my computer screen that had all my favorite Sirius channels listed, I gazed through the listing and immediately saw that Thunder Road was playing on E Street Radio. That's it. I'm listening to Channel 20 because if ANYONE can relate to my moods, it's Springsteen. And the best part is, he doesn't even know it!!!!

Throughout my life....well, since I was in the 4th grade and a mere girl of 10 years old....Bruce Springsteen has spoken to me. Ok, HE hasn't actually spoken to me, but his lyrics have. It was hearing Thunder Road for the first time that captivated me with this man who would later become the one entity that could always get me through the rough times in my life. Thunder Road is the one song that has always given me hope in trying times, sunshine on my grey sky days, a smile when the corners of my mouth want to dip into a frown.

I wasn't sure how my "I'm listening to nothing but Springsteen today" would go over with my coworkers, but truth be told, I didn't really care. Much like the 'my house my rules' attitude I have, it's kind of like a 'my Sirius my computer my music choice' attitude as well! No apologies here. It is a good thing my aide enjoys the music of Springsteen, too!

So, here I sit, listening to an episode of Be The Boss on E Street Radio, smiling through someone's song choices and listening to how Springsteen has affected their lives as well. It's a weird thing, how the music of one man can do that; can bring people together and make us realize that we are not alone in our struggles, happiness, and love for all things Springsteen. I reflect on the many concerts I've been to, the time I was the Boss on E Street Radio, the front row experience, the back to back night experience, and the many times his music has gotten me through a rough time.

Today, it is 4 months since losing Billy. I know that's weighing heavily on my heart and mind. Today, I will allow Mr Springsteen to help me through all my feelings and emotions, as only his music can do. Maybe, I'll get a message in one of the songs, maybe I'll hear something I missed the million other times I've heard a song, and maybe I'll somehow feel the weight of this lift from my shoulders.

Maybe.

For now, I'll listen with open ears and an open heart. And one day, when I am fortunate enough to meet Mr Springsteen, I will thank him for always coming to my rescue. A girl can dream......

Goodbye 2019

For those who know me in RL (real life), you know that this year has been really shitty for me. It feels as though, in a 12 month year, I've had 2 months of actual enjoyment and 10 months of pure shit.

My 2019 shit-storm began in the beginning of January when my L5-S1 disc ruptured (unbeknownst to me - I seriously thought it was sciatica) and rendered me pretty much incapacitated for the next 4 months. The pain was extremely unbearable (let it be known that I have an extremely high tolerance for pain) and rendered me absolutely incapable of enjoying much in life. After a few months of chiropractic care, my wonderful chiropractor refused to treat me anymore. He knew there was more to my story than he could help with and made sure I saw an orthopedic spine doctor. Needless to say, that ended up with surgery scheduled.

April 2, my world changed completely, as I underwent spinal surgery to clean out my spinal column. Apparently, when my disc ruptured, the entire contents of the L5-S1 disc settled in the base of my spinal canal and was cutting off the S1, S2, and S3 nerve routes to my left leg. I had no feeling in my left leg for 4 months. 4 long months. Do the math. January - April = 4 months. Both the PA and the surgeon told me they haven’t seen THAT much disc matter expelled from a disc in a LOOOOOONG time. When I do things, I do them big. 

So, the story continues..... I had surgery on April 2, 2019. What should have been a routine, easy surgery, ended up taking a lot longer to heal, keeping me from work for the remainder of the school year. We had a trip planned, a cruise to Alaska, for the middle of June. I feared traveling by plane from Newark to Seattle, then a cruise from Seattle to Alaska and back, and then a flight back from Seattle to Newark. Travel was not extremely easy, but we did have a good time on our trip. We arrived back home at the end of June and at that point in time, I chose to reclaim my life.

From October 2018 through the end of June, I had gained a lot of weight. I was ashamed of how I looked, how I felt. I decided to do something about it. I began following the Code Red Lifestyle at the end of June and my weight came off and I started feeling real good about myself, for the first time in a long time. 

I returned to school at the start of the 2019-2020 school year. Life was seemingly getting back to somewhat of a normal. And then......

September struck.

I remember September 10, 2019 like it was yesterday. Fire alarm at 2:00pm. Text messages telling me PA State Troopers were at my house. I didn't understand. I couldn't comprehend. Never in a million years did I expect them to be there because something was wrong with one of our children. I seriously thought the worst of my husband, something I am utterly ashamed to have believed.

We lost Billy on September 10. We lost one of his best friends, Tim, on September 24, and then, as we were leaving the Newark Airport, after a 10 day stay in California, on September 29, I got word that my grandma had less than 18-ish, hours to live. I lost her on September 30. 

The last three months of 2019 have SUCKED. We attended 5 services for Billy. One for Tim. One for my Grandma. I'm emotionally spent. 2019 sucked. I had two good months. July. August. Since September, life has truly been hard.

I am looking forward to 2020 because I really believe it HAS to be better than 2019 was. The love of my life has an album that will be officially released in January, we have some vacation plans in the works (Florida and Florida, some more)!!! We will celebrate a college graduation in May, two big birthdays (one in September and one in November) with a weeklong trip to Disney in November, and praying for travel blessings to attend a wedding in California in June. There is a lot of good on the horizon and I have to keep focused on that. I have to believe that 2020 will be better. 

I'm anxiously awaiting midnight, when I can say GOODBYE 2019 and welcome in a new year. One that (hopefully) brings about new beginnings and some happiness, because Lord knows, we sure could use it.

Happy New Year. Celebrate responsibly. Make 2020 a year worth remembering.

Tick tock, tick tock time is drawing near!

Ok, so Christmas is my favorite time of (day of) the year! My earliest Christmas memory happened in 1977. My little brother, Travis, was born on the 23rd of December that year. YAY! Merry Christmas! I got a brother, however I wanted a sister! I was devastated when the call came to my grandma's house telling me that I had a(nother) little brother. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I hung up on my dad and immediately ran upstairs and bawled my eyes out! Yes, that was December 23.

My mom had to stay in the hospital for a few days, as she had my brother via a C-Section, so if you do the math, guess where she spent Christmas that year? Yup! The hospital. I don't remember much about THAT but what I do remember......waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents with my other little brother, Chad, and my Dad. I unwrapped the BEST present a little girl could hope for!! I got a real working sewing machine for little girls. I was so excited. That was a time in life when you got one 'big' present and then little odds and ends. THAT was my big present! Guess who didn't get to even try it out because mom was in the hospital (she knew how to use it) and dad didn't have a clue what to do with it. Miserable! I seriously remember not liking my new baby brother for awhile after that because he 'ruined my Christmas'. HAHAHA!!!

 

Christmas has always been a great time of year for me. Traditions that were deep in family. Cookies. Church. One of my favorite things to do was to help my grandma decorate her Christmas tree each year. She had these awesome little bell ornaments that she hung on her tree that looked like little people. Elves and angels or something. There might have only been 5 of them. She always saved those for me to put on the tree. I loved those ornaments. After my grandmother passed away, I asked to have them to keep the tradition alive of putting them on my tree. A little bit of my grandmother (whom I miss terribly, especially at Christmas time) lives on each year as I ring each bell and place it on my tree! One day, I hope to have grandchildren who want to help me decorate my tree and those bells will be saved for them to place!

As a child, Christmas was always a hectic day for my parents. We'd have to visit both sets of grandparents and it seemed like we never had a lot of time at any place, but as a child, it was all we knew of Christmas. The hustle and bustle of the day. Family. Love. One year, the only thing I asked for from Santa was a Cabbage Patch Preemie doll. It wasn't just any Cabbage Patch Preemie on my list. I wanted an African American BOY preemie. My best friend's family had been fostering a little boy who I adored. I wanted a doll that was just like Aaron!! I found out later that my grandfather (who was an old school PA Dutch kind of guy) had traipsed all over Allentown looking for THE doll I wanted and did not settle til he found it, although it ended up being a girl. April Priscilla! Another fond Christmas memory of days gone by. Memories of Christmas that make me smile.

My home is decorated to the nines for Christmas! I've got Christmas trees in almost every room, decorations in every room (YES, even the bathroom gets decorated!), and I love to be surrounded by the beauty of Christmas. White lights on the tree, around the door/archways, on decorations; they are the only light I prefer when sitting around at night watching my Christmas movies!!

Christmas music has been playing at my desk since Thanksgiving. I've been wearing Christmas attire since we are back from Thanksgiving break (and I'm sad there wasn't more time between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!). I'm done with the wrapping, the sending of Christmas cards, stocking stuffers have been purchased (slightly disappointed in them this year), and I'm ready to put work in the books for this year (ONE MORE DAY!)!! The dogs have their Christmas collars and bandanas on! I've been told I suffer from O.C.D (Obsessive Christmas Disorder) and to that I say, YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!! I love all things Christmas and sometimes I struggle when others don't share in my affinity for all things Christmas. In my world, Christmas can get here now!!! Hurry Christmas!!!

In my love for all things Christmas, one image will ALWAYS stand out in my memory bank. As a child, we would drive to the next town to visit my grandparents. A storefront on the main street in the town always had a statue in their front window of Santa kneeling at the manger of the Christ Child. It always struck me as profound (even before I knew what profound meant). There was always something about THAT window display that put the meaning of Christmas where it should be. Yes, Christmas is wonderful with the lights, bells, trees, Santa Claus, gifts, music, movies, TV specials, hoopla out the whazoo, but in reality, Christmas is beautiful for the one gift that was unselfishly given to us, in the form of a baby in a manger. The image of Santa kneeling at the Christ Child's manger is a hauntingly beautiful reminder of the TRUE meaning of the season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. May the blessings of Christmas be with you this holiday season and in the days that follow, as we usher in a new year, new decade.

Christmastime is here

It's almost Christmas!! It truly is my favorite time of year (and honestly, my favorite DAY of the year!)!!! I love all things Christmas! The lights!! The colors!! Santa!! SNOW!! The Nativity!! The Christmas Story!! Bells!! Tinsel!! Garland!! Angels!! Balls!! Music!! Movies!!

Christmastime is here. It's my favorite time of the year for so many reasons. I've been determined to keep it my favorite time of year, despite the hand we were dealt with in the last 3 months. This year, Christmas will be so different, but rather than become all mopey about it, I am embracing the change. 

It will be the first year that there will be no children in our house on Christmas morning. 29 years of waking up to one (or both) of my girls in their rooms, patiently waiting to go downstairs to see what Mama Claus delivered during the night has come to an end, as I knew it one day would. And as much as I knew it would, I wasn't quite prepared for it. There is a part of me that is sad at this thought (because it has always been my favorite part of the day - waking up and heading downstairs and seeing their faces at what was under the tree!!!) but there is also a part of me that is so proud at how wonderfully their lives have turned out. Each living in their own homes, creating Christmas traditions with their families. It's a new Christmas for me this year, but I'm ok with that!

This year will be different in that we won't get our usual texts from California. Bill won't get his hour(s) long Christmas phone call from Billy. I'm praying for peace in our hearts this Christmas day, as we go about our day keeping his memory alive and remembering him with happy memories of Christmases past, thanking God for the Christmases we HAD with him. Different. A new normal.

December 25 will also mark our 10th anniversary!! 10 years of being married to the most amazing man I've ever known in my life (next to my dad!). Not even joking when I say, it feels like we've been together forever. Bill always says we have. We've been together in many previous lives and somehow we always manage to find each other over and over again. I believe that, weird as it may sound. When I first met Bill DeHart, I had no idea what changes he would bring to my life. I will forever be thankful our paths crossed again and that we managed to become one. There is NO one else I want to go through life with than my main squeeze!

10 years ago, when Bill proposed the idea of getting married on Christmas Day, in my grandmother's living room (where he proposed to me 2 years prior), I thought he was just kidding around. I wasn't so sure I really wanted to get married again. I was content with life as it was. As often as Bill would say we would get married one day, I swore it was 'never gonna happen' for one reason or another (we have quite a history there!). We managed to throw together an incredible wedding in two weeks time and we got married in front of the Christmas tree in my grandmothers front living room at 4pm on December 25, 2009 by the Mayor of Bowmanstown and in front of family and two special friends! It was my last Christmas with my beloved Grandma Marilyn. It was the best Christmas of my life up to that point. Every Christmas since has been exceptional. I love all things Christmas and hope to spread that Christmas cheer to those I encounter on a daily basis!

Life in the last 10 years: we've traveled a lot, watched our daughters graduate high school and college (a few times), supported our son in his life decision to move across the country, saw our daughter get married, another one get engaged, experienced the heartache of losing our son, added two dogs to the family, produced a CD for the band (YAY BILL!! FOLLOW THAT DREAM, MY LOVE!), and simply enjoyed life TOGETHER. 

Bill, life with you is nothing short of amazing. You keep me smiling when I want to frown, laughing when I want to cry. You support all my crazy ideas and love me through thick and thin. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and I am so blessed that you share that heart with me. Happy 10 years (I know I'm early, but the mood struck for this post so here it is!), Babe!!!!

Wishing everyone who has read this blog a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Joyous New Year. May 2020 be better than 2019!!!

Time to be the lighthouse

Well, this resonated loudly with me today. I had a former student's mother once tell me that she was certain God placed me in certain student's lives for a purpose. That reverberated in my head this morning as I faced a situation I never wanted to be faced with, let alone be faced with almost 3 months after losing my bonus son.

I've been working with a senior of mine for two months now, trying to get him to see the importance of school....attendance and grades....making something of his life. I knew I had gotten through to him, when he started showing up on time, not missing days anymore, and truly being present in his classes. AAAAAAANNNNND, when he was late, he'd avoid my room so as to not "upset or disappoint" me. I like to think that we have built a good student/teacher relationship.

I took notice to the attendance roster today and I knew he was absent. I figured he would be in on the late bus today. Maybe around 10:00ish that student walked into my room looking absolutely awful. He walked over to my desk and said, "Miss, I have something I have to tell you." I jokingly said, "ohhhhh and just what do you have to tell me?" thinking that perhaps he was quitting wrestling or worse, school. It was then that things became absolutely heartbreaking.

"Miss, I just wanted to tell you that my mom died on December 7. I didn't want to come to school today, but I knew I had to tell you. I needed to talk to you."

My heart sank. Absolutely sank. I cried. He cried. We talked for a bit about his mom and what he experienced (which no 18 year old should have to experience). I couldn't help but feel such heartache for him. And for me, it is a raw emotion right now, coming so close to the 3 month anniversary of the loss of Billy. To hear this young man, who I've grown to really enjoy as a student, say, "Miss, I am motherless. I do not have a mom anymore. I wanted her to be at my graduation. I wanted her to see my kids someday." I watched him try to be so strong, but in the end, just break down and cry. That pretty much did me in.

I immediately messaged my grounding force, my friend Jenny. She, once again, put it so wonderfully into perspective for me.

"Just remember, you're the lighthouse today. You've been the boat out in the ocean, but today you get to be the lighthouse."

WOW. Talk about a powerful statement for me to hear. As my student was leaning on me for support and I heard the words of my former student's mother echoing in my ear, as my posture began to shrink and cower in heartache and hurt and the tears just wanted to keep flowing from my eyes, those words took on a force of their own and drowned out the negative I had been feeling. I stood tall, like a lighthouse, and talked my student through a hard moment. I didn't seek this out, this sought me out. In the midst of his heartache, he chose to come to school because he needed me. And I was there for him. And I will be there for him.

I assured him that while I can't replace his mom, I can be there for him...to support him, to see him graduate, to watch the rest of his life unfold no matter where it takes him. And I assured him that he was allowed to grieve however he needed to grieve in whatever way he chose. I reminded him that he will feel many things, and that they were all ok to feel. I made sure he knew that I was there for him through it all.

It's definitely a different kind of grief, but a shared grief nonetheless. It was a struggle for me to get through the day today....my thoughts where everywhere. My thoughts STILL everywhere. I do believe that God has placed me in certain student's lives for a reason but I also believe that certain students are placed in MY life for a reason. I've said for a few weeks now, that if any student would be the one to get me back to my 'zest' for teaching, it would be this one. I talk about him quite a bit and how I'm channeling Billy when I work with him, talk to him, guide him. And now, I am in a different role, helping a student deal with an unspeakable heartbreak. The tears flow freely......

I'm asking those of you who read my blog to stop what you are doing and offer up a positive thought or prayer for my student and his family.